Like many women of the Internet, I read this week’s feminist pot stirrer on The Cut called, The Real Reason Women Freeze Their Eggs. I enjoyed it, and thought it raised some interesting fodder for a conversation that needs to happen.
“I suspected that, for many, careers were a socially acceptable excuse; if you froze your eggs because you simply hadn’t found a partner to have kids with, well, that was embarrassing.
But that was the truth of the matter. I continued to date, sipping listlessly at glasses of wine in bars chosen because I didn’t frequent them. Many of my closest female friends were doing the same. That they were excellent company to be in — smart, compelling, beautiful — did not change the fact that our collective situation was a drag. The people and situations were different but the broad outlines were all too often the same: The dude was cagey. He acted erratically, pursuing and then retreating. He was evasive when confronted with our wants and needs, or agitated, or defensive. Sometimes he simply disappeared. Of course, not all of the men we met and dated were commitment-phobes. But the numbers were significant enough to present a serious problem for those of us who wanted a partnership and children.”
For a while, we were all screaming at single girls that the only reason they were still single is that they were choosing the wrong men. Look inward, we said. Are you choosing the right guys? Are you only looking for unavailable men? It’s probably something YOU are doing to yourself.
What girl in her right mind looks for an unavailable man? It just happens. The real problem is, it happens way too often. How can we tell women that the solution to their problem is to just not choose unavailable men, when it seems like that’s their only choice.
Its not us. It’s them. They’re ALL emotionally unavailable/scared of settling down/stunted/selfish/fucking around.
Image from Transformer18 on Flikr
So I went to the doctor today, and I was dreading it for so many reasons. The first is, everyone knows doctors are scary. They’re like society’s acceptable bogeymen. They take your blood and judge your lifestyle. And this was my first time seeing this new doctor (thanks, Obamacare, for screwing with my insurance), and I was especially nervous. Thankfully, she was a doll.
But another secret reason that I was apprehensive about going to the doctor is that I know I’ve gained some weight, and I was afraid of being weighed. Yup, that’s something I’m ashamed to admit, but there you go. I told the nurse I didn’t want to know my weight, and she complied.
BUT THEN, I found out anyway, by mistake. I saw the number. And my heart sunk into my fat chest. This is the most I’ve ever weighed. It’s the highest that number has ever been. If it was a Donkey Kong score, I could be proud of that number. But it wasn’t. It was my weight.
Sometimes I wonder, “how much stupid shit on the Internet can I be offended by, and am I overreacting?” So I present to you, this cartoon I found on lolTen and was immediately offended by. Described, “how to understand women better”, the cartoon depicts a woman in a button down shirt in various states of undress:
They included, “It is pretty much easy to find the relationship status of the girl that you are interested in. The neck position of a girl’s shirt will tell us what her relationship status is. Quite simple, isn’t it?”
Let me explain why I am offended. This cartoon boils women down to the basic principle that their body dictates their entire personality, wants, wishes, and life. Because according to this cartoon, it’s “simple”. According to this cartoon, “happily married” women never show cleavage. According to his cartoon, women are defined by their neckline.
I find this cartoon in poor taste. Am I overreacting?
You may be inclined to say yes; something like, “yes, it’s just a silly cartoon”, and you may even find it funny. But to me, it’s just one of thousands of ways that women are continuously being put down and objectified online. We are consistently and constantly being judged based on our bodies. We are consistently and constantly slapped with labels. We are consistently and constantly made to feel inferior or small based on our appearance.
This cartoon implies that good, married women never show cleavage, because showing cleavage is something only desperate single women do. Why should we feel bad about our bodies? It’s as if it’s suggesting we’re 1950′s housewives who button up and save our bodies for our husbands. It implies there’s something wrong with wearing a low cut shirt.
It’s possible a woman did this cartoon — I don’t know. The “source” offered on lolTen only linked to the image on a page hosted by “Goon Feed”, so I have no idea who did this drawing. If it was a woman, I’m dismayed.
Do you find this cartoon as offensive as I do?
Confession: I have very vein-y hands. Also, my right index finger has a bit of a curve to it. My nails seem healthy, probably because they are never painted. And my knuckles are pretty bony, but I believe that’s normal as far as knuckles go. I don’t think anybody would notice these traits unless I pointed them out—but some people might argue otherwise.
Apparently there are people who do think others notice ‘flaws’ on their hands, which has resulted in the recent popularity of hand-lifts, an elective procedure that basically promises to improve the appearance of your hands. Social media has surely played a big part in this: you’ve probably seen at least one engagement ring picture on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram in the last few years, and some women want their hands to look better in these photos. Better as in…younger, I guess? More full? Less vein-y?
Of course there’s nothing wrong with wanting to post a picture of an engagement ring and hoping everything will look nice. Getting engaged is a big deal! A lot of people enjoy looking at these pictures and congratulating the bride-to-be! But honestly, who is paying attention to the state of your hands? It’s flesh, bone and blood vessels. Everybody knows that. And although my opinion matters very little to anybody who thinks hand-lifts are a good idea, I hope people will consider this matter with some perspective before investing in the procedure.
For more thoughts and information on the topic, check out this article at Bustle.
