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commitment
As the news that Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher are expecting a baby began to spread, so did the chatter about the order in which they’re approaching making a family (since they’re engaged, but not yet married).
In the past there was a very specific sequence: love, marriage, and then children. If things didn’t proceed in that way, it was usually thought to be a problem or a mistake. But times are changing, and the openness and acceptance of doing things in a different succession are a reflection of that.
In fact, this is a trend we’re seeing more and more these days, especially in Hollywood.
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Once the news of a pregnancy is out there, some might choose to get married before the baby arrives, and others might wait so the baby can be at the wedding. That decision, as well as when to get pregnant to begin with, really all comes down to the fact that people are busy, often working two jobs, and they’re choosing to make time to create a family instead of waiting for the right time which might never come.
In this case, ‘scared’ makes total sense.
Some people have a way with words. You always know exactly where they stand on any issue — even those sometimes-tricky relationship-related issues. But some people have a harder time communicating their feelings, so they fall back on overused and worn-out cliches to make their point: “It’s not you; it’s me,” or “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” come to mind.
But what about when a guy says he’s ‘scared’? What is that supposed to mean? Over on the Huffington Post, Holly Sidell discusses what it really means when the guy you’re dating says he’s ‘scared’ – and what that means for you and the relationship.
“You have one year from today to propose.”
“My little sister’s wedding is in 4 months. If you don’t propose before then, I’m leaving.”
“If you don’t knock me up within 9 months, it’s over.”
Give a guy an ultimatum and his instinct may be to run for the hills before you can! Men are defensive creatures. They don’t like being told that they have to do something or else.
Instead of an ultimatum, it’s time for you to start thinking realistically about what you truly want and need.
There are several beliefs around the ultimatum, and I honestly believe in all of them depending on the circumstance (despite their contradictory approaches).
Melnik: My “daily” TED talk viewing this morning was with Esther Perel, a psychotherapist who spoke about keeping the flame alive in long-term relationships – I am talking about HOT SEX, you guys. Perel posits that if we qualify love as “to have” and desire as “to want”, then desire within commitment becomes paradoxical, at least semantically. The question at hand is: why does good sex fade even for those couples who continue to love each other or, more plainly, is it possible to want what you already have? I loved this woman’s talk, possibly in a gay way, but that aside, I thought she had a great way of framing the issue – “the crisis of desire is the crisis of imagination”. I was quick to discuss with my soul sister and sexual liberté enthusiast, Tiffany Greshler. Gresh, do you agree that “a foregone conclusion can’t satisfy our interest”?
“Do you believe in the power of love, a love that lasts a lifetime like in the movies?”
“Definitely, yes. It sounds cheesy, but..Real relationships are not affected by whatever happens in life. Knowing that you’ll always keep something special no matter what happens is something that has made an impact in my life. That’s one of the biggest lessons I’ve received in life.”
- R.Patz
quote & image via Seventeen Espanol
“I feel like I’ve found my other half, and I’m so excited about getting to love him for the rest of our lives…there’s not a lot of positive information out there about marriage. It’s the old ball and chain, the seven-year itch, the divorce rate. Still, my parents have been married for 30 years; his parents have been married for 40 years. Mine had great moments and some really sh-tty moments. But they couldn’t have been married to anyone else, and they make each other better.”
quote & image via Glamour
So there I was, standing in the baking aisle of the grocery store, cell phone dinging to alert me to a new message, trying not to cry but failing miserably. As a few silent tears rolled out of the corners of my eyes, I stared intently, through increasingly blurred vision, at my food coloring options, trying to remember the recipe for red velvet cake for my roommate’s birthday and not raise the suspicions of the helpful clerk who kept asking if I needed help finding anything.
The tears were irrational, illogical, and incredibly poorly timed. Yet here I was, crying over the loss of something I never had, and never really wanted, making the little old ladies trying to complete their mid-day shopping very uncomfortable.
“You want to marry everyone,” my friend said, not without judgment, in response to my latest time-untested infatuation. She wasn’t wrong; not too long ago I’ve received a text from a random number: “If you ever want to discuss engagement rings again, let’s grab a drink”. I have completely embraced the cliché of falling in love in Vegas and I have on my every trip there – by the hour. The truth is that, unlike my savvy, jaded, realistic friends, I never learned to compartmentalize, peg types, consider the situation and accept that the chances of meeting my soul mate at a 4th of July Deadmaus party are slim. In my tipsy mind, you and I will beat the odds – at least until the next weekend.
One of my recent husbands-to-be was tall, blonde and handsome. We danced and we kissed, there was a pool and a DJ and pretty lights and we were young. He graduated from the Naval Academy and told me he is really good on the grill. I impressed him with my knowledge of “crossing the line”. My husband-to-be also turned out to be the bachelor of the bachelor party – as I would learn when he shamelessly accepted my friend request (and continued to sext). He became someone else’s husband the following week but, by then, I’ve had my fix of An Officer and a Gentleman fantasies. Like clockwork.
Julia Roberts has three children with her husband Daniel Moder. What does she have to say about love?
“I believe that two people are connected at the heart, and it doesn’t matter what you do, or who you are or where you live; there are no boundaries or barriers if two people are destined to be together.”
It’s not like I have anything in particular against marriage.
I think my boyfriend’s fabulous–he buys me pastries in the morning (the way to my heart is through a croissant), has adorable blue eyes, and (probably more importantly) manages to be really fun and totally sane at the same time. Just the kind of person I’d be lucky to marry. You know, someday.
Or today, according to everyone around me. Since I hit 27, the engagements have started rolling in with a new ferocity, going from trickle to flood in a matter of months. None of these surprised me individually: couples who had been together for years, who were obviously head over heels for each other, who were living together and planning their life choices around each other. Marriage made sense for them, and I’d be happy to go dance and eat cake and watch them all make it official.
But a little more frequently with each announcement, I’ve had to explain to friends (and especially family) my own decision to keep on living in sin. The BF and I share all the characteristics of the new fiances: we’ve been together over four years, are very happy and stable, and one of us moved all the way across the country and took a very difficult bar exam just so we could live in the same city (thanks baby!).
So why am I not pining for a ring? Why am I, instead, periodically re-iterating to my boyfriend that I’m really in no rush?
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