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breakup
The worst thing about breakups is when they never happen. When you get dumped, when a guy or girl breaks up with you, then you can watch Almie’s video and take her sage advice, and you will suffer and grieve, but you will survive. But what about the non-breakup? The disappearance? The ghosting? The slow, inexorable self-removal of a person from your life, via unreturned text, via sudden, unexplained, constant busy-ness, via silence.
You think you want closure. Or you think it’s “just a phase” and that s/he really is that busy right now. Or you make a list of all the things you did wrong, all the signs you should have seen, all the ways in which you let yourself get too invested. Too vulnerable. Too needy. Too independent. Too Much Too Soon, or Too Little Too Late. You blame, blame, blame, him, her, or yourself. You dwell and obsess and it all spirals down into anger, hurt and sense of helplessness or is it hopelessness? No. The sadistic thing about the non-breakup, the slow fade, the disappearance is that there remains a tantalizing sense of hope. You guys had something! It was real! Technically speaking…it hasn’t even ended! Maybe he/she really is just that busy right now!
And so it goes, but that is not the worst part.
Well, it happened. I got dumped. Yes, yet another break-up to go through.
And I didn’t even see it coming, which is the worst.
One minute you’ve got a boyfriend and a best friend, and a few minutes later, you’ve got a stranger. And you go from signing emails with “love” to “good luck.” And that’s the hardest part, that strange new world you’re in where everything is different and you’re just trying to see what life will bring in the next 5 minutes because thinking of anything beyond 5 minutes is just too much, too much, too much.
And I think that’s the worst part about a break-up: the loss of two people. Losing your best friend is the absolute worst. It’s like in The Way We Were when Barbra Streisand’s character (Katie) wants to talk to Robert Redford’s character (Hubbell) about how her boyfriend left her, but she can’t, because he’s the best friend and the one who left her. So she’s kind of screwed. That’s how I feel. It’s a lonely feeling.
Tolkien once wrote, “Not all those who wander are lost” but some of us are, some of us are really fucking lost and are checking Google maps while texting our ex.
But I’m surviving. I may even be thriving. And one way that I survive and thrive is by making break-up videos. So I present to you, “How To Get Over Yet Another Break-Up.”
1) Get deep into a dramatic TV series on DVD.
I’m talking The Wire, Dexter, Homicide etc. You need to have intense characters to bond with and twisting plots to gasp at. Pick something withthree seasons or longer depending on how lonely you are.
2) Crosswords.
They are time consuming and you look smart doing them at Starbucks. Extra points if you subscribe to a newspaper to get your crosswords since this gives you a little something to look forward to every morning.
Break ups are tough, especially around Valentine’s Day. Ex-stalking is probably reaching an all time high this week, and many are left feeling defeated. But wait! Even if you lost the relationship, you can STILL win the break up. Thank god there’s a new service to help with that….
Has your relationship been the cause of more stress than sweetness lately? Perhaps the guy that used to bring a huge smile to your lips now sparks more of a knot in your stomach, a tear in your eye, or just a plain sigh. If it seems like your relationship has seen better days, it may be time to ask the obvious question:
Is it best to move on?
In fact, the biggest mistake people make is staying too long in a relationship that is heading nowhere. If you love yourself and your partner, you owe it to both of you to look the ugly in the eye, be honest with each other, and make a courageous decision that frees you both for what you really long for: A love that actually works.
How do you know when it’s time to call it quits?
First of all….let me be crystal clear here.
Whether male or female, the feeling of having your still beating heart bluntly extracted through your rectal cavity with a toothbrush fashioned into a jailhouse style shiv and being left wide awake, disoriented and bleeding out in an ice filled bathtub in a strange room with a note stapled to your forehead that simply reads ‘sorry’ by somebody that once personified your concept of ‘love’ and ‘trust’ is enough to leave either sex curled up, dry heaving in the fetal position to Sheryl Crow’s rendition of ‘The First Cut is The Deepest.’
In short: nobody likes getting dumped.
That said, it is my contention that between the two genders it is men who have a rougher go of an already rough situation.
Strong words I know…especially coming from somebody who pees standing up. But hear me out.
You feel The Slow Fade coming on, but you refuse to accept it. Everything with this guy had been going so well! But now his texts are less enthusiastic, if he writes you back at all. There are suddenly no plans in the works. All the hope and excitement you felt is floundering in the face of lost momentum. Maybe you can salvage it. Maybe it’s all in your head. Maybe you should text him just to see. Maybe you should like his Facebook status. But deep down inside you know the truth: no matter what you do, his next move will be to blow you off.
As a veteran of our crazy, confusing, post-dating world, I am all too familiar with this non-breakup. In general, I think it is best to let The Slow Fade run its course. Why insist on closure? Why risk looking crazy? If it’s going to be over, then let it be. Who cares?
Voila – the inescapable problem. Sometimes you really do care. You cared about him, and you sensed a future of romantic possibility. A night of bashing his disappearance over drinks with your girlfriends won’t make you feel better. The hurt cuts deep, because it felt like what you and this guy had was real.
How should you handle a breakup? Especially a complex one? I discuss, inspired by Yeats poem, Ephemera.
Full text of the poem is after the jump >>
Have you ever offered up your heart – red and raw and bleeding and throbbing – to someone who did not deserve it, who did not deserve you, who consumed it – and you – greedily, messily, carelessly…heartlessly? Yeah…we all have.
Alice Walker CALLS YOU OUT on this. And also tells you what to do about it.
Never offer your heart
to someone who eats hearts
who finds heartmeat
delicious
but not rare
who sucks the juices
drop by drop
and bloody-chinned
grins
like a God.
… read the rest of the poem here …
[anatomical heart cake by vmclure / photo by becky]
Image: Cherry Bam
“But en route to her place with groceries in hand I got the text heard round the world. All those sappy love songs I once mocked echoed through my sad sack of shit brain. I transformed into the nice guy finishing last from the latest Katherine Heigel rom-com schlock-buster.”
- from Valentine’s Doomsday by Spencer Walker
dahGRAMS
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