6 years. 5 websites. 50+ dates. 0 lasting loves.

Starting at age 13, I began to explore the wonder of group dates, after-school homework sessions, sports events, school dances, music competitions and the plethora of other non-date options available to teens with little to no ‘fun money.’ There were boys, and there were lots of them. They loved girls, and seemed to prefer little else to getting the chance to spend time with us. No one had money to blow, so real dates were out of the question. A real date would probably have dulled or killed the excitement, anyway. I capitalized on all of these factors, and I almost always had a boyfriend. I even earned the title ‘serial monogamist’ from one overly critical girl in my AP Chemistry class. I didn’t care, especially because no one even expected me to have sex with them! My dignity did not feel threatened by her intended gibe. No, in high school, the pre-dating world was my oyster.

Then I went to college. In Oregon.

I’d picked an un-athletic, hippie, liberal arts school that disallowed the Greek system and on-campus drinking. In addition to this obliteration of all non-date mediators, it seemed that the school only admitted dudes with little to no sex drive. Perhaps it was the exciting course content or proximity to Humboldt County, California, but these boys were plum not interested in women. The ones that were became quickly snatched up by girls who had had the good fortune of figuring out how to appeal to the proclivities of these men much faster than myself. I could not even bargain with a fellow, male crew rower to swap a backrub with me. I threw my hands up in the air, and accepted my four-year fate of singledom.

Then I spent a semester in Italy.

Pre-Elizabeth Gilbert, I spent several months turning my Latin skills into what could maybe be considered Italian and enjoying the self-exploration that comes with traveling alone, eating deliciousness at every meal, walking through Tuscan countrysides, and marveling at rich piece of art after rich piece of art. In addition, I began to feel the attention of men, again. Outside of the oppressive college scene. In the real world! Again – no one even bothered me about sex. I was interacting with a gender other than my own, and it felt great.

Then I came home. To Chicago.

A whole 4 weeks before any of my high school friends would even be back from college. And I was bored.

I realized that there WERE people in my hometown to play with, but they were at Northwestern University and I just didn’t know how to get at them (my school was not yet one of the lucky few to be invited on to Facebook). That’s when I remembered – JDate! I’d heard about it on television, but didn’t know anyone who had tried it. I wasn’t even sure if it was a joke or not, since it definitely sounded like one. Turn on the computer and meet a Jew dude?  I was interested, and I was out of options for interpersonal interactions with people under the age of 60.

I created my first dating-site profile. I struggled with how I wanted to come across in words, and agonized over which pictures were least unflattering (I don’t take pictures well, so I generally run from cameras). Finally, I was ready to go and began to search for the unlikely-to-be-serial-killer Northwestern Jewish boys currently residing in my hometown. And so, my over half a decade of on-and-off dating, mediated by the cupid that is the internet, began.

Six years (and two long-term, met-in-real-life relationships) later, I am as single as ever.

 

While TimWow has already explained to us that all of this internet ‘sifting’ and dating makes us more picky (and less likely to settle in the end), I do believe there are some other factors at play here that are not-so-much about my, apparently, outlandish desire to find someone with empathy and a sex drive who also happens to shower regularly.

For you, I will briefly review each site that I have used and elaborate on the benefits and down points of each. Afterwards, I will sum up for you why (unfortunately) I  believe that internet dating will almost never end up in a lasting relationship. (Look deeper into the internet-dating ‘success’ statistics before you start tossing them out. They tell a story of people doing it, even marrying, but the longevity of those marriages are rarely analyzed. For good reason.)

Plentyoffish.com

Price: None

# of Dates: 0

I spent very little time on Plentyoffish. Its set-up is difficult to view and to navigate. The pictures are small. From what I could see, most of its users were devoted Christians. This, however, could have been a bias of mine given my initial confusion that ‘fish’ was a Jesus reference. Lastly, from what I could tell, I’d seen every member on some other dating site so I didn’t feel as if I’d be missing something if I were to delete my account. Bottom line: Don’t waste your time and eyesight trying to decipher this site.

JDate.com

Price: $$

# of Dates: Between 10-15

I was 20 and it was 2004 when I first tried this site. As mentioned, I was really only investigating the Northwestern University student pool. As a result, I ended up on 3 different dates with 3 fraternity brothers who all, obviously, knew one another. One had cerebral palsy, one was Isareli and had never been on a date of any kind, and one of them began to scream at me in my car on the way home because of my hesitation to make a second date (he had told me the movie we’d gone to had made him sad because it reminded him of his ex-girlfriend). Five minutes later he apologized for his outburst, but I managed to get him out of the car and cancel my JDate account for several years. I wasn’t sure if the issue was internet dating, Jewish men (I’m Jewish, myself), or both, and I was not eager to figure it out.

