I started going to the gym after a girl rejected me. She was a lawyer in her late twenties. I don’t know what went wrong; maybe I came on too strong or wasn’t as established as she would have liked. Maybe we just weren’t compatible. Or, maybe it was because I was too scrawny.
Afterwards I felt angry and weak … I wanted to feel strong. I would show her — I’d become ripped and burly. I was frustrated with my physique and found it pathetic that there were so many men on television who were more than twice my age and in better shape than I ever have and probably ever will be, namely Matthew McConaughey. I was also annoyed with my family, who thought the idea of me working out was hilarious. So I joined a gym. The only problem was … I had no idea what the hell I was doing. To quote Louis C.K. “I’m just a guy wearing shorts.”
My gym is nestled in the heart of Chelsea. For the most part, it’s populated by ripped gay men and lonely, beautiful women. And then there’s me: thin, straight and desperately trying to whip into shape before I hit thirty.
Have you ever “felt fat”? Have you ever said, “I feel so fat today”? Have you ever chosen your mood on Facebook as “fat”? Well, while you may be able to continue to have “fat feelings”, you can no longer promote those feelings on Facebook. A group of activists, led by Catherine Weingarten, petitioned on Change.Org to ask Facebook to remove the “fat” option under feelings. Why? The petition explains,
As someone who has struggled with and overcome disordered eating, I know what it’s like to “feel” fat. I have spent years of my life consumed with negative thoughts about my body, and far too many days starving myself in an effort to lose weight. But even worse than the skipped meals and the hours spent obsessing in front of the mirror was the fear of what others thought about me and my body.
When Facebook users set their status to “feeling fat,” they are making fun of people who consider themselves to be overweight, which can include many people with eating disorders. That is not ok.
I came across another book from Joe Bonomo, a man who gave his name to dozens of books geared towards improving the lives of women from the 50′s and 60′s. This book is titled Beautify Your FIGURE and in it, old Joe offers 8 (mostly) practical beauty tips, from 1951. Let’s take a look and see how they hold up.
“It isn’t enough that a woman be beautiful,” Joe tells us. “She must be scrupulously neat about the little things…” Here are those “little things”.
“Beauty begins with the bath,” Bonomo believes. “For cleanliness and relaxation, there is no therapy for beauty that excels the daily warm and sudsy tub. Rinse well and dry thoroughly.” Okay, not terrible advice, though I don’t know many women who have the time to start their day with a long “warm and sudsy” soak.
Ladies (and gentlemen), let’s talk about boobs.
Specifically, let’s talk about boob acceptance. Yes, I said it: boob acceptance. Because so many people want us to feel bad about our boobs. The media is so ready to rate actresses based on cup size. Magazines tell small-chested ladies not to wear bandeau bathing suit tops because it’s not “flattering” — flattering, meaning, “big breasted”. (More on this later.)
There’s nothing wrong with having big breasts. And there’s nothing wrong with having small breasts, either.
Can we all agree that breasts are great? They feed our kids. As a mother, which I am not and probably never will be, I find that amazing. We’ve got baby restaurants in our bodies.
But when you’ve got small baby restaurants, you’re suddenly forced into thinking that you should have bigger ones. I went through a few years where I yearned for bigger breasts. I called my parents, crying, like a total brat, begging for breast implants. That’s probably one of my most shameful moments. I didn’t appreciate my body and all the great things it could do for me – I was upset because I didn’t have a C-cup.
None of us want to admit that we’d dress to impress our ex, but many of us would. It makes sense. You’ve been with someone for a year (or however long, or even short) and you’ve shared things and done things and showed glimpses of your soul and now they’re suddenly straight-up Gotye (just somebody that you used to know). But you see on that Facebook invite they clicked “going” and you’re “going” and you’re sure as hell not gonna wear sweatpants.
Look, it doesn’t make you less of a feminist if you want to look nice/hot/pleasing to the eye for your ex. It’s not like you’re trying to get your ex back, you just want them to know that you’re doing fine without them, nay – smashing.
Here’s how to dress to impress your ex.
I think we’ve come to a point in life where we need to decide if “fat” is an adjective or an insult. Because right now, it’s clearly an insult, and I think that needs to change. I came across a piece on Cosmopolitan titled “How To Not Look Fat (Fat Day Fixes You’ve Got To Try)“. And as I was reading it I thought, wait a minute, what’s so terrible about looking fat? True, if someone said I looked fat I would feel awful, but why is that? When did we make fat the ultimate “DON’T”? Why are we treating fat like a disease that needs to be hidden? The article may as well be titled “How To Not Look Like You Have Leprosy.”
The article suggests straightaway that Spanx are the answer. Recently, it’s come to light that Spanx may be really bad for your internal organs. And yet, that’s better than the alternative of — God forbid — having a stomach pooch. (When I have a stomach pooch and I wear Spanx, all it does is cut right into the belly, making it look like I have two stomach pooches instead of one. How is that better?)
