At first glance, no television show seems to understand and embrace the post-dating world LESS than The Bachelor and its sister show The Bachelorette, which began its sixth season with new Bachelorette Ali Fedotowsky on Monday.
…to inform you that Jess and Becky are going to the Sex and the City 2 premiere in NYC tonight!
18 days ago, I decided to declare May “Jess, Stop Pretending You’re A Baller and Taking Cabs Everywhere” Month.
Growing up in the outskirts of NYC, I always swore to myself that I would never become one of those frivolous city dwellers who took cabs everywhere. Why waste so much money on taxis when you have access to one of the best subway systems in the world?! But then I moved to the city, and suddenly I was “hopping a cab” here, there and everywhere. Oh no, I’m running late! Hop a cab. These heels hurt! Hop a cab. It’s 2:00 am – I’ll get kidnapped if I walk those three blocks at this hour! Hop a cab. And my wallet suffered as a result.
So for the past few weeks, I’ve spent a lot of time on the subway. And lo and behold, it turns out that there are quite a few cute guys on the L train! As romantic optimists, Becky and I like to say that a romantic connection can happen anytime, anywhere. Including public transportation. Who knows…your soulmate could be sitting on the other side of that adorable Midwestern couple with the pull-out map…
For those of you who don’t read the comments here (and I’d seriously recommend it – this site is an open forum, first and foremost!), I wanted to point out an interesting exchange that’s been taking place alongside our “dah Guys: The Unavailable Guy and The Guy Who Just Blew You Off” post.
Awesome reader dizzle brings up a great question – what about The Emotionally Available Guy? Why isn’t he in your dah?
Check out the back-and-forth below to see what Becky and I think. Our answer should also clarify some of the finer points of Dating & Hookup – namely, how guys end up in one category or another, and how you can take control over how you see and treat them accordingly. And, of course, I offer some advice on how to deal with emotionally unavailable guys. Just trying to be constructive and helpful, wherever possible!
You all should know that Becky and I read each and every comment on the site. So please – keep the convo going…
We’ve spent a lot of time on this site talking about romantic confusion and ambiguity – and wondering why an optimistic and empowered generation like ours can have love lives that are so fucked up. I’m all for figuring this out. I think imposing order on the chaos and talking about the post-dating world really helps us understand what’s going on. And when I look at my dah, I can see how my relationships with these guys (and these guys, and these guys and these guys…ok, fine, I have a Guy Who Just Blew Me Off – or 7) fulfill different parts of myself and help me to realize and understand my own complexity.
My question comes from the very early stages of potential romance. This has come up a few times when I’ve been hanging out with girls in the non-dating stage, but when there may be some interest…
Why would a girl tell me about other guys who ended up having some unrequited feelings for her? Why bring up guys whose advances she shut down, or who kept fruitlessly pursuing her? Or laid it on the line in some way, past the point when she thinks her lack of interest should’ve been clear to them?
What does it mean? Am I reading too much into it? Do women just think this makes a good story? Or, is it a warning against making an awkward move? Or could it be some kind of invitation, a subtle reminder that she’s single (but with high standards!)?
I’ve usually responded by thinking to myself, “Well, I don’t want to be a story foryou with the next dude you hang out with, so…” And then I try to move on. But would love the female perspective.
I’m Cooler Than Those Other Guys, Right??
The media’s abuzz celebrating the 50th anniversary of the invention of the Birth Control Pill (which amazingly enough fell on Mother’s Day this year).
Yes. Duh. The Pill was revolutionary. As reported by Harry Smith on the CBS Early Show, “In the 1950s, women made up about a third of the workforce. Today, women hold nearly half of all U.S. jobs. In the 1950s, American women, on average, had 3.8 children. Today that number has dropped to 2.1.” Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards is quoted saying: “The invention of the birth control pill revolutionized life for women in America. It’s completely changed women’s options.”
The Pill’s essential contribution – and controversy – is the assertion that women should be able to explore their unfettered sexuality, should be able to decide when and if to have children, should NOT be hindered in work, love or life by the sometimes inconvenient fact of having ovaries. I’ll raise a glass of champagne and down a Tri-Norinyl to that idea!
