If one of these dudes was going to not leave her alone after the final rose, which one would it be?
Yay for padding! Tonight, Unhelpful Therapist™ Chris Harrison becomes Useless-at-Follow-Up-Questions Journalist™ Chris Harrison. Before we get to the main event, former bachelorette Ashley and her husband (from the show) JP show up, and Ashley is about seven months pregnant. Chris Harrison’s introduction: “When I told you guys to say your ‘I do’s’ it turns out you took it pretty seriously.”
NO.
In other news, Ashley and JP moved to Miami. “To be closer to Juan Pablo,” Chris Harrison cracks.
Remember how uncomfortable this season was?
Chris Harrison is on fire. Ashley and JP seem genuinely happy together. And in a moment that crosses some sort of dignity threshold, Ashley will have a live ultrasound during which we (and they) will discover the gender of the baby.
Sidebar: I think this is as good a time as any to address something I am sure I will ruminate on at length when Bachelor in Paradise begins. What does it even mean anymore, this life? What does it mean? Does anything matter? For some reason, watching an adult woman get an ultrasound on national television to find out the gender of her baby, after having a televised wedding, televised courtship, the horrifying Bentley portion of her season, and the failed courtship on another season of The Bachelor, is making me feel like I am staring into the void and it is smiling back at me, yelling “Prostitution Whore!” while shilling something vanilla-flavored.
Is this happiness? Is this what it is all about?
OK. And now, a televised ultrasound. The audience is weepy with anticipation. The lab tech administering the ultrasound does amazing suspense-building work as we find out that they are going to have a boy. Chris Harrison comments, “Every man has the dream of having that son.”
Perhaps next will be a live birth.
Bachelor in Paradise Preview
Speaking of Bachelor in Paradise (and this song, which they keep playing – but don’t worry, it’s been on my iTunes for YEARS), we see a brief clip package of the show – I spot Clare, one-armed Sarah, Ashlee, Michelle Money, Marcus Gosling-Cage McPoyle, Ben (the one with the kid), Marquel, Dylan, Cody, Chris, Graham, Naked Hippie Lucy, and a bunch of other people whose names I will need to re-learn. Also, it appears an ambulance, likely borrowed from the latest Real World/Road Rules Challenge cast, will show up.
FYI: Bachelor in Paradise IS a show where you can expect more than one contestant to fall prey to alcohol poisoning.
The Men Tell Us Some Stuff
A bunch men I don’t remember show up all, of them wearing scarves (self-awareness of the excess of scarves is a beautiful thing). The women in the audience go insane.
We watch a clip package of everything that has happened so far, reminded of the stripper date, Craig’s drunkenness, sour grapes, Andrew’s potential racism, Andrew calling the other contestants “lowlifes” and “meatheads in suits,” and a lot of comments about “being here for the right reasons.”
Hey, Andrew? Don’t worry. One day a REAL rain will come and wash them all away.
Chris Harrison launches right into the racism incident; Marquel gives a thoughtful response about taking the right approach and the women in the audience again go insane. Andrew “agrees” with how Ron handled it (he misspeaks and names the only other black person on stage, which is unfortunate at best).
In literally the first time I have ever seen someone get called out, via footage, on a reality show reunion episode (it drives me nuts that Andy Cohen never goes to the tape with those housewives), Chris says, “I will show the footage of you leaning over to JJ.”
Back, and to the left. BACK…and to the left.
Andrew’s tone kills me. He could be reading bedtime stories and it would still sound condescending. He’s probably a fine person, but man alive, the tone on this fella.
Suddenly, everyone turns on JJ and says he didn’t handle it right.
Marquel turns it around and says, “This isn’t what it’s about…and all I can see is your selfishness,” at Andrew. Ron clarifies that it was not necessarily racism, but ignorance. Andrew snaps, “I didn’t say it.”
I am not clear on why everyone hates JJ so much, but he attempts an apology and it goes unaccepted by the crowd and the other men.
One-on-One Time: Marquel
Guys? Marquel is the best. He acknowledges he got stuck in the “friend zone” with Andi. He is wearing a cookie pin on his lapel. He “does not hate” beautiful women.
The ladies go nuts.
They mention Marquel will be joining Bachelor in Paradise. The women in the crowd again lose their minds.
Then Marquel whips out a tray of black-and-white cookies and begins throwing them in the crowd.
Again with the references that were so hot 23 years ago.
One-on-One: Marcus Gosling-Cage McPoyle
We get to relive the moment where Marcus gets his heart broken, and prior to that, his conviction that Andi was “the one.”
Marcus is super-thoughtful and dignified, explaining that he didn’t mean it when he said he wished he never told her that he loved her, saying that it came from a place of “embarrassment.”
Don’t worry, though, Marcus will also show up on Bachelor in Paradise.
One-on-One: Chris
“Why didn’t Andi love this small-town farmer?” Chris Harrison asks. The women in the audience go nuts again.
We watch the heartbreaking clip package of Chris loving and losing Andi.
Don’t worry about it. Ladies will come, Chris.
Chris Harrison mentions how awesome Chris’s mom is, and I continue to agree with this. Chris riffs for a bit and a woman raises her hand from the audience, goes up on stage, and asks him out.
Every woman in the audience looks rage-y and jealous, and wishes that they thought of it first.
One-on-One: Andi
Andi arrives and the crowd goes wild.
Some meh “highlights”: Andi and Chris classily explain themselves. Marcus asks, “Did it scare you that I was so open with you so early on?” Marquel asks about the “friend zone.” Cody asks about the “friend zone.”
Andi then discusses how she is not pregnant, even though InTouch Weekly told us she was. And then Chris Harrison makes with the lie detector test results.
So Marcus lied about sleeping with fewer than 20 women, we know that Dylan told the truth about not washing his hands but not about being ready for marriage. Andi does not want to hear what Josh (one of the final two, and clearly her favorite) lied about.
We see bloopers. So many bloopers.
Filling out the two hours is a look at each of the finalists. Chris promises me surprises I won’t see coming next week in the finale. However, the bar has been set pretty high due to the appearance of an ultrasound machine this evening, so short of an “I choose me” moment, I don’t think I will be surprised.
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