“You won’t believe what’s going to happen,” teases the narrator ominously, as we watch recaps of recaps of recaps before the episode begins.

You wouldn’t believe the things I can believe, The Bachelorette Voice-Over Artist. The only thing that will shock me is if she doesn’t choose Josh, a man who is essentially the prototype of everything she’s always been into (for reference: my prototype is Willem Dafoe in The Last Temptation of Christ, since I like men who are my dad’s age, grew up Catholic, and thought I should be a nun for about ten seconds). Josh is Andi’s Jesus-portraying Willem Dafoe. There’s no way she’s not picking him.

One hot tip from Chris Harrison before we begin this hot mess: The man who she refuses has done some restraining order-type behaviors in trying to speak with her (sounds like Nick), including trying to speak with her while she is on vacation in Mexico and trying to speak with her at the “Men Tell All” taping.

Those are my pre-taping predictions. On with the recap.

Nick’s One-on-One With Andi’s Parents

The last time we met Andi’s parents, they were staring in abject horror/deep skepticism at Juan Pablo. Andi’s mom takes some time with Nick to tell him about how important her career is to her (you know, the job she just quit according to Legend of the US Weekly), and how hard she worked for that.

Andi’s mom is struck, emotionally, by Nick’s repetitive declarations of love for Andi.  And they are repetitive. In a separate area, the crew films Andi explaining Nick’s kissing style to her sister.

Andi’s dad, Hy, gives Nick his blessing to ask her to marry him.

Andi and Nick go sit somewhere and talk about how awesome the day was and make out.

 

Josh’s One-On-One with the Family:

Andi explains how much Josh is her type. Hy seems unmoved. “You only get one chance to make one first impression,” Josh explains in interview.

Indeed.

Josh is basically shot of out a cannon, short-circuiting as he explains how sweaty he is and how nervous he is.

The way Andi’s family is responding to Josh’s impressive resume of being a former athlete and now Turtle to his brother’s Brett Favre-esque Vincent Chase is that of a family who has patiently comforted someone through making the same mistake over and over again. Josh is essentially the Malibu Stacy doll with the new hat.

Hy comments that he knows nothing about Josh beyond him being a guy from Atlanta. We’re right there with you, Hy. We also don’t know much about Josh.  Josh essentially yells back everything Hy asks him in the affirmative.

“You think this is just a camp romance?” Hy asks. “I think this is more than a camp romance! I am in love with her!” Josh says back.

Hy consents to his request for Andi’s hand. Andi and Josh go somewhere and make out.

One-on-One Final Date: Josh

They go on a boat ride.  Andi is wearing a caftan and I approve. Josh is wearing a tank top that I am not 100% on.

Josh recounts his conversation with Andi’s dad. Andi’s so sold on him. It’s honestly just the network selling me on a vacation to the Dominican Republic-level filler at this point.

Josh is a string doll of 20 phrases. “I wanna marry her.” “I want to take her back to Atlanta.” “She means the world to me.” “I want to marry her.” Then he’ll malfunction and say something like, “I’m ready to write that final chapter of our love story on this journey, and begin another chapter for our future.”

You guys, I just hate love.

After the boat ride, Josh gives her a letter he wrote. Then he gives her a baseball card he made of her, which says “Andi Murray,” which would be her married name.

They make out a bunch.

Final One-on-One Date: Nick                                                                      

Nick’s pretty much a broken record at this point, too, but it at least seems like he’s thinking it through. They go to a lagoon and picnic and swim, and Nick says a lot of things and Andi says a lot of things.

We finish the day with them having a glass of wine and Nick talks about wanting to get engaged, and explains to Andi that he is scared, and he is wondering. Andi tells Nick that “it is going to be all right.”

A small claims court judge would agree that Andi did just acknowledge that Nick shouldn’t fret about whether she would say “yes” to his proposal.

Andi is “giving him all the signs.” Nick gives Andi a necklace filled with sand from the beach where he first told her he loved her.

Travis Bickle Buys a Gun Time to Pick Out a Diamond

We see clips of clips of clips, and we see both men shirtlessly preparing to go to Neil Lane to pick a ring. Ladies in the live studio audience start squealing.

