There is something simple and beautiful about a woman’s bedroom at night when it’s dark. The silent dance of the single black flickering candle in the corner. The sound of the heavy rain falling outside, muffled through the tightly locked windows. The bed, perfectly made, with blankets still untouched because two lovers were too eager to turn down the covers. The color of naked skin peeking through shadows. These are the times I am so thankful to live alone. No need to close the door. No need to quiet the sounds of pleasure. No need to put pants on when taking a break to roll a joint and pour a glass of wine.
I was already tipsy, having just arrived home from the Laker game on Christmas Day. Eager to keep my buzz going, I began to think of my bottle of Cab in my kitchen. After coming for the second time, I decided to pause and offer him a glass. He refused, but I had one anyway. As I sat on my bed, naked aside from my bra which we never got around to removing. I began to roll a joint on my Bible, which was conveniently sitting next to my bed. I don’t think Jesus would mind. Marijuana is much safer for you than cigarettes after all.
As I lick my perfect joint, seal it, and wait for it to dry, he says, “What just happened?”
“My ex girlfriend is coming into town for a few days. I didn’t know until yesterday, and she said that she has no one to stay with besides me.”
I looked at him. He wasn’t smiling. He didn’t flinch. He was serious. I’d been seeing Jack for about a month and he was going to let his ex girlfriend stay with him for the weekend.
“Jack, I think you should leave.” I was twenty years old and didn’t have the know-how to question him, so I decided to let him go.
A week passed before I heard from him again. I was actually surprised to hear from him at all. He told me that he and his ex had slept together (surprise, surprise) and that he felt horrible about it. He said he was thinking about me the entire time and, “just knew that it wasn’t right.” Like any 20 year old girl who is given the choice to either end things with a locally famous musician, or forgive him and hopefully move on, I took him back.
All was going smoothly until early one Saturday morning in 2005. Jack had spent the night at my place and we were happily cuddling, fully prepared to sleep in ridiculously late, when I heard a text message alert from my Motorola Razr phone. I peeled myself out of bed and walked over to the dresser. “Oh…my…god. Is this some kind of joke?”
You are my love, and I want you in my life.
The FRIEND ZONE… you know what it is, fellas. You meet a woman and you start talking to her on the phone regularly. You hang out with her a few times. She might even give you the honor of letting you give her a kiss on the lips. But, that’s about as far as it goes. You try your hardest to take it to the next level, but nothing pops off. So what do you do? Or ladies, you meet a guy and you kinda like him, but he just wants things to go a little bit further than you want them to. What do you do?
From a man’s point of view, the friend zone is usually perceived as the absolute worst place you want to be….OR IS IT? My position on the friend zone is a little different than most men. I think the friend zone allows you to get to know the woman better than you would if you were to just hop into a situation where you are dealing with her on an intimate level. Think about it, when you’re in a relationship the person that you are with should be like your best friend. There shouldn’t be anything that you can’t tell that person and nothing they shouldn’t be able to share everything with you. So the best way to start a relationship that is truly worth anything is to start off as friends.
When a woman trusts you with her friendship you can get the information from her that should help you decide if she is even worth your time. A lot of times women tell you things without actually telling you. All you have to do is engage in conversation and listen. Not only that, even if you never get out of the friend zone with that particular woman, she is more then likely to give you insight and information that you can use in the future with other women.
A lot of men think that they have to kick some type of game in order to make sure that they stay out of the friend zone. But the fact of the matter is, the key to staying out of the friend zone is honesty. All you have to do is be honest with the woman. She will respect that a lot more then if you are pretending to be her friend just to get a taste of her cookies. If you are only trying to get the drawls, then just let her know and see if she is down with if. If she is with it, then you have just landed into a “friends with benefits” situation. The good thing about that is that if you really like her then the friends with benefits has the possibility of turning into a real deal relationship. Don’t be afraid of those types of situations either. Sometimes the friends with benefits can turn out to be the best ones for you. You’ve been friends for so long, and you just begin to know each other so well that it only makes sense that you take things to the next level and pursue a relationship with the person.
Now ladies, you have to know that the friend zone is an asset to you, BUT you have to use it wisely. You can’t just go puttin every dude you meet in the friend zone just because you are waiting on Idris Elba to pop into your life. You need to use the friend zone as a way to get a better understanding of men, and why we do what we do. Choose the men who you put into the friend zone very very wisely. If the man isn’t bringing some sort of value to your life, then you need to cut him of. At least be honest with him and let him know that this relationship is going no further then the occasional phone call, text messages while you’re bored at work, and a meal from Ruby Tuesdays on your off pay weeks.
