Before we start I wrote a hilarious joke. Pretend I am there:

Me: “Why did the chicken cross the road?”

You: “I don’t know.”

Me: “To run back into the factory farm where chicken slaughter was preferable to having to finish watching this season of The Bachelorette.”

Seriously, guys: We’re going to make it through this. I don’t know what life is going to be like on the other side, I don’t know if we’ll be fully capable of experiencing joy as we once did, I don’t know if we’re going to recognize the face in the mirror, if the image of the sad train ride with Dylan will ever leave us entirely, if the mime date disaster will haunt us into the night, awakening us with screams. But we’re going to get through it. Andi’s season WILL come to an end. We don’t get our time back, but we will get to keep whatever wisdom we gain.

Perhaps, at some point, we will be grateful for what we learn during this time.

One-on-One Date: Nick

We arrive in Venice, which gives me the opportunity to wish I were watching Casino Royale.  Everyone reflects on how excited they are to be there. Cody Seth Greens how much he wants a one-on-one date.

Andi is wearing a coat that I am coveting. When she chooses too-cool-for-school Nick, everyone is displeased, particularly Cody.

Venice is beautiful. Nick explains himself as they play with pigeons; they make out a lot. Nick is apologetic for his saltiness. They ride in a gondola and make out a lot.

The evening portion of the date involves both of them dressing up in formal wear and going to a masquerade hall, like you do on your second date with someone. I suspect the over-the-topness of all of this must be irritating to him (I am going off of what I know from the mime incident). Nick very eloquently expresses how much he likes Andi and also owns his behavior from last week’s Mimegate (why not). Andi clearly likes Nick quite a bit (I like Nick, also) and Nick really seems to own his bad behavior from the week before.

She gives him the rose, they put on masks, and  waltz in the courtyard. And everything’s OK.

Group Date: The Untalented Mr. Josh

Andi gets another note from her secret admirer, which…wow, I don’t care who it is. I don’t care.

They wander through Venice and see people making shoes and watch pizza making.

Andi takes them into an armory, and introduces them to two intimidating Italian men who are going to give each of the men a lie detector test. Oh, look, a date that tops the Magic Mike Nightmare as the worst date ever.

The history of interrogations of Americans in Italy certainly stirs caprice and romance in one’s soul.

After admitting in the lie detector test that he DOESN’T WASH HIS HANDS AFTER GOING TO THE BATHROOM, Dylan tells Andi that he is not feeling well and wants to go back to the hotel.

Meanwhile, we find out that Farmer Chris is the secret admirer.  We find out that everyone pretty much lied in one way or another, including Andi. Instead of reading the results of what lies are being told, all of them rip up the results, instead relying on trusting each other. The last fifteen minutes of my life feel worthless.

The evening part of the date involves Brian being charming. There’s something about that Brian.

Marcus Gosling-Cage spends some time with Andi and he mentions he considered leaving. They make out.

Following this, Josh starts waving around flags, screaming, “I’m Not Hiding Anything!” during their time together. Andi gets upset by this, convinced he is hiding something. Josh is talking like a speed freak trained to say only Bachelor-isms. (“I’m here for the right reasons and I think trust is the most important thing in a relationship and I thought we really connected and I’m not like the other guys and why are people lying and my family is the most important thing to me and where’s the meth.”)

Farmer Chris confesses that he wrote the secret admirer love letters. As a result, Chris gets the rose.

JJ throws down the gauntlet and says, “We should stop congratulating each other on getting one-on-one dates, and getting roses. Because someone here’s going home.”

And then it gets uncomfortable. Might as well eat, drink, and be merry until the execution, right? Just like in Gymkata.

One-on-One Date: Andy Makes Worm’s Meat of Cody

They head to fair Verona, where I will wink at their dischords and all will be punish’ed. Cody runs up with the enthusiasm of Frostie the Snow Goat.

They look at a bunch of beautiful buildings in Verona. They visit the location that inspired Act II, Scene ii of Romeo and Juliet, and then they respond to some of the “letters to Juliet”  (yes, like the movie) that have come in to the town. Which I am betting is right up Cody’s alley.

Cody, however, is all heart, and he gets super-emotional in his interview with the camera. At dinner, he reads Andi a lovely note he has written, and follows it with the statement: “I want to grab you, kiss you, hug you, roll around with you.” Andi then gets super-emotional and pumps the brakes. She emotionally sends him off. Cody walks away with his dignity intact. It is sad.

The Cocktail Party

They arrive at a giant house, where Nick immediately grabs Andi and takes her into a room to make out.

The other men get super-sour grapes about it, but then everyone gets a chance, and it becomes a make-out party. Everyone seems to have written her letters that they read aloud to her.

Josh has gone from low mumbling to super-fast talking that seems like speedily recited soundbites from the past 27 seasons of this show.

Andi spends some time with Unhelpful Therapist™ Chris Harrison, who feigns interest in Andi’s fate. All of us have had this conversation before. We still haven’t found out what Dylan’s deal is – they have literally cut away from all of his interactions with Andi in this episode.  It’s the oddest editing I have seen yet on this show.

Staying:

Nick

Chris

Dylan

Brian

Marcus Gosling-Cage

Josh

There’s no rose for JJ, who is going home to his pants. He looks BROKEN. He’s sweating and physically wracked as he departs.

Next week: We’re off to Brussels, and everyone hates Nick. (Who I just don’t hate. Is he a villain?) Prepare yourself for the Van Damme references.