Join me in the event horizon, will you? It’s over tonight, save for the various members of this cast who manage to cling to E-list fame via reality television. Do not think you have seen the last of Juan Pablo. He’ll haunt our dreams.
What can I say about what we have seen during this winter of our discontent? What can I say about how awful JP is at this? It feels like ABC did about half of the background-checking that Mike Fleiss did with Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire? back in ’00.
Pretty soon, we won’t have JP to kick around anymore. But until then, we have the reunion, in which pots will call kettles black and those kettles will respond, “I do not know this phrase, ‘Here for the wrong reasons.’ Okay?” And someone will give little Davy Hutchinson a few pebbles, and others will say it’s not right or fair.
You know what, though? ABC did an atrocious job screening JP as a candidate for this show. And not being able to speak English does not excuse his views on homosexuality, the boorish treatment of several of these women, and, the greatest crime of all, being here not for love, but for fame.
BUT FIRST! We catch up with Sean and Catherine following their wedding and, more importantly, wedding night. It’s a big old spoonful of Ew Gross.
Following this, in a promotion for Muppets: Most Wanted, Chris Harrison catches up with Miss Piggy and Kermit, who are apparently getting married in March. JP shows up. Also, Miss Piggy and Kermit were married in 1984 by Ed Koch, and that’s quite enough already.
Also, the original theatrical poster looks JUST like The Day of the Locust.
We’re actually in St. Lucia, not Bangkok. But that SONG. Where JP is about to seduce three women, and immediately reject one of them the following day. He tells us that overnights are special because “it’s no cameras, and I can really get to know the girls.”
Oh, do tell.
I am just running out of things with this season.
Nikki, Kansas City, MO: Blind acceptance.
Naturally, she is just so excited. The adjectives fly as they describe each other. They wander around Kansas City, including a stop at the monument where (SPOILER ALERT) Jason Robards dies of radiation poisoning in the television film The Day After.
Nikki is looking forward to seeing “how cowboy JP is.” Me too. Cue cows and JP’s Bubba-in-Forrest-Gump recitation of the varieties of barbeque. This is followed by a visit to a bull-riding bar.
This is everything you think it will be.
In tonight’s installment of the interminable JuanPabloing, we visit Australia New Zealand (you guys, it’s called a bit).
Tonight, to make the time pass, the Bachelor will be played by Eric Bana, proud New Zealander Australian. Close enough. (Actual distance: almost 2,000 miles.)
What it boils down to is this: I just. Don’t. Care. How. This. Ends. Up. I am exactly 0% convinced that JP can find lasting love on this television show with these women. Oh, he’ll propose to someone. And they’ll get engaged. And they’ll say a whole bunch of stuff that has been said before, which will include words and phrases like “princess” and “never felt this way before” and “love” and “you’re the one that I want.” It will all be a lie. I feel like JP’s treatment of Clare (“WHORE!” pretty much sums up his treatment of Clare) and his not-even-Fox-News-friendly view on gay men would be dealbreakers for a fortunately large portion of humanity.
It’s the night a girl raised on the bombastic filmmaking of Oliver Stone has waited for. JP in ‘Nam.
Tonight, I imagine a world in which ABC was able to draft Willem Dafoe to be The Bachelor. He’s dreamy, brilliant, and likely has a better track record with GLAAD than our current bachelor.
There are eleven girls left, and JP is, of course, excited. He is excited to be in Vietnam and he is excited to take it “to the next level.” Whatever that is. Is that a base?
One-on-One Date: Renee and JP Walk Around in Vietnam
Renee is psyched, and so nervous that her hands hurt, which I understand and yet, I don’t. Everyone remaining at the house is wounded.
JP mutters a bunch of stuff before Renee meets up with him. She is hoping that things move in the right direction, she gets a kiss, and a rose. They walk around, talk about the weather, and then he drives her around in a pedicab. In an act that seems vaguely patriarchal, JP gets her fitted for a dress. They shop for Camila and Ben (her son).
They meet for dinner, and Renee wears her new dress. She is adorable. She comments, “I generally like him,” which sounds more like something Sharleen would say.