I wasn’t surprised when my gal-pal told me her date with The Writer was textbook romance, breathtakingly lust-filled. He took her to all the best spots in LA. Wined and dined her. He kissed her in the rain, for goodness sake.
And then three or so days later, The Writer was struck with a brilliant idea that required him composing a short novel, disguised as a Facebook message, wherein I think he invited my gal-pal to visit him somewhere in Europe. He also said a bunch of other stuff. This was one of my favorite chunks:
“I really enjoyed my time with you. It was a small sample size, but I feel rather confident in saying that you’re unique. I’m normally a philanderer (*this is a fancy word for “womanizer”), and don’t put much care into the long term pursuit of a woman. There are two reasons for this. A) great men in history and fiction tend to be free and independent. B) American women tend to bore the very core of my soul. [...] I can’t even be bothered to chase my liquor. So I can’t very well be bothered to chase women. So I’m not asking you to come. I’m telling you.”
12 lengthy paragraphs filled with a bunch of other stuff just like that. Misogyny, wrapped in pretension, all intended to make the lady swoon. How lucky was she to have caught his eye.
As someone who entered young adulthood during the Sex and the City era, I’m not ashamed to admit that I love the show. Everytime it’s on, I watch it. It doesn’t matter that I already know every plotline, piece of dialogue and outfit the characters will be wearing in each episode – I am still genuinely entertained. And rightly so, since the show has been cited as a significant step forward for feminism in pop culture. A friend of mine even took a class dedicated to the cultural significance at UC Berkeley – it clearly made an impact on society.
During the show’s six season and two movie run, a variety of female issues were explored through the eyes of four very different, often caricaturized single ladies. We became more than acquainted with shoe hoarding writer Carrie, tell-it-like-it-is lawyer Miranda, sexually promiscuous PR mogul Samantha and traditional aspiring-wife Charlotte. It’s safe to say that most of us millennial females have heard it, asked it or thought it at least once: Which SATC character am I? But to my shock and disgust, most would like to be identified as “a Carrie.”
As single people get older, sometimes our choices about who we will or won’t date are questioned. We’re told to keep dealbreakers to a minimum and to be open-minded and realistic, and that’s all fine, but what if you have good reasons for the choices you make? Alana over at xoJane tells us exactly why she doesn’t want to date much older men (unless it’s George Clooney).
I recently posted about dating burnout, which I’m sure is a real thing for those of you who are going on dates, managing social calendars and checking OkCupid profiles. But I haven’t been doing any of those things lately, which I’m pretty sure has led me to a different kind of burnout.
Basically I’m tired of having a positive attitude about my love life. (Fair warning: It’s about to get real melodramatic up in here.)
A new PUA (“pick-up artist”) technique for hitting on women suggests that you “accidentally” but on purpose graze a girl’s boob. Found on the polarizing “seduction” section of Reddit, one user posted this tip as “gold.” It’s actually an old tip, but it’s new to me. Here’s the plan, transcribed and edited for length:
This is a very important method of kino [to touched or be touched] that has never been mentioned…it’s “the boob touch.”
You need to be holding a drink in order for this to work. When you’re talking to a girl and standing close to her, you lean in and talk into her ear, while your hand that’s holding the drink makes contact with her boob. Leave it there; you’ll be surprised by how many girls let you keep it there and they may actually push up against it. Remember, this is the back of your hand touching her, so it seems totally unintentional. If she backs away, you can immediately realize that she’s gonna take some effort, so if you want you can “Next” her without suffering any humiliation whatsoever.
… Add this little “magic trick” to your arsenal, DJs, and you will be pleasantly surprised.
Apparently “this little magic trick” upset a few people, the few who pointed out that it was creepy were accused of, “white knighting more than usual.” Really sad that by saying, “hey, it’s gross to touch a woman’s boobs without asking” one gets insulted.
There are so many things problematic with this “method” without even reading the comments that support it, like “this is a surprisingly effective move” and “Fuck the negative comments…This type of kino isn’t bad especially when girls on the dance floor are grinding the shit out of your junk with their ass” I’ll just list them.
The beauty of knowing what you want? Being able to say it directly.
My life has been a series of misunderstandings about how old I am. I’m often asked what my major will be when I go to college. On my first day as a substitute teacher, I heard several eighth-graders whisper, “That’s the sub? I thought she was a new student…” And due to my petite frame and serious case of what can most accurately be described as “anti-cleavage,” I’m sure I have a few more years of being referred to as “young lady” by both middle-aged and elderly strangers.
The real kicker, though, is that instead of being approached by guys my age, I’ve gotten double takes from teenagers. It’s frustrating—not to mention completely embarrassing. I suppose in one sense it’s a good thing that twenty- and thirty-year olds aren’t constantly hitting on me, because it demonstrates that they know it’s not okay to approach teenage girls. But because I’m not actually a teenager and just look like one, it’s maddening.
datingandhookup.com is a website that explores modern romance in the Millennial era – which, let’s be honest, looks nothing like we were taught to expect. We feature essays, advice and social commentary with humor, compassion and brains, and we vow never, ever to publish a piece called “The 10 Best Ways to Satisfy Your Man in Bed”. Do click to submit your work to us. We love you.
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