JDate has an excellent IM service (which is not the case with many internet-dating sites), and this has become an important feature for me in quickly figuring out with whom I’d like to spend my time communicating. In addition, it has great customer service if you ever run into trouble (i.e. mistaken charges, someone verbally harassing you in an e-mail). Its users represent a wide age range, and most of them are looking for something lasting/long-term…with someone Jewish.

Unfortunately, it is rather pricey and (obviously) has little variety in type of person. You start to feel like you’re reading the same profile over and over again, especially because the profile set-up leaves little room for personal expression.

Bottom line: If you have a thing for trying to marry neurotic, Jewish men, you’ve hit the jackpot with this site.

Match.com

Price: $

# of Dates: Between 5-10

I have been on Match several times, and it has never been a pleasant experience. I’m a liberal, left-of-center person who has never been part of the bar or club scene and would not be the first (or hundredth) to compare this site to those scenarios. At one point, a more ‘main-stream’ friend of mine edited my profile to take out anything that might be an immediate turn-off to Match browsers (I’m an introvert, I’m looking for something significant). Needless to say, I received many more e-mails.

There are tons of people on Match, and there’s a little more room for personal expression than on JDate. There is a wider variety of users and what they’re seeking. The site even shows you what each person is seeking, so you don’t need to waste time chatting up someone who prefers thin women when you know that you are curvy. The site also provides you with an unlimited ability to ‘wink’ at users, in the event that you are not yet ready for (or sure they’d respond to) a well-constructed e-mail. For the shyer user, this is a major plus. While you do have the option to IM on Match, its interface is awful and most of the time you won’t even realize that someone has tried to send you a message. This brings me to the other downsides of Match.

It feels tilted in its liberal/conservative balance and I’ve found that I actually have to screen my searches in order to find the agnostic/liberal folks. Also, because it screens your body type and hair color, etc. based on what your date wants, many people end up feeling the need to lie just to start conversations. I found that 1/20 men listed ‘curvy’ as something they’d date, so I decided my large bra size didn’t exist and focused on the rest of my body and listed ‘average’. As if this need to fit into a perfect box was not enough to crush your soul, if someone you’ve contacted is not interested in you, you get an e-mail in your box that says ‘Sorry, so-and-so is flattered but not interested.’ Lastly, the dates that I’ve actually been ‘fortunate’ enough to acquire through match all yielded men who had no idea what they wanted out of life or what they were looking for in a woman.

Bottom line: Match will dig a whole in your self-confidence, all the while draining your bank account and free-time.

Eharmony.com

Price: $$$

# of Dates: <5

I have tried Eharmony twice, and people very close to me have spent a good deal of time on here. It is extremely expensive ($60/mo), and an extremely long and intense profile set-up procedure. 1 in 5 people, after this marathon question/answer session, are told that they are too ‘normal’ to be matched and to try another dating site. This makes one believe that the matches (that Eharmony selects FOR you, as you cannot search for your own) will be absolutely perfect for you. Unfortunately, this is rarely the case. I only made it through the arduous ‘match’ process to actual dates with 2 individuals and one led me to say goodbye after 30 minutes on the date because of irreconcilable differences (public school teacher vs. someone who believes lower-class shouldn’t go to school with the upper-class).  The second was so apathetic that he couldn’t even find the words to explain why he’d chosen his career (I’m extremely passionate about everything I do).

The good news about Eharmony is that it makes you feel very safe in its ‘matching procedures.’ You are much less likely to end up across the table from someone of questionable sanity. Also, you’re guaranteed to find people who are looking for something more serious, who are done playing the field.  It is this, I believe, that leads to all those happy Eharmony television ads. If two people want, more than anything, to be married…then wouldn’t they be very willing to look past all those, what would otherwise be, dealbreakers?

As I’ve mentioned, though, Eharmony is EXTREMELY expensive with very little pay-off. They match FOR you, and some days you will have no matches at all. Also, they are generally of one religion and political ideology, leaving you with little from which to choose. Lastly, you HAVE to reject people if you want them to leave your ‘contact list’ which is sad for both parties involved.

Bottom line: High cost, little pay-off.