JP enthuses, “Honestly…there could be something here.” He says a bunch of other stuff. There is a lot of talk about pages and being on the same one. They release some lanterns on the water, and JP explains why he is not going to kiss her (again). He gives her the rose.
Side note: Renee keeps saying that JP is buying all of them gifts. I think that ABC-TV is buying the gifts.
Also, Renee? You’re too good for this.
Here’s my recap of Catherine and Sean’s wedding: On Sunday, January 26th, Sean lost his re-virginity, and it was not televised. The end.
And now: There are thirteen lucky ladies left. This week will bring the crazy with TWO group dates… in a foreign country.
Six-on-One Group Date: Electric Youth
Everyone goes bananas when Chris Harrison announces they are “going to the land of Gangnam Style…the beautiful Seoul, South Korea.” The girls can barely stop jumping up and down in the air to pack. Someone says something about a kimono, which would. Not. Be. Appropriate.
Once we arrive, everyone is just flipping out. “I love a new culture, I love meeting people, I love it!” says Juan Pablo, not talking about homosexuals.
“A whole new place, a whole new language, a whole new culture! I can’t wait to experience it with Juan Pablo,” interviews about six different girls. Dog Lover/Whore-Caller Kelly adds, “There’s so many great shoe stores!”
I feel like I cannot, in good conscience, ignore the fact that JP said some pretty ignorant, offensive, and downright bizarre stuff over the weekend. Two things:
1) I don’t think his opinion holds a lot of sway in American society.
2) I suppose I must respect his Sarah Palin-guaranteed first amendment right to say terrible things without any sort of consequences, as well as his first amendment right to blame being taken out of context. (Oh, context, how DARE YOU strike again!)
Here’s the deal, JP: You’ve really got no excuse for this kind of willful ignorance, being under 35 and living in a major metropolitan area. You’re not that old guy on that show, even though I would guess you have a shared revulsion of reading. Use your meeting with GLAAD for good, and I will recommend this pretty picture book as a starting point (you can also listen to it on CD if you don’t have time for the words).
(Kicking my soapbox back under the table to watch The Bachelor)
A note on spoilers: You don’t have to Google too hard (I won’t link to anything as it is just too tempting for the weak among us, and I am one of those weak people) to find some of the spoiler-related news that came out last week regarding this show. To which I say: You must go to your God with your need/want of this information and your willingness to enjoy my amazing, amazing recaps and the show itself. I am not saying I have looked at them (which is to say, of COURSE I have) but I will not reference any of them in my recaps because it ruins the fun (and since my brain is clogged with nonsense relating to Donna Martin, I don’t quite remember any of the spoilers anyway).
On with the show.
Starting off: “Countdown to Juan Pablo” preview, wherein we see the “exciting” (note: NOT my word choice) behind-the-scenes casting process and get to know JP himself.
Dear Juan Pablo,
Is it cool if I call you “JP” going forward? Awesome. I thought you’d be okay with it. Have you started reading yet? I noticed that several of your candidates for a lifetime partnership mention Dr. Seuss as their favorite author…some of his ideas become complex (one of those books is about the arms race) but the words are usually simple. You will like that. Also, these girls uniformly LOVE The Notebook (the movie, not the Pulitzer Prize-winning novel) and are desperate to go to Paris.
So while I am not entirely convinced that you were even aware that you were on a reality television program last year, fighting for the love of one Desiree (who probably settled, and good for her, right? Right), here you are, back for love.
You guys. GUYS.
This week, I did a lot more color commentary reading than I usually do during my recapping. I usually skip it because my intellect hangs by a tremulous thread to begin with, due to all of the Real Housewives of New Jersey ephemera and Beverly Hills, 90210-related nonsense that consumes my everyday life; additionally, I like to keep the vessel pure. But I was curious about what people thought was going to happen. So here’s what I know:
1) The Bachelor(ette)’s foremost authority on the internet (NO, it’s NOT me) Reality Steve doubled down on his assertion that Des will end up with Brooks.
2) Brooks did NOT get on a plane, you didn’t see him leave to go anywhere, he just rode around in the limo. And I think, based on what AshLee said during last season’s “Women Tell All” (KILL ME) they keep the final three in place in order to keep the secrets alive.
3) People seem to believe that the only way Des will have a happy ending is if Brooks returns.
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