Friendships come and go — it’s a way of life. Sometimes, it’s because of some major event or offense; one of you deeply hurt the other person, and you can’t move past it. But sometimes, both of you just gradually drift apart. And in some ways, this friendship break up is even harder to cope with. Because it’s not like you did something bad and deserve a break up. You don’t know exactly what went wrong, because nothing really “went wrong.” So it’s not like you can apologize and move on. You just have to…move on.
So whether your break up with your friend was like this — vague and without warning lights — or was straight up (and straight up painful), I have some advice on how to cope with a friend breaks up with you.
Drink lots of wine.
Am I actually advising that you drink to cope with your problems? You bet your sweet bippy I am. Don’t drink forever. Don’t drink so much that you forget your own name. Don’t drink and Facebook (or Tweet, or call). But if you don’t have a drinking problem and are looking to knock back a glass of Olivia Pope style red wine without feeling guilty, I give you my permission.
Valentine’s Day is tomorrow, but that doesn’t mean you have to wait to celebrate the other special relationships that bring you happiness on a daily basis. You can get started today by celebrating Galentine’s Day!
A few years ago on “Parks and Recreation,” Leslie Knope taught us that Galentine’s Day is a wonderful opportunity to let the ladies in your life know how much their friendship means to you. So call up your friends, sisters, cousins, mom, grandma, whoever you want — and let them know how awesome they are.
Have you ever been in this break-up scenario? You’re ending it, and one of you says, “We should just be friends.” People say it so often it’s hard to tell when it’s sincere, but when it is, it’s something to seriously consider. Truthfully, it can be difficult as hell to stay friends with an ex, but it doesn’t have to be. If you see it through, you can get a trusted friend out of the ashes of your break-up. You can have a friend who knows you really well. Knows your history and your story.
So should you be friends after your break-up? Let’s break it down.
Few things will force you to examine what you want out of life the way that a four-hour round-trip drive to a baby shower with three married friends, a toddler, and a newborn will.
This was the position I found myself in a few weeks ago. I was happy to be traveling with these ladies; I don’t see them very often and they’re fun to be with. We traded stories about the advantages and disadvantages of everybody’s jobs, choosing paint colors for different rooms, favorite new music, and the best cities to visit or live in. It was nice to be able to chime in on most of those topics. But, inevitably, there was talk of husbands, weddings, daycare, planning family activities—none of which I minded talking about, but also none of which I could relate to, even though I so wanted to be able to.
I’ve said before that I never dreamed about my wedding day as a kid, and I think part of that was because I didn’t think I needed to dream about it. I assumed it would happen. Grow up, get a job, get married. That’s what 99% of the adults in my life did. Those three milestones seemed automatic. Adulthood. Job. Marriage. My friends have experienced those moments in their lives, whereas I seem to be stalling on the marriage part—and not on purpose.
Happy Thanksgiving from Dating & Hookup! Enjoy the holiday weekend with friends, family, and food!
Ladies, do you have a BFF? I don’t think I do. I think the person I’m closest to is, weirdly, my ex boyfriend. I don’t feel I have a female bestie, and it kind of worries me. Shouldn’t I have a BFF? It seems like everyone else does. What happened?
It’s important to keep your female friendships in check, because they can take as much work as any other relationship. I feel I let my female friendships slide. Don’t do this.
Here are some ways to keep your female friendships strong.
It’s easy to holla to your girl when she’s going through a bad breakup, but it’s important to check in on a regular Wednesday afternoon. Just send a text or email to let them know you’re thinking about them. I think I became so involved with my own stuff, I neglected my friends. I didn’t do this on purpose, but it happened. Now I make sure to let all my gal pals know that I’m thinking about them and rooting for them. Not in an obsessive stalker way, but in a kind, “Hey girl, hope you’re well” sort of way.
There are two kinds of people in this world: those who stay friends with their ex, and those who do not. One of these people is not better than the other; it’s all a matter of preference. I do believe though that those who stay friends with their exes are probably better off in the long run.
There are lots of reasons not to stay with an ex, like heartbreak. Which is why you should give it time. I am definitely not suggesting that the day after your breakup, y’all head out to Disneyland. Give it some time, and the consider a friendship. And why?
This week, I discussed how to stay friends after the friends with benefits relationship ends. Now I’m focusing on how to keep the benefits, AKA, how to have a successful friends with benefits relationship.
First, as with any relationship, and you’re gonna hate me for saying this but, YOU GOTTA HAVE “THE TALK”. Both parties need to know exactly what’s up. It doesn’t have to be a long and serious talk; a general “Hey, so this is what I’m thinking, how about you?” sort of talk will work.
Then, you have to let your expectations align with what you discussed. Do not expect a relationship if it was made perfectly clear that this will not lead to that.
And that’s the hardest part about friends with benefits relationships and where they go awry: people tend to catch feelings, and rarely is it at the same time. Not many true FWB situations turn into a Barney and Robin relationship. (Really old How I Met Your Mother spoiler, sorry). Most of the time, the friendship and the FWB relationship is destroyed.
So in order to keep the benefits going, you have to know what to expect, and what not to expect. If you think you can handle this type of relationship, and you’re both consenting adults, go for it. If you think there’s even the slightest chance you’ll develop deeper feelings, this is not for you. Don’t lie to yourself.
Don’t make the mistake of referring to your friend with benefits as your boyfriend or girlfriend. You may say that because it’s easier to explain, but it’s very confusing.
You want to keep things light and fun. That’s what the relationship should be about: fun.
Photo: Nina Leen via LIFE photo archives hosted by Google.
So, you did it. You had sex (or some form of sex) with your friend. You’re bangin’ buddies, now. Friends with benefits. Special friends. That whole thing.
But for whatever reason, it’s over now. And you wanna stay friends with your friend. Can you do that? Is it possible?
Yes, you can, and yes, it is. I have some suggestions.
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