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I was never a very good dater.
Once upon a time, I would have attributed that to the fact that the strongest, most lasting relationship I’ve ever had has been with my mother. But I can’t be sure.
You know my mother. Sure you do. Just picture the love child of Sylvia Fine from The Nanny and Marie Barone from Everybody Loves Raymond — with just a touch of a more accessible Angelina Jolie thrown into the mix (my mother is reading this, after all). And there you have it. An eccentric self-proclaimed drama-mama, she dresses up in her wench costume for the annual Renaissance Festival and reads Tarot cards. Like an excitable puppy she often gets so worked up about something that her mind runs faster than her body and she falls over and needs to be rushed to the hospital. This is a woman who gets so worried when I don’t immediately return her calls that she has been known to call the police on me, convinced that I’ve gone missing.
My love life has never been spared her utmost attention and devotion, of course.
Where we last left off in the world of dating apps, we were discussing dating app Bumble, and whether or not it empowers women. Well, I’ve just been alerted to yet another dating app, and this one combines Tinder with the “missed connections” section of Craigslist. It’s called Happn, and the idea behind it is you see someone cute — in real life (gasp!) — and the app finds them in your proximity and you take it from there. It launched in San Francisco, but it’s bigger in Europe (and Australia), with a hefty 2.5 million users. To quote Happn itself,
Every time you cross paths with another happn member in real life, their profile shows up on your timeline!
Every time you cross paths with another happn member in real life, their profile shows up on your timeline!
On every profile, you can see the number of times you’ve encountered this person.
And if you don’t want to see a person on happn anymore, you just have to click on the Cross button.
You want to get in touch with someone you’ve crossed paths with?
You can check out their profile at any time and see the time and place of your last encounter.
You happen to find someone you like?
Like them secretly with the Heart button: they won’t find out… unless the interest is mutual!
And if you wish to be noticed, charm them to send them a notification.
(For men, sending a charm costs 1 credit.)
Get the idea? So what do we think? Is this the new Tinder?
Ever get tired of swiping left or right through a sea of people in your city who have been narrowed down only by an age range? Let’s get more specific shall we?
As always, the Internet has come to our rescue. Here are some incredibly specific dating sites to meet all your individual needs.
Unclear whether you can sign up to find someone else who has horse posters all over their room, or if you can match with an actual horse.
Big news in the online dating world! Tinder, the addictive dating app, is unleashing Tinder Plus upon the world. Tinder Plus offers brand new features, like “rewind”, meaning, if you accidentally swiped left when you meant to swipe right, you can “rewind” and undo your grave error. They’re also offering their “passport” feature, which enables you to find bangable options in any city. Sounds like good stuff, right?
Well, here’s the thing: Tinder is going to charge for this service, which, okay, fine. Rosette Pambakian, a Tinder rep, reported to the Huffington Post that Tinder Plus will cost a monthly subscription of $9.99 — unless you’re 30, or over. If your twenties are behind you, so is your $9.99 fee. Instead, you’ll have to pay $19.99.
Hey, what’s better than a real human boyfriend? A fake digital boyfriend, obviously! Elite Daily announced to the world last week that, “A set of apps called Invisible Boyfriend and Invisible Girlfriend, now in beta, offer you the chance to create a significant other who will send texts and appear in photos with you.”
Um, wut? I get lonely sometimes (as all of us sad, sad, chronically single people do), but I don’t think having a robot text me sweet nothings at night would fix that. In fact, I think it would exacerbate my sadness, because it would be taunting me with what I don’t have.
The article points out the myriad uses for the app, which mostly concern tricking people. “The new partner also comes with a unique meet-cute story and shared photographs for your nosy aunt to see,” and “He or she will send real-time messages checking in on you, meaning your coworkers can watch a message exchange happen.”
But really, is it worth this whole kit and caboodle to lie to people who are just concerned about your wellbeing? Maybe I have a super-rad, mega-awesome family, but besides the occasional standard, “Is there anyone special?” I don’t get pestered about my personal life very much. Very, very, very occasionally, they’ll pry a teeny bit further, but who needs an invisible boyfriend app when we still have access to the good, ole-fashioned excuse? “Sorry family, I have a full-time job, a part time job, and a time-consuming hobby. No time for sweet, sweet lovin’.”