 

Andi says she’s made her decision. Nick comments about how important it is to him, how it could be the biggest day of his life.

Quoth Josh: “I’ve had some big days in my life, just getting drafted in baseball, going back and playing football with my brother, but this is the biggest day in my life.”

Oh, Josh. Neil Lane shows up for the annual “picking of the ring.” 

Meanwhile, Andi knocks on Nick’s door, and asks to go inside.

And the show cuts to commercial.

Back in the Studio Audience

Chris Harrison interviews Clare. Clare comments, “I wish someone would have come to my door.”

You and me both, Clare.

Farmer Chris is in the audience, and everyone screams. He says some things.

Drew (from Desiree’s season) is in the audience, and everyone screams. No one has a lot of insight except “Nick’s not the winner.”

 

Michelle Money (from a season I didn’t watch) asks who the next Bachelor is going to be. Chris Harrison demurs while the audience goes nuts, chanting, “Chris! Chris!” BEES! BEES!

 

The Part Where Andi Steps All Over Poor Nick’s Heart

Andi tells poor Nick that she woke up this morning feeling that something wasn’t “right” with him.

I’ll leave this here.

This “today’s not right” thing is a cop-out, because clearly today’s right for someone. 

Nick isn’t a gracious walk-away type. This goes in the direction of pretty much the most horrible thing I’ve seen on this show.

Andi needs to have the balls to tell him she’s in love with someone else, and she doesn’t, which is pretty cold. “Sometimes I feel like you took it too far,” Nick says. And then he sort of lays bare the entire cruel issue with the final people on this show; they DO take things far. I mean, you pretty much have sexual intercourse with three people one week, and then the next week you end up engaged to one of them.

The camera crew sticks around to watch Nick pack in silence. Nick doesn’t say anything, until finally commenting, “She asked me to trust her.” Oh, it’s not a good feeling.  I feel like I get re-traumatized by all of my previous breakups when they get to the final two.

The Proposal                                                                 

He asks her. She says yes. They make out a bunch. And they’re totally happy. Have fun with the football entourage, Andi, and I hope you enjoy tailgating. The end.

After the Rose Ceremony

I rarely stick around for this nonsense, but Nick’s devastation and subsequent humiliation here mean I need to keep watching.

We watch Nick essentially re-live his hometown date except he is alone (thus reinforcing the whole narrative of “life is pretty terrible when you don’t have a partner, right?” thing that this show does). We watch his mom cry on television. We watch Nick stare into a body of water, alone. Then we watch Nick roll up to the studio to see if he can meet with her before “The Men Tell All.”

Andi doesn’t want to see him, so Nick leaves a letter. Andi stares at it. Nick comments, “Hopefully this will be the start of something.”

Oh, honey, no.

Nick, Andi, and Unhelpful Therapist™ Chris Harrison

I want you to fill a bathtub with any type of acid. I want you to sit in it. That should give you an idea of the discomfort I am feeling.

Nick seems to want an answer. Nick says a bunch of stuff and Andi doesn’t speak. Andi then says a bunch of things about “great loves” and how he should be grateful that he opened up as he did. And Andi finally says, “I wasn’t in love with you.”

Things go on from there, and Andi talks about how she had a greater relationship with someone else. And then Nick plays The Card. He says, “If you weren’t in love with me, I am not sure why you made love with me.”

Andi says, “That’s below the belt, and that should be kept private.”

“That night was fiancée type of stuff. It meant so much to me, and I told you that,” Nick says, in between uncomfortable pauses.

Andi says that she wouldn’t have ended the relationship the way she did if she didn’t respect what she had. Everyone applauds.

When Josh arrives, they are all sorts of happy, Nick is forgotten, and Grumpy Cat arrives. As much as I rag on Josh, they seem to really be quite happy together, so go forth, kids.

If there is a lesson this season: Dating is hell and requires you to be cruel and to be the victim of cruelty, sometimes. Also: Wash you darn hands after you use the restroom.

I have a fetal position to return to, until next week’s Bachelor in Paradise.