The first few episodes of every season are always a study in chaos, and tonight is no exception.

We start precisely where we left off, where Yoga Teacher Kimberly is walking back into the house while all of the other girls are cheering for their roses. A cacophony of “What is she doing here”s begins amongst the interchangeable women. Notably, it is light outside, which means they have been filming ALL NIGHT LONG.

Kimberly gives an impassioned speech to Farmer Chris, who looks stunned. He talks to Chris Harrison, unhelpful as always. “It’s your wife, there’s no rules…if you want her to stay, she can stay. If you want her to go, she goes.”

Farmer Chris brings her back into the fold of the chosen 300 (actually 23). Everyone claps supportively, and then talks garbage on confessional camera. Also, it is pointed out a few times that Farmer Chris is going to make his own rules.

First Date: Six on One

The camera pans back for a twenty-three shot and all of the girls rave about Farmer Chris.  Chris Harrison explains to the women that Farmer Chris is just down the driveway from them, so they can go see him anytime.

Lasciviousness awaits.

Picked for the date are Jade (who’s Jade, anyway?), Motorcycle-riding Tandra, freelance journalist Ashley I., Single Mom Mackenzie, Drunk Tara, and “I Won’t Take No for an Answer” Kimberly go to a pool for a pool party.

Then they walk in their bikinis down a Los Angeles street. (What’s weirder, L.A. residents? The women in swimsuits, or seeing people walking somewhere?)

This is all sorts of inappropriate. They then arrive at a phalanx of tractors. Tractors plus bikinis equals magic, every single time.

There’s a tractor race. Tractors are not fast-moving vehicles.

Ashley I. wins the race.  Ashley I. and Farmer Chris sit on a tractor and drink champagne while the other women sit on the transposed-to-the-middle-of-downtown-L.A. set of Hee Haw, staring dejectedly at the date rose.

Farmer Chris pulls Mackenzie aside, interviewing, “Mackenzie was great during the tractor race today.” Mackenzie has some other charms, too; she is very sweet. She also talks about how she likes Chris’s nose and that she believes in aliens. Then she tells him about her son.

Nevertheless, Farmer Chris gives Mackenzie the rose and they make out.

Back at the House

Some highlights:

• Jillian, wearing a bikini so scanty that the censors had to deal with it, and Megan, the makeup artist, decide to sneak into Farmer Chris’s house. They are visibly intoxicated as they take turns wearing his motorcycle helmet and walking into things.

• Juelia, the esthetician, tells all of the ladies about her daughter from a previous relationship. She, too, is a widow. Juelia talks to the other girls about how to tell Farmer Chris about this.

• Everyone at the house is, again, visibly intoxicated as the next date card arrives.

• Mackenzie throws some rad shade at the rest of the ladies and says, “It made me feel really settled,” when explaining that Farmer Chris kissed her five times.

One-on-One Date: Megan

They fly to Las Vegas. Then they take a helicopter ride, a favorite date on this show. They fly over the Hoover Dam  and there’s a lot of superlatives about this date, about the scenery, and so on.

Naturally, there will be champagne as they sit by the Colorado River. Megan explains that she auditioned for the show at the last minute, and that her dad died shortly after that.  Farmer Chris likes Megan a lot and gives her a rose.

Billion-on-One Date

Seriously 800 women go out on the next date with Chris, which is a limo pulling up to a dark, abandoned warehouse where the limos are swarmed by a actors dressed as zombies.

Farmer Chris opens the door and surprises them. No one gets eaten. Everyone takes turns hugging Farmer Chris for comfort.

The girls get kitted up with paintball guns to shoot zombies. Crazy Gaze Ashley S. talks about how she plans to shoot the other girls, despite the continued instruction to not do that. Crass Kaitlyn interviews that killing zombies is so her thing.

Ashley S. is profoundly frightening as she Denzel-Washington-in-Training-Day’s pretty much everything in sight. She has also never blinked on camera.

The paintball game seems to resolve itself as we are suddenly sipping champagne and wearing fancy clothes. Ashley explains to the girls, before staring at the ground and talking about angels, that she would never shoot a person.

Kaitlyn explains to Farmer Chris that she is the entertainment in the house before doing a Canadian accent. My husband helpfully offers, “She’s not funny.” Despite this, they make out.

Ashley S. is unblinkingly telling Farmer Chris that she wants him to hide. She doesn’t seem drunk, but she does seem like she is on PCP. Farmer Chris tries valiantly to be positive about her, saying that she is at times profound and at others maddening. (This is not a direct quote).  Ashley walks up while Farmer Chris is saying all of this on camera and tells him his “leather smells really great.”

It’s a combination of Manson family member and Nastassia Kinski in Cat People.

Farmer Chris is so taken with Britt, and brings her a “free kiss” card. They suck face. Free Hugs Britt is Judi Dench compared to Ashley. Farmer Chris gives Kaitlyn the rose, much to Britt’s disappointment.

Back at the House

Everyone is visibly intoxicated, particularly Drunk Tara, who shows off her spitting-on-her-hands-and-climbing-the-wall techniques before drunkenly taking down Weight Lifting Enthusiast Jillian’s body hair.

Cocktail Month

It’s time for 23 women to parade desperately through our collective memories. Whitney snatches him first. Her hair continues to be fantastic. She has somehow smuggled in a bottle of his favorite whiskey. Ashley I. tells Mackenzie and Megan that she is still a virgin.

Ashley offers Farmer Chris three wishes on her belly button ring which, oy. Okay? They make out. Everyone goes to the window to watch them. It’s pretty intense leg-up-in-the-air making out.

This makes Free Hugs Britt cry. Farmer Chris then makes out with Amber. Someone named Jordan is drunk and decides that there’s never been a better time to try to make out with him, also, which he declines. Their interaction is painful.

Sidebar: This is the drunkest crowd we’ve seen on this show in some time.

Rose Ceremony:

Farmer Chris is keeping:

Megan

Mackenzie

Kaitlyn

Britt

Ashley I.

Trina

Kelsey

Samantha

Juelia

(Jillian accidentally steps up and then trips over the carpet when he calls Juelia)

Amber

Jillian

Jade

Nikki

Becca

Carly

Whitney

Ashley S.

Party girls Tara (who is despondent) and Jordan are out, as is flight attendant Alissa, motorcycle rider Tandra, and Kimberly, the yoga instructor who insisted on a second chance.

Next week: Jimmy Kimmel, arriving to a rip-off of the Bernard Hermann score for Cape Fear, is going to help. I don’t know what this means.

Until next time.