“Amanda Bradford doesn’t think her dating app, The League, is elitist. She prefers the word “curated,” the same way Ivy League schools and top employers select only the best candidates,” explains Business Insider.
Umm… girl, let’s not use euphemisms. It’s elitist. This is some straight up sorority girl booshit that just got $2.1 million in funding. It’s for a good cause though guys, “Ultimately, Bradford wants to match tons of power couples.” And, isn’t that what the free world needs, more power couples? I just wish Bradford had a modicum of self-awareness and understood that this truly is elitist. Just come out, say it, and embrace it. I’d respect it way more. Like, cool, I don’t agree but you do you girl.
If you’re wondering who the 4,500 beta users are, “Right now, the app skews slightly female, and its users often have advanced degrees. They tend to be in their late 20s; all have been carefully selected by Bradford’s team using an are-you-cool-enough algorithm her tech team built.”
Look, I was in a sorority for four whole years. I participated in grueling weeks of rush school for three of those years, which makes it pretty easy for me to sniff out some pretty obvious similarities between what I went through and what Bradford’s team apparently gets paid to do. #justsaying
I get it. Online dating is stressful. When you don’t have someone else’s physical face in front of your physical face, it’s hard to get a read on what’s going on in their weird, strange, little mind. It makes you uncomfortable; it makes you insecure and, most of all, it makes you IMPATIENT.
I understand it, I do. But still. If I get one more goddamn pathetic second message within 48hrs of first contact, I am going to find a way to explode the universal mainframe* of OkCupid so that every man registered on the site has an immediate malfunction on their laptop, tablet, and/or smart phone which causes the device to spontaneously combust.
We’re all looking for something. Some of us are looking for a job, a love life, and maybe even just a couple of better parents. Thank goodness there’s online matchmaking sites for all your needs.
We’ve all heard of using OkCupid, Match.com, or even Tinder to meet your next date. But what about Twitter, or Instagram? Or hell, even Facebook? Have you ever used social media to help you date? By which I do not mean tweeting “I’m single #whowantstodateme” — that’s just desperate and not cute.
I met a lad on Twitter. He was a musician. I was a fan of his. We met up, hit it off, had sex, and now we’re friends. Unlike writer Laura Olin, of Swimmingly, I did not meet the love of my life on Twitter. But that’s okay. I’m amazed I met a real live human on Twitter, and had sex with real-live human. And am still alive. These are big things.
I wasn’t intending to use Twitter to date. It just kind of happened. I think that’s the key when you’re using social media for sexier purposes; you can’t plan or design it, it just kind of has to happen. But there are some ways to guide the happening.
Boys, boys, boys. You know I love you; most of the time you are my favorite thing! However, we need to talk about your online dating profile picture.
Itʼs not good.
In fact, I hate it. We hate it. But, letʼs try to fix this! Because I want to meet you for a drink and maybe make out with you afterwards.
Here are a few changes you can make so that I will find you interesting enough to swipe right.
Can’t get over your ex? There’s an app for that. Well, sort of. Match.com is pairing up with the matchmaking service Three Day Rule that uses facial recognition software that can find a match for you based on what your ex looks like…if that’s your thing.
Talia Goldstein, the founder of Three Day Rule, told Mashable that, “People have a type and it’s not necessarily about height or race or hair color, but a lot of it is about face shape.” Meaning there’s more to a potential match than height, weight, hair color and eye color. For $5,000 for 6 months, you can sign up for Three Day Rule’s premium service that has matchmakers finding you matches based on photos of your ex.
datingandhookup.com is a website that explores modern romance in the Millennial era – which, let’s be honest, looks nothing like we were taught to expect. We feature essays, advice and social commentary with humor, compassion and brains, and we vow never, ever to publish a piece called “The 10 Best Ways to Satisfy Your Man in Bed”. Do click to submit your work to us. We love you.
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