I’m moved by the history of marriage these days, now that I’m a wife. Marriage, we believe, has always provided a degree of certainty, of commitment, of a mutually-understood and community-sanctioned life bond. Marriage is our bulwark in the raging, lustful, ambiguously churning sea of the post-dating world.
But marriage wasn’t always like this. Like this solid foundation, like this cornerstone.
In fact, for much of the past 2,000 years of Western Civilization, a spoken contract solely between a man and a woman was enough to signify marriage – and to allow for sexual intercourse to take place. Which left many couples confused as to the exact nature of their relationship. To wit:
David and Paula’s idea of foreplay was a 5-mile run (what?).
John and Jill exchanged upwards of 30,000 pages of email correspondence (!), and the most the FBI can say is that the messages were “flirtatious” and the general is being investigated for “inappropriate communication.” YAWN.
At least Anthony Weiner tweeted a dick pick (NSFW)…not that it was that impressive.
I enter this complaint for the record, because when one looks at bygone eras of supposed sexual purity and/or intense repression, for example – The Victorian Era, one finds a veritable explosion of bizarre, creative, naughty, and exotic sexual innuendo AND outright sex.
This weekend, I realized that (while I’m not excited by a world in which chastity belts are commonly utilized), chastity belts also probably PROTECTED women too.
Band of lice (or worse) infested marauders coming my way? PASS ME THAT BELT, SISTER.
Image by Alaskan Dude
Every once and a while we, you’re sittting at home with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s like some effing stereotype wondering what is wrong with your love life. But friends, it could be worse. You could like, be chilling in a chastity belt circa 1557.
Oh, and for the record, I Google Imaged “chastity belt” so you don’t have to. Eyes. Burning. Whatever you guys…just make sure you have a safe word.
Okay, let’s get to it…
CHASTITY BELT FACTS
PRESENTING THE BELTS
One from Venice. Gah.
Oh, this heart totally makes it waaaaaayyyy better.
Kinda elegant at the Musée du Cluny
(Visit Brian’s Page of Antique Weirdness!!! Or, don’t…)
Again with the teeth!!
Looks kinda like my pancake flipper.
I feel like I could get around this one.
I feel like I could NOT get around this one.
Also, what the eff?! is it like to try and SIT in this thing. Or, like WALK. Through my incredulity & perverse fascination I’m only getting to this revelation now.
Dudes, you are not immune.
Masturbation is the devil’s handiwork!
August 10, 1894
Nothing could have given me greater pleasure that to get news of you. The prospect of remaining two months without hearing about you had been extremely disagreeable to me: that is to say, your little note was more than welcome.
I hope you are laying up a stock of good air and that you will come back to us in October. As for me, I think I shall not go anywhere; I shall stay in the country, where I spend the whole day in front of my open window or in the garden.
We have promised each other — haven’t we? — to be at least great friends. If you will only not change your mind! For there are no promises that are binding; such things cannot be ordered at will. It would be a fine thing, just the same, in which I hardly dare believe, to pass our lives near each other, hypnotized by our dreams: your patriotic dream, our humanitarian dream, and our scientific dream.
Of all those dreams the last is, I believe, the only legitimate one. I mean by that that we are powerless to change the social order and, even if we were not, we should not know what to do; in taking action, no matter in what direction, we should never be sure of not doing more harm than good, by retarding some inevitable evolution. From the scientific point of view, on the contrary, we may hope to do something; the ground is solider here, and any discovery that we may make, however small, will remain acquired knowledge.
See how it works out: it is agreed that we shall be great friends, but if you leave France in a year it would be an altogether too Platonic friendship, that of two creatures who would never see each other again. Wouldn’t it be better for you to stay with me? I know that this question angers you, and that you don’t want to speak of it again — and then, too, I feel so thoroughly unworthy of you from every point of view.
I thought of asking your permission to meet you by chance in Fribourg. But you are staying there, unless I am mistaken, only one day, and on that day you will of course belong to our friends the Kovalskis.
Believe me your very devoted
There is nothing worse than when your Hot Sex Prospect blows you off. He stops returning your texts, and it seems like he has completely lost all interest in you. It’s even worse when you’re living in the 12th Century and your HSP has been castrated by your uncle… And you are stuck in a convent…
This is a TRUE story of a sexy, steamy love affair that ended in castration and monasteries… Who said history is boring?
Abelard and Heloise were quite the impressive medieval couple in that they were both educated, progressive individuals. However, their story reveals the timelessness of the human condition with regard to love and relationships: ambiguity, excitement, disappointment, confusion, frustration, and the realization that, for most people, there is no happily-ever-after. You just have to make the most of the cards you are dealt.
datingandhookup.com is a website that explores modern romance in the Millennial era – which, let’s be honest, looks nothing like we were taught to expect. We feature essays, advice and social commentary with humor, compassion and brains, and we vow never, ever to publish a piece called “The 10 Best Ways to Satisfy Your Man in Bed”. Do click to submit your work to us. We love you.
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