Shout-out to Governor Christie’s favorite, Bruce Springsteen.
The men are out of the frying pan and into the fire in this week’s hometown visits. Andi comments as we open, “Who wouldn’t be nervous to meet their future in-laws?” I don’t know, meeting four potential sets of those in-laws?
Nick, Waukesha, WI: Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!
Nick’s is the first stop, in downtown Milwaukee, where we go to a food market (everyone’s favorite place in their hometowns seems to be a food market), where they enjoy cheese hats from America’s only town-owned football team.
They head off to a brewery and then to do some polka-ing. The polka makes me morose.
Arriving at Nick’s house, they are greeted by an attractive WPA-sized cast of characters. Nick’s sister Maria sits down with Nick and he tells her that he’s in love with her, and this Maria says that, while the scene is heightened, it’s possible that Nick loves her. Andi tells this same sister that she’s really into Nick, and the sister nods but is clearly dubious. And she’s also wearing a rad outfit of a navy minidress and fringed scarf and I am in love with it.
Also, his littlest sister, Bella – who is probably ten but I’m bad at guessing – comes to Andi with a list of questions written on looseleaf and asks them. She’s cute as pie.
His mom gives her tearful blessing. She departs. All seems well.
Farmer Chris, Lamont, IA: “Gatlin! There ain’t nothin’ in Gatlin.”
Chris has a massive cornfield (or whatever) and a great house.
They do what you do on a farm date, which is plow through a field with a John Deere. (None of this is a euphemism).
They chat a bit about what Andi could do, living on a farm, and it sounds like…not much. There doesn’t seem to be a lot of call for an A.D.A. specializing in gangs. Maybe up in Cedar Rapids.
Just when we get to the “watching the corn grow” part of the date (also not a euphemism), a biplane with a banner saying, “Chris Loves Andi” flies by.
His family loves him, and raves about him. They are unequivocally supportive of Chris and his dreams. His mom talks him through how this could totally work out for Andi.
I kind of want Chris’s mom to get her own television show; she seems pretty cool. Andi and Chris’s mom have a conversation about what she wants out of life, and Andi talks about wanting kids which means…
They play “Ghosts in the Graveyard” at the end of the night, and Chris and Andi make out.
Josh, Tampa, FL: Any Given Sunday Will Be Spent with Josh’s Family.
Josh says a bunch of things very quickly, many of them seeming to come straight from his brain without filter, his convenient southern accent arriving on the scene.
They go to a field to play baseball, and Josh explains that it’s difficult to think about baseball, but not with Andi. They make out and Andi mentions an inner struggle for Josh, which, again, I don’t think he knows how. I think Josh knows about sports and how to say things he’s heard other people say on The Bachelorette about feelings.
They spend a lot of time talking about his brother’s football career. Finally Josh’s mom, who looks A LOT like Andi (just saying), and Andi get some time to chat. There is a lot of family time in being part of Josh’s family – they go everywhere together and they’re a unit. Andi comments in voice-over that she expects to be able to make their own family and have their own time.
Andi, let me pull you aside and give you a word: No. They are not going to be cool with it. His family is going to talk so much s%^& about you if you take him away from them and they are going to fully expect you to be there. See: The Kennedys.
But Andi LURVES him. So what do I know?
Marcus Gosling-Cage McPoyle, Dallas, TX: Andi Does Dallas
Marcus picks her up and they make out, and then they get champagne at an empty bar and make out more.
Marcus changes into his naval officer uniform from the stripping “group date” several episodes back, and dances for her again. They blur out what appears to be an appendage outline.
I am crawling out of my chair in discomfort. Andi mentions that she is a bit scared to meet his family, due to their unconventional structure (Marcus is estranged from his dad and has struggled to repair the relationship with his mother). To be fair: his family’s dynamic sounds more realistic than most of the apple-pie scenarios presented on this show.
They are all smiles on Andi’s arrival, and I keep waiting for the weird to start. It doesn’t, really. Everyone seems very happy with Marcus’s happiness and it’s pretty low drama.
The Bachelorette’s “The/My Pet Goat” Moment
The cast of the show arrives at Unhelpful Therapist™ Chris Harrison’s home in Los Angeles, and everyone sits around nervously, while Chris Harrison helpfully explains that he will “tell everyone at once” when Andi arrives. When Andi arrives, Chris Harrison announces that Eric, former contestant, has died.
So glad the television crew is here to capture this moment, too, because it wouldn’t be real if it weren’t filmed. Chris wanted everyone to know, as fast as they could let them know, and of course, as fast as they could assemble a camera crew to let us see how they handle their grief.
It’s ghoulish and inappropriate. The end.
The specter of sorrow hangs over the ceremony. Andi makes a speech and then walks away crying. Everyone looks sad.
Staying for the next round:
Goodbye, Marcus Gosling-Cage McPoyle. You are too good for this nonsense.
Next week: Fantasy Suites. So, yeah.
Sara C.'s crafting career began when her grandmother sent her to lessons at age nine. Public relations, show tunes, Beverly Hills, 90210 and Tuesday Weld are among her areas of expertise. She will put anything on a canvas for you. www.etsy.com/shop/CarsonZickersham
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