If you have a dude that you know you only want to be friends with, you need to tell him so that there are no unrealistic expectations on his part. A dude will spend a lot of his time and money just because he thinks he has a shot at becoming more than friends. You don’t really want to do this to a guy who is a genuine good dude. Now if it’s somebody who you don’t really care about and you know he only wants sex, aye that’s all part of the game. You may want the same thing that he wants. Or then again you may not. Just don’t lead the guy on. Let him decide if he wants to be in that friend zone or not.
The friend zone definitely has its purpose, but I think the key to it is communication. If you feel like you’re in the zone and you don’t want to be, you have to let her know. It’s possible that she put you there subconsciously and didn’t know that you really had an interest. Ladies, if you want to put a man in the zone then you HAVE to let him know where he stands if he is making any type of moves on you. It’s only fair that when you see signs of the friend zone developing that you discuss it with the other party so that neither of you is wasting your time.
What do you say? Do you think that women and men feel the same way about the friend zone?
Dear Phil (Bob, Joe, Ian, Jake, etc.),
I totally enjoyed hanging with you today. And while I was surprised when you tried to hold my hand (I’m sorry I don’t feel that connection with you.), I felt really refreshed and happy after our time together. I’ve been so busy at work — being outside and in such good company felt wonderful. I didn’t realize how much I needed that. Perhaps we can stay in touch?
Sally, May, Kate, Jenny, Christina, etc.
P.S. That iced coffee place was ah-mazing! What was it called again?
Via David Brooks.
“I couldn’t tell if it was Jersey or Sierra Leone.”
“Now all you have to do is pick out your perfect prince, and zero in for the kill.”
Don’t forget, never “hang around with uggos!”
“Maybe young women don’t wonder whether they can have it all any longer, but in case any of you are wondering, of course you can have it all. What are you going to do? Everything, is my guess. It will be a little messy, but embrace the mess. It will be complicated, but rejoice in the complications. It will not be anything like what you think it will be like, but surprises are good for you. And don’t be frightened: you can always change your mind. I know: I’ve had four careers and three husbands.”
It seems to make it extra hard, when people scrutinize how exactly you execute a difficult and brave thing.
The Atlantic: “Is There a Right Way to Come Out of the Closet?”
The fact is, Cooper’s adamant and long-held refusal to discuss his personal life, even though he’s written a memoir about himself and hosts a talk show that’s all about other people’s personal lives, has probably done more harm to the common gay psyche than his recent coming out has done good. And we’re strange creatures for saying that he did something “classily” when the real classy thing would have been to acknowledge the truth long before his 45th birthday. Cooper has been an advocate for fairness and openness in his professional career, so denying a fact of his own life — as open as it might have been to friends and family, it was not to the rest of the world — seems to imply that, well, openness can only get you so far, that he stood to lose something by being honest. I know eventually we’d like to get to a place where it seriously is no big deal, but we’re not there yet. Every big, loud bit helps. What doesn’t help is praising a shuffle like this as a somehow better or more elegant way to come out.
CBS News: ‘Chely Wright: Anderson Cooper’s Coming Out “Perfect”‘
“I think he gave a genuine response,” she said. “Andrew Sullivan reached out to him, said ‘do you have comments on this article?’ And he gave a genuine response and said, ‘And by the way, share this with your readers.’ I don’t think in any way it was a cowardly move, a sneaky, get-it-under-the-radar-on-a-holiday-weekend. I thought it was just a real genuine, human response to a question asked, and I think, you know, I’m certainly – I can’t say what Anderson Cooper thinks, but I would imagine that at some point recently, he probably said to himself, ‘Why am I not out? Why haven’t I not done this? OK, I’ll just do it.’”
Anderson Cooper comes out on Andrew Sullivan’s column on The Daily Beast.
Congrats! And may a day come when coming out of the closet isn’t a big deal.
What is the best marriage proposal you’ve ever heard of?
datingandhookup.com is a website that explores modern romance in the Millennial era – which, let’s be honest, looks nothing like we were taught to expect. We feature essays, advice and social commentary with humor, compassion and brains, and we vow never, ever to publish a piece called “The 10 Best Ways to Satisfy Your Man in Bed”. Do click to submit your work to us. We love you.
Follow Dating & Hookup on Instagram
Follow Jess on Instagram
Follow Becky on Instagram
Follow me on Twitter