As an over-empowered Millennial, I’m glad to be celebrating this important anniversary, but I’m also amused by the sense of gravitas imbuing these events. Today’s young women are literally offered up a smorgasboard of hormonal contraceptive options – pills, rings, patches, the morning after pill, instead of OR in addition to good old barrier methods. There’s so much choice and variety! Consequently, we take birth control for granted. We’re even being pitched pills like Yaz on the grounds that it’s BEYOND birth control. We’re so over plain vanilla; if I’m going to take a pill, I might as well get glowing skin in the bargain. Arguably, The Pill has succeeded beyond anyone’s wildest expectations. Birth control is now beside the point.
Not sure what’s going on with our readers in other parts of the country (I was in LA this week and it was freezing. Thanks guys.) But in New York it’s (finally!) a heavenly, gorgeous, warm, delightful day. There’s nothing like a little sunshine to make a girl crave romance, passion, and a long walk (or volleyball!) on the beach. Oh, and love poetry by The Bard himself.
1. a gradual sinking to a lower level
2. something that 20-somethings swear we’ll never do
Let’s talk about what it means to be part of the Millennial Generation for a moment. In spite of recessions, volcanoes and the media’s incessant urge to shove Lindsay Lohans and Kate Gosselins down our throats, we are optimistic. We are confident and empowered. We count on always being the exception, and never the rule, and on eventually getting everything that we want out of life (and more!). This stubborn belief that we deserve the best may seem naïve and entitled, but it’s the truth nonetheless.And hey, at least we’re willing to work our asses off for it.
Given all this, it should be obvious that we have no intention of setting – whether it’s in love, career, or what cool bar we want to hit up on Friday night.
Finally, at long last…we’ve got our first Ask Jesscolumn up! Keep sending in your questions to , with “Ask Jess” in the subject line, and I’ll get to as many of them as possible.
I’ve been hanging out with this guy – a mutual friend introduced us because we work in the same industry and I was looking to switch jobs, so she thought that he might be able to help me out. We immediately hit it off, and after a few coffees and happy hours, we started making out on a regular basis. He’s really great and has never seemed like a game player. I have high hopes for where this could go.
BUT, something weird is happening. We hung out four times last week, which is way more often than before. And then for three days, he didn’t respond to any of my emails or texts! Nothing! He finally replied to one of my emails a few minutes ago with a short, cute joke, but he didn’t ask me to hang out…
How should I respond? Can I be the one to suggest that we hang out? You know, female empowerment and all that? He’s being strange, but I have trouble believing that he’s suddenly blowing me off or isn’t into me anymore. We were having so much fun!
Trying Really Hard Not To Be That Stalker Girl
Love is not all: It is not meat nor drink
Nor slumber nor a roof against the rain,
Nor yet a floating spar to men that sink
and rise and sink and rise and sink again.
Love cannot fill the thickened lung with breath
Nor clean the blood, nor set the fractured bone;
Yet many a man is making friends with death
even as I speak, for lack of love alone.
It well may be that in a difficult hour;
pinned down by need and moaning for release
or nagged by want past resolution’s power,
I might be driven to sell your love for peace,
Or trade the memory of this night for food.
It may well be. I do not think I would.
–Edna St. Vincent Millay
Hipsters are nothing, if not emotionally tortured and tech-savvy. So how appropriate that one of our favorite blogs (and future books), Stuff Hipsters Hate, pointed us to the following Craigslist posting via their hysterical and always-on-point Twitter feed:
GROW SOME – w4m (Williamsburg)
Date: 2010-04-15, 10:17PM EDT
Grow some balls and tell me that you don’t want to see me anymore. Coward.
datingandhookup.com is a website that explores modern romance in the Millennial era – which, let’s be honest, looks nothing like we were taught to expect. We feature essays, advice and social commentary with humor, compassion and brains, and we vow never, ever to publish a piece called “The 10 Best Ways to Satisfy Your Man in Bed”. Do click to submit your work to us. We love you.
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