‘Tis the season of holiday parties. From work parties to fancy parties, I’m here to help you figure out what to wear to all those holiday parties. You’re free, of course, to do as you like. But consider these suggestions!
No one — I mean NO ONE — will be expecting it! You’ll be the talk of the evening, especially if your costume is great, like a realistic zombie or a lion costume complete with attached feet, like footie pajamas. A lion oneside, if you will. They exist and I adore mine. And it’s nice and warm, perfect for a holiday party.
Hard to go wrong here, even if you’re a guy — that’s how classic the LBD is. And there are so many ways to accessorize it! You could wear a large gold pendant, or colored tights, or a cropped blazer. Wear it with red lipstick and nude colored heels (whatever the color of your nude is) and you’ve got my signature look.
Makeup and the women who use it have had a long history of love and hate. Some women love experimenting with makeup and won’t leave the house without it; others hate it and would rather go barefaced as the day they were born. But what do men think about makeup, really? Do they like when we wear it? How much is too much? What do they think “natural makeup” is? I asked some men of varying ages to try to get some answers. Of course, every man is different. But if you’re curious about what men really think about makeup, this is for you.
“Do I like when women wear makeup? My gut response is no. I always tell my girlfriend she doesn’t need it and looks beautiful without it, which I really mean. That being said I did see the Mila Kunis picture without her wearing makeup and was blown away by how different she looked. I guess I’ve always underestimated the transformative powers of makeup.” — Nick, 26.
“Sure [I like when women wear makeup]. I’m a little old-fashioned. But that’s like asking, ‘Do you like it when women wear clothes?’ It’s all a question of what, and how much. It’s good when there’s a clear difference between everyday makeup and special occasion makeup. It’s a nice gesture to have a girl make for you, albeit not a hugely important one. That said, some girls can totally rock huge eyelashes and eyeshadow 24/7. I’d just avoid a full Dee Snider whenever possible. I feel like I’m failing a critical gender theory class just be answering these questions.” — Jesse, 29.
I try not to ramble on too much about relationships and my greatest failures in life. Hey, it’ll be fun! Check it out.
And let me tell you something — it’s totally okay if you don’t have a date for Halloween.
Are YOU dressing up for Halloween? What/who as?
Scientists made some sexy evaluations when they determined the sexiest and least sexiest parts of the human body to both sexy sexes. The Daily Mail brings the above graphic and the report. Sorry, Tarantino, but the feet are apparently the least sexy zones. Here’s how the rest of the sexiest body parts rank:
A woman’s mouth and lips was voted the most erotic body part with the highest rating of 7.9 out of 10.
The nape of neck scored 7.5 out 10.
Nipples and breasts came in joint third with a rating of 7.3.
Bottoms came fourth with 4.5 out of 10.
Hips scored 3.5 and feet received a rating of just one out of 10.
The mouth and lips received the highest rating of seven out of 10.
A man’s inner thigh received a rating of 5.8 out of 10.
The nape of the neck scored 5.6.
Nipples received 4.8 out of 10.
The lower back was rated as the fifth most erotic body part on a man with 2.8 out of 10.
While the least erotic part of a man’s body was the forearm with a score of one out of 10.
Okay, whaaaaaat? Who else is surprised that the nape of the neck was rated sexier than boobs? And who else thinks that dude’s forearms are incredibly sexy? And most important of all, why weren’t the dent things on a dude’s lower abs not taken into account?
Here’s how I would rate this:
Bras have come a long way since they were invented in ancient Greece about a million years ago out of grape leaves or whatever. The modern bra as we know it was patented in 1914 by Mary Phelps Jacob, but you bet your sweet bippy some ancient Grecians were bra-ing it up somehow, I’ll bet you fifty bucks. You know where to find me. On the Internet.
And centuries later, there’s a bra out now that doubles as a face mask with a radiation censor, and unlike everything I’ve written up to this point, that is not a joke. (Although neither was the Mary Phelps Jacob bit.) It’s called the RAD Emergency Bra and it was invented by Dr. Elena Bodnar, founder and President of the Trauma Risk Management Research Institute in Chicago. The cups double as facemasks.
This is a phrase a massage therapist I know uses to describe the human body: a very cool piece of equipment. When I first heard it, I was skeptical. My body felt more like a site of small disasters. Tight hips, bad balance, a non-negotiable need for eight hours of sleep every night, and a propensity towards sinus infections — these all made me feel a bit like a failure, physically. Like my body was not up to snuff in its capabilities.
Then I read this beautiful piece, in which a father highlights for his young daughter all the things her little body is capable of doing — running, thinking, hugging, smelling flowers. The piece itself is wonderfully written and touching, worth reading on its own merits. But the concept inside it signaled to me a simple, yet massive shift in thought. I was so used to thinking about what my body couldn’t do that I had long stopped being grateful for what it can.
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