OkCupid.com

Price: None

Dates:  >30

I first heard of OkCupid when I started Americorps in Chicago through a girl who had met her then-boyfriend, now husband and father of her twin daughters, via the site. It must be noted, however, that they met shortly after the site’s inception in the early 00’s before internet-dating had truly developed. I’ve been on the site off-and-on over the last few years. The last two relationships I’ve had (that I met in real-life circumstances) ended up with the gentlemen taking my suggestion to try this site. One will be married next month, and the other has been dating his lady for over a year, all thanks to OkCupid. I’ve made 3 great, platonic guy friends from this site, and I will include their input in this review, as well.

This is the site where it’s (and isn’t) at. Every type of person that you ever dreamed existed is on this site. It’s free.  You can wink (though only 3 times per day) with sentence stems! It has an IM service that can be irritating, but works, and there’s no way someone would ever miss your message, as it blinks in bright pink and is embedded in the screen. The site’s “getting to know you” boxes leave infinite room for self-expression, honesty, and wit. The match questions are endless and not only help to calculate your percent compatibility, but you can review your match’s answers to find out what made your percentage so high or low. The site is known for being based on statistics, and I honestly believe it works. If you are less than an 80% match with me, I know that you probably are not pro-choice and believe that it is a woman’s duty to shave her legs. Lastly, OkCupid has an abundance of fun tests and quizzes to help you get to know yourself and your match better, or to simply giggle before bed at night.

Unfortunately, OkCupid is not all roses and sunshine. Because it is free and caters to the eccentric, you will find that its mentally unstable population is higher than other sites. On only one date did I ever fear for my life, and on only one other first date was I emotionally abused by someone I barely knew. One man was so insecure with his small body-type that after 6 weeks of dating, he told me that I was too overweight to date (he has since sent an apology e-mail this week…9 months later, explaining that he had been the one with issues with his own, tiny body). While OkCupid is the best of what’s out there, you must be ready for the colorful folks that you will, most assuredly, meet.

Bottom Line: If your ultimate goal is to meet people, not find a life-mate, then there’s nothing better.

If you are still thinking of exploring the world of internet romance, I hope these reviews have been helpful. I wish you luck, but it would be unfair of me to not send you off fully-informed of the overall forces working against you, so, here they are:

Why Internet Dating (Almost) Never Ends Up In Lasting Love:

1. It is inherently flawed.

Because, men especially, find themselves surrounded by so many sweet, bright, and beautiful options, the idea of “settling” for one becomes a true struggle. In my pre-dating heaven, if it was established that two people liked each other and wanted to continue to see each other, then this was generally enough to keep going. As Becky and Jess have already mentioned, you now have another dah of women by whom your men are considering you against. Magnify this by 500, and you have Dating & Hookup of options that each dating-site male is considering or wondering if he’s ‘missed.’ One of my guy friends that I met on OkCupid 2 years ago recently lamented that it’s exhausting going out/establishing further communication with a girl who is “seeing 20 other guys.” He says the dates now feel like interviews and it’s difficult to even ‘book’ a girl to see more than once. From both sides of the spectrum, internet-dating itself provides the wall to a significant relationship and, therefore, love with its ability to insert into your brain, “What else is out there…?”

2. It’s expensive.

You might feel like this:

For all of the paying sites, you’re dealing with the issue of “paying for heartbreak.” Or disappointment. Or tons of dates that lead to nowhere.  Most people end up hitting a wall with the lost money, and quit altogether. The mantra of “Maybe there’s someone out there for me” no longer becomes worth the money and you’re right back where you started. Post-dating, real-world.

3. It WILL take a toll on your self-esteem.

Every wink, every e-mail, every IM, and every profile-view gives someone the option to not reciprocate. This is the first armor that must be built, otherwise you will find yourself constantly asking, “What’s wrong with me?” when there is, obviously, nothing. There will be rejections, there will be silence from the other end, and sometimes it’s hard.

There are also a lot of false starts. You may meet someone awesome, who thinks you’re awesome, have more dates with them than you can count on one hand, and then all of a sudden things might get weird (what with all of the other winks, e-mails, IMs and profile-views coming their way) as the other person starts to realize that they might soon be asked to “settle” and say goodbye to that world of options. Needless to say, you will have a LOT of false starts, and those are what hurt the most and will most likely cause you to click the “Delete Membership” button.

Internet-dating works for some people, but from what I can tell…it’s a certain kind of person with a certain kind of luck. I’m probably not that person, but it sure is a good way to pass the time when your real-life dah is having an empty phase. Bona fortuna!