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Greetings once again from Earth, esteemed colleagues! Greetings most especially to you, Madame Chairwoman.
Was that creepy of me to say it like that? I hope it wasn’t creepy.
Let me just start by saying thank you (thank you!) for letting me stick around so I can continue my quest for knowledge, AKA my quest to avoid Space Prison. I solemnly vow on the life-force of my own mother-being that I will not let you guys down again.
Council Members, you seem like nice, law-abiding public servants, living the squeaky-clean, upper-middle class alien lifestyle. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that none of you have ever been banished to another galaxy because of an unprecedented judicial oversight like I have. So let me be the one to tell you that it’s not easy adjusting to life on a new planet.
Because getting hyper-transported directly from Space Court to Earth isn’t disorienting enough, the tiny, squishy essence-of-being, containing all of my previously acquired memories, beliefs, and unquantifiable me-ness, had to be supplanted into the brainparts of a freshly-born babyhuman. My self-awareness remained intact, but an understanding of my environment had to be developed along with motor skills and the ability to communicate. The process took years, and was basically really confusing and inconvenient. There were tears, public meltdowns, and lots of decapitated pacifiers and sitting around in my own poop, which is super-demoralizing when you’re self-aware.
Your weekly dose of WTF?!-worthy news…
*Prince William and Kate Middleton are engaged! Their first interview as royals-to-be reveals the details of their courtship. Met at college? Were platonic pals for over a year before dating? Lived together with a group of friends before officially hooking up? Broke up for a bit, in order to figure out who they were and what they wanted? William tried to cook elaborate meals for Kate (and failed)? Fell in love because they were able to have many “a good giggle” together? Announced the engagement via Facebook? Sounds like a post-dating romance to us! Now, if one more person calls her Waity Katie… (Sky News)
*Looks like men who do housework – and have wives who work similar hours to them – are happier. Gender roles in marriage are shifting (duh!). Woohoo, equality. So, who’s going to take out the trash today? (Salon)
*Ryan Reynolds was just named People’s “Sexiest Man Alive” – and his wife Scarlett Johansson recently earned the title of GQ‘s “Babe of the Year.” What were we saying about needing role models…? (People; GQ)
*Guys, in case you weren’t already feeling insecure about your manliness – you’re evolutionarily falling behind your ancestors! Start doing some pull-ups and improving your rap game stat. (Manthropology)
*Those revolutionary Millennials, and their willingness to forego doormen and in-building gyms to follow their artistic dreams in New York City. What crazy idea will they think of next?? (The New York Times)
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