The Jamesening. Where the quest for reality stardom comes crashing down.

One-on-One Date: Drew

So all of the men are there, toasting, and Desiree continues to be sunnily optimistic.

Drew – so adorable, so intense – gets the date.  They are going to explore Barcelona. (Another note of what I like about Des’s run on this show: each of her new city dates are greeted with her wanting to see the city, with the exuberance of a child.) They get hot chocolate and giggle and make out and follow it with dessert.

Drew has had a tough family background. His father is a recovering alcoholic, which Drew was cognizant of as a kid, and he gets emotional and Des gets emotional. Then Drew mentions that his dad has cancer, and how his father is so positive that many people in his life don’t know he’s ill (well, not anymore).

ONIONS.

 

They go to dinner in a magical courtyard and, in what might be the least calculated romantic moment ever on this television show (no, I am not being sarcastic), Drew grabs her and runs from the camera and kisses her in an alley.  Damn, boy.

Desiree is a bit speechless. Drew follows this moment – and easily scoring a rose (and likely, EVERYONE’S hearts) – with, “I want to share something, do you want to hear it?” And he lets loose with James, the King of Chicago, the hopeful future Bachelor, as cad.  Des is pissed.

Six-on-One Group Date: FutBol! (Soccer for you American chumps)

Time for a futbol-playing group date, which includes Brooks, Chris, Kasey (dropping the hashtag out of respect, he has earned it), Michael O.G. (he has a new name after his brutal takedown of Ben and now his relentless hammering at James), James, and Juan “I Don’t Read AND I am a Cypher” Pablo.

The boys will be playing against Desiree’s team of women – the guys are all, “We’re about to bake some cookies, girl scouts.” (Well, Brooks is like that).

 

The guys are really confident that they can beat the girls, particularly because Juan Pablo is a pro soccer player (this is all I know about him. And he interviews for, like, the second time, and mentions his daughter). The guys start off strong, with two goals, but the boys become more penetrable. James, the King of Chi-town,  is in the goal – and everyone points out that James doesn’t seem too into it. Probably counting his 2017-era, Season 36 of Dancing with the Stars semifinalist money. The women win by at least 10 – 2.  This is followed by drinks. Of course. Des pulls Chris aside first, and she reads HIM a poem she wrote. They make out. Following this, she hangs with Brooks, who, I mean, AW.  They make out.

The action is on the outside where Michael O.G., Kasey, and Chris confront James. Kasey calmly states what happened. Wow, cut off one American Psycho’s head (that would be Ben) and another grows back in its place, right?

Here’s a children’s treasury of the Kubler-Ross model of being caught in a lie on reality television:

• DENIAL: James flatly denies that he started this conversation, blaming the crowning of the King of Chicago, the becoming the next Bachelor, and the boat full of ladies on Mikey.
• ANGER: James calls it “hearsay” https://legal-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/Heresay to Michael O.G., who, I will remind you, is a D.A. in the insane state of Florida.
• BARGAINING: James begins, distressingly, playing directly to the cameras, pushing it back on everyone else (I believe implying envy to them – that they are doing this merely because they have had fewer dates with her).
• DEPRESSION: He saves his tears for later.
• ACCEPTANCE: Then he says, “These cameras tell all.” I don’t like what they’re saying, James.

Kasey calmly responds with, “Mikey didn’t talk about becoming the Bachelor.” Kasey devotes his one-on-one time with Des to telling her, literally, the same things that Drew did.

Des sends everyone home sans rose – she’s decided not to hand one out on this evening. Everyone, that is, except James.

And, oh, WHAT a performance we are treated to! Crocodile tears, refused eye contact, denial that he was ever King of Chicago,  denial of the boat and the models and the clubs with Mikey. Such denial, played directly for Camera 3. James explains that Mikey was “self-medicating himself” with rationalizations about boating, because he didn’t have a connection with Des, and James was just being nice.

James swears on his DAD (hope you’re sure about what you’re doing, James) that he never said anything like this.  The other men are jealous and they’re ganging up, a page out of the playbook of all villains on these shows. Yes, they are all JEALOUS.  Everyone’s jealous of your boat, your models, and your royalty.

Heavy weighs the head that wears the crown, James.

 

Des sends this erstwhile Patrick Bateman back to the house, which is some pretty cursed earth-style punishment.  All of the guys interview that they are concerned he is going to turn violent, which I agree with.

He returns to the house, says goodnight, and all of them look pissed.

One-on-One Date: Shirtless Zak

Shirtless Zak is concerned that the James stuff will ruin his date. Des says she is looking for a break from the drama, and Shirtless Zak is focused on making the day awesome.

They walk around and look at art. Then, they go to a life drawing class. They draw each other, to hilarious result. Then a dude comes out, drops trou, and they are to illustrate him. He poses all sorts of ways. Then, in a moment that surprises me not at all, Shirtless Zak strips down to his briefs and poses for her. She giggles. It’s fine.

They go to a cave for dinner, and Zak charms Des, as he also charms me. I don’t dislike him. They make out and Des gives him a rose. And then they make out more. More making out against a wall.

Further The Jamesening and the Cocktail Party

In the unending Jamesening, James pulls Drew aside and asks him what his perspective is. Drew says that he thinks it is wildly inappropriate to talk about your future outside of this show. Drew restates what he heard, and James looks crestfallen and angry. Drew holds his ground and James insists that he is only being practical, recognizing that if this doesn’t work out, there’s always another chance to be in love on television. He says, “The worst thing that could happen is that he would become The Bachelor.” Drew, dumbfounded, points out a bunch of logical flaws in his comments (at least, logical in the world of this show, which is essentially Marat/Sade with helicopters, roses and nightly cocktails).

The next day, they all sit awkwardly and Des shows up and takes James away with the intent of telling him to leave.  However, as they talk, James sells her a lemon of a used car named “James is Awesome, Don’t Believe Anyone.” James really picks up steam in his racket. Des buys it. James squishes himself in on the couch with the guys with a “what’s up.”

They all argue, and it becomes way too meta. James is, clearly, not nearly as invested in this in as real a way as the rest of these dudes are. James reaches a point where he refuses to answer questions. Chris points out that being on The Bachelorette does not entitle someone to being the next Bachelor.

We move on to the rose ceremony. FINALLY.  But first we have a shot of Des standing in front of her gallery of contestant photos. The heretofore-absent Chris Harrison shows up to comment and to point out there are only three roses, so we’re going to have a Moldavian Massacre of a finish tonight.

Roses:

Drew

Brooks

Chris

Zak

Michael O.G.

The gorgeous, mysterious Juan Pablo, James, and Kasey (respect, my friend) are heading home. Juan Pablo shows more of his personality in his exit interview than he has in the previous 5 ½ episodes. Michael O.G. says, glibly, “People versus James, found guilty, case dismissed.” Michael, NEVER CHANGE.

James sees nothing wrong with his behavior, and closes with, “Why me.” See ya at the reunion, James.

…And James: Be kind, rewind.

 

Next time: Portugal, and SO. MANY. TEARS.