MAD MEN, Y’ALL! I’ll be here every week. Except last week. Last week I missed the premiere, so we’ll pretend this is my premiere. I’m calling this a recap, but it’s more of a live-blog. Let’s jump in, shall we?
Cool, first minute and I’m pretty sure Pete is already being a skeezeball. Way to go, Pete. You turd. He’s talking about hot dogs and simulated sex acts and I was too busy typing the above sentence to know why, but I’m sure it doesn’t matter. (Oh, I guess he was talking about giving some honey-buns [his lady-neighbors] tickets to see Hair.) Pete and his wife Annie from Community are now saying bye to their guests. The dude-neighbors were being totally pervy to Annie-Trudy, but she didn’t seem phased? Now the neighbors are gone and Pete’s kickin’ back on the couch while Annie-Trudy cleans up. TYPICAL MAN.
Okay, now Don is in the elevator with his neighbor, The Doctor. The Doctor was saying bye to his wife (Sylvia) (the one Don is boning!!!) and then this dick Dr. dude is like, “YOU’RE LUCKY YOUR WIFE WORKS, DON, BECAUSE MINE IS JUST TAKIN’ ALL MY MONEY” because WOMEN! The men have a long laugh. Then the doctor gets off the elevator but I have no idea where he goes because it seems like they only went down 2 floors.
I need to confess something and it’s not going to be easy – the thought of selling my body for money has crossed my mind once or twice. I am not proud of it. I am even more shamed by what my college Women’s Studies professor would think or, say, my parents who paid good dollars for said college probably so I never have to think that thought. But during my flings with unemployment and subsequent Showtime’s Gigolos marathons I have had the passing thought – those dudes kind of have it made.
This brings me to the topic of the gray area entrepreneur, Jacqueline Samuels, who has opened up a snuggle spa, a cuddle concierge, a spooning salon that is the Snuggery. Turns out, American culture is chronically deficient in non-sexual touch – I guess we just go straight for the junk and maybe save the cuddling for after. Maybe. Probably not. Probably we have a really early appointment we have to make in the morning so let’s do this again sometime. Well apparently that’s our first mistake. Are you feeling anxious with the weight of the world on your snuggle-stunted shoulders? Perhaps consider treating the afterglow as the main event. Numerous studies (that seem to be clogging my pacifist-filled Facebook newsfeed) have shown that cuddling raises the levels of the oxytocin hormone that creates calmness, helps with depression, reduces stress and addiction and ups your immunity. And as we Californians know all too well, where there’s promise of inner peace, there’s a new age buck to be made – I’m looking at you, Lululemon.
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