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L the alien
Greetings once again from Earth, esteemed colleagues! Greetings most especially to you, Madame Chairwoman.
Was that creepy of me to say it like that? I hope it wasn’t creepy.
Let me just start by saying thank you (thank you!) for letting me stick around so I can continue my quest for knowledge, AKA my quest to avoid Space Prison. I solemnly vow on the life-force of my own mother-being that I will not let you guys down again.
Council Members, you seem like nice, law-abiding public servants, living the squeaky-clean, upper-middle class alien lifestyle. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that none of you have ever been banished to another galaxy because of an unprecedented judicial oversight like I have. So let me be the one to tell you that it’s not easy adjusting to life on a new planet.
Because getting hyper-transported directly from Space Court to Earth isn’t disorienting enough, the tiny, squishy essence-of-being, containing all of my previously acquired memories, beliefs, and unquantifiable me-ness, had to be supplanted into the brainparts of a freshly-born babyhuman. My self-awareness remained intact, but an understanding of my environment had to be developed along with motor skills and the ability to communicate. The process took years, and was basically really confusing and inconvenient. There were tears, public meltdowns, and lots of decapitated pacifiers and sitting around in my own poop, which is super-demoralizing when you’re self-aware.
Dear Oprah 4,
Wonderful news today!
The Council has deemed the research I conducted on humans during my 20s a sparkling success, and they were more than impressed by my babyhuman-themed transmission! They loved me so, so much Oprah, like elderly people love well-known human Shirley Temple. They were so, so appreciative of all my hard work. I mean, they didn’t say this exactly, but I could tell from looking into their super-reflective eyes that was how they felt. Their admiration and pride did not require words to be communicated.
What they did say with words was this:
“Agent USL04, we think you did an OK job so we’re going let you stay on Earth to continue your research, and we are trusting that you are now self-motivated enough to keep this thing on track. We want you to continue to build the identity of your human avatar, gain the trust of as many humans as possible, and gradually unlock their behavioral patterns and most tantalizing secrets. Be as sneaky as you need to be.
You are to proceed into your next decade in this manner, and we will heretofore expect one transmission from you every full lunar cycle, forever, until your earth body expires, which means you have a great deal of work ahead of you unless you get hit by a bus or something. Understand this: you can no longer be lazy about stuff. We know from prior research that the humans often experience great angst about why they’re even on Earth in the first place; What does it all mean, What is my true purpose, etc. Well, L, in case you were wondering this also, we’re telling you straight up that spying on humans is literally your purpose in life, ok? Mystery solved.
Please remember that as scientists we deal strictly in factual information. Therefore, you must constantly try to maintain a balance between living the true human experience and getting so caught up in it that you forget why you’re there, like you did with Transmissions #1 and #2, which were both terrible. This is not a game, dammit! The information you are extracting is being put to very important use! A lot is riding on the efficiency of our ISA agents, and we need you to stay absolutely focused. You are not typically focused even slightly, which is why I’m pointing this out specifically.
I’ll take this opportunity to remind you that no one, under any circumstances, can know of your extraterrestrial origins. No matter how emotionally connected you may become to the humans, or how badly you want them to all pay attention to you at happy hour, you must never divulge the truth.
Dear Oprah 4,
Weeks have gone by since my transmission to the ISA Council on human activity and still no word on whether I may continue my research on planet Earth or will be forced to go to Space Prison, a gloomy fate for which I am not cut out one bit.
As my journal, you obviously already know all my important thoughts and feelings on Space Prison. I’m way too eager to please to ever make it in the clink! I’ll fall in with the wrong crowd, have to go through some horrible initiation process, finally start to build trust among my fellow convicts, and then get shivved in the end anyway for accidentally betraying my gang leader, all because I wanted one of the other gang leaders to like me.
This is just one example of how my inevitable prison slaughter might go down.
Because the outcome of my transmission is still unknown for some stupid reason, my nerves are frayed to the max. I am unable to go into full sleep mode. I can’t think about anything else. Will all the hard work I did preparing for my presentation pay off? Will I get to stay here on Earth, where I have spent years learning to fit in among my human subjects? Where I’ve made the best of my unfortunate and most unjust exile? Where they make tacos?! Because trust me, Oprah, if you were an alien who found a planet that made tacos you’d want to stay too. But you’re a journal, and you have no mouth parts, so I don’t really expect you to understand.
I keep going over and over it in my mind. Should I have sent a thank-you note? A fruit basket filled with delightful Earth fruits some of which have been partially dipped in chocolate? Did I come across confident? Knowledgeable? Likeable? I tried my best on all accounts.
But… what if my best wasn’t good enough?
dahGRAMS
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