relationships
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In case you had any doubt that dating is dead, we held a funeral for it – and buried forever the harmful and irrelevant notions about romance, women and relationships that have plagued us for so long. RIP!
As Victoria from The Village Voice writes, we “have no problem bidding goodbye to bullshit rules of courtship.” Nope. Not at all.
(VILLAGE VOICE: dah GIRLS Jessica Donalds & REBECCA WIEGAND HOLD FUNERAL FOR DATING)
Every lady knows and loves and yearns for this guy. The One Who Got Away.
By definition, he’s not in my dah, but he’s been in my life for practically all of my 27 years.
We met – as it were – as toddlers in the mountains, where our families vacationed at the same rustic resort. There’s a photograph of five-year-old, platinum blond, chubby-faced me staring at him across a wildflower field. He had long, curly, silken dark hair and in the picture, he’s wearing a red t-shirt and looking back at me cooly, like a miniature rebel without a cause.
If you go up to the resort even now, there’s a piece of driftwood where we both wrote our names in magic marker, probably that same year. He’s a year older than I am, so his name is spelled correctly and mine has a backwards B and Y.
It wasn’t until much later that I consciously knew I was in love with him. I was 12-years-old, with knobby knees and ears that stuck out, but I was still a sun-kissed, freckled blonde and had happily evaded the awkward ‘awkward phase’ that had stricken most of my friends during this time. At home in the suburbs, I was making out against lockers and in his bunk-bed with Rob The Hockey Player, though refusing every day to ‘be his girlfriend.’ I had that compulsive desire for male attention (even adolescent, slightly be-pimpled male attention), but I knew I was saving up my “official” love life for someone truly epic.
That’s when I re-encountered him, The One Who Got Away, on vacation with my family in the mountains.
In real life, if there were a dah category called “The Guy Who Gives Lots of Love Advice to his Female Friends,” then this week’s dah guy would be a perfect fit. Well, there’s not! But lucky us, we got to pick his brain and glean his post-dating wisdom anyway. Keep reading for some male advice on relationship sex, long-distance flirtation and why men are such assholes.
To submit your questions for next week’s column, email us at with “Ask A dah Guy” in the subject line!
I’ll never forget the day I discovered that the last scene in Sleepless in Seattle was filmed on a sound stage. Remember that scene? It’s iconic. After months of admiring from afar, Meg Ryan is finally united with Tom Hanks– the widow with a heart of gold– and his precocious son at the top of the Empire State Building on Valentine’s Day. Watching that scene is basically the best thing that can happen to your insides.
I’ll never forget that day because it’s the same day I visited the Empire State Building.
For the first time in my life, I will be living with a boyfriend. I’ve lived with guys before (my brother, my ex-roommate’s brother), but never with my guy. I’m beyond excited, and also, a little anxious. The anxiety is mainly because this will be the 3rd time in 1 year that I’ve moved. And moving is an anxiety-riddled thing. There’s just so much to do!
So in order to make all this anxiety a little easier to deal with, I’ve broken down some thoughts about moving in with a boyfriend. Maybe they’ll resonate with you, too.
Thought #1: Sharing a bathroom.
Yeah, we could have gotten more bang for our buck by moving into a less trendy area and gotten an apartment with more than one bathroom, but we didn’t. And now we’re just going to have to deal with that. I stay over at his place a few times a week, so by now, we’re pretty used to each other’s bathroom habits and how much counter space we need. I’m well aware that he uses more hair product than I do, and he’s well aware that I need 2 towels to dry off after I shower (one for my hair). We’ve adapted, and we’ll continue to adapt, lack of counter space be damned.
Struggling with jealousy issues? Then just stop being jealous. It’s easier than you think!
My husband and I were college sweethearts, then dated long distance across the Atlantic for a year, and finally moved in together and dated for a few more years. By the time our marriage rolled around, I thought we had everything figured out and there was nothing left to discuss.
Kids? Yes, two. (Three automatically if twins first.)
Religion: His.
Pets: a dog, but not until we have a backyard.
What else is there?
We were so compatible we couldn’t think of anything we disagreed about and didn’t worry too much about figuring out any problems in the future. But, as we sat with Rabbi Lynn (his choice of religion, my choice of requiring a woman to officiate, check, check), she threw us a curveball.
“Here’s your homework,” she said. “I want you to think of five reasons you love your partner.”
In the coming week, I was shocked by this simple request. We decided that we wouldn’t discuss the answers, but that we’d write them down and share them with each other (and the rabbi) the following week.
https://www.flickr.com/photos/jasoneppink/
Breakups are tough across the board, but it’s a different beast for the one who gets dumped. While the dumper tiptoed off the rug, methodically rolled it up and placed it in the hall closet, the dumpee simply had it tugged out from underneath them.
They’re hurled into a whirlwind of anger and shame and disbelief. They feel betrayed, yet still in love, which in turn makes them feel crazy. Their self-worth plummets, then rises on a good hair day, then plummets again when they see a sandwich that vaguely resembles the dumper’s face.
It’s very touch and go, and I feel for the dumpee. But I’m not talking to the dumpees; I’m talking to the dumpers. And dumpers, I’m here to tell you this:
IT’S NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO GET YOUR EX BACK ON THEIR FEET.
As open as we are about relationships in 2015, thanks to the endless sharing via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and others, there seems to be one relationship issue we’re still not ready to bust wide open — couples therapy. Going to couples therapy definitely isn’t as closeted as it used to be, or as shameful; celebrities like Dax Shepherd and Kristen Bell are happy to discuss their times in couples therapy, with Shepherd saying, “In my previous relationship, we went to couples therapy at the end, and that’s often too late.”
But there’s some disagreement about that. A recent article in The Cut about the subject quoted a young woman who said, of couples counseling, “If you need couples therapy before you’re married — when it’s supposed to be fun and easy, before the pressures of children, family, and combined financials — then it’s the wrong relationship.”
So which is it?
I’ve decided to get a little Emily Post up in here considering there is no current Emily Post and she made it all up anyway. My first order of gauntlet throwing: the social media + break-up connection: what do you with all those photos after the relationship is no more?
I think we need to handle this on a case-by-case basis, which I’ve outlined below. Obviously the real answer is do as you please, but if you can’t figure out what you please, here are some thoughts.