It’s looming. Friday night. The pressure is on…to be SOCIAL. Ugh, the worst right? I’ve always said Friday nights were just awful. Feeling the weight of the whole week while you try to down two beers at midnight is insufferable, let alone trying to be adorable for strange men who may or may not talk to you.
I saw this video from NYC comedian Akilah and was immediately all like, YES. A hundred times yes.
Is this you too?
People often ask me about their relationships for my opinion. I’m not a licensed counselor or therapist, I’m just a girl with an honest opinion. And most of the time when people ask me about their relationships, they use the word “should”. “Should I ask him to do ____?” “Should he be more ____?” “Should we do _____?” Or a shouldn’t like, “Shouldn’t we have _____ already?”
I’m here to tell you that there is no “should” (or “shouldn’t”) in relationships. You need to take “should” and “shouldn’t” out of your relationship vocabulary.
All those words do is set you up for comparison, and no two relationships are the same. No two relationships are the same. Even if you’re the same person, you’re not going to have the same exact relationship with Billy that you had with Scooter.
Here are some “shoulds” or “shouldn’ts” you need to push out of your brain.
First dates can be nerve-wracking, so it would make sense to get to know your potential new love interest pretty well before meeting up, right? Apparently not. According to relationship experts, too much pre-date texting can lead to disappointment if you and your date’s in-person chemistry doesn’t match the expectations you’ve built up from your text exchanges. So how seriously should you take this information? Is there really such thing as knowing too much beforehand? Check out this article from The Date Report to find out.
I’ve lived in LA my whole life and haven’t experienced this until now. Across the street, I hear my neighbors arguing. Loudly. This was a BAD fight. The guy is screaming, “STAY OUT OF MY AFFAIRS. Oh, you’re gonna go to your mother and now I’m the bad guy!” I was getting concerned and then suddenly it stopped, and I heard applause and laughing. And I realized, Oh my God, they were just rehearsing a scene. That is so effing LA and so effing sitcom, I can’t even believe it just happened. But it did.
And it made me think about couples fighting, and how they fight. You know how people say you have to “fight fair”? What does that really mean? Based on this poorly written Revenge-esque fake fight, I’ve come up with a guide on how to fight fair, for those times when it’s for real.
I feel like I cannot, in good conscience, ignore the fact that JP said some pretty ignorant, offensive, and downright bizarre stuff over the weekend. Two things:
1) I don’t think his opinion holds a lot of sway in American society.
2) I suppose I must respect his Sarah Palin-guaranteed first amendment right to say terrible things without any sort of consequences, as well as his first amendment right to blame being taken out of context. (Oh, context, how DARE YOU strike again!)
Here’s the deal, JP: You’ve really got no excuse for this kind of willful ignorance, being under 35 and living in a major metropolitan area. You’re not that old guy on that show, even though I would guess you have a shared revulsion of reading. Use your meeting with GLAAD for good, and I will recommend this pretty picture book as a starting point (you can also listen to it on CD if you don’t have time for the words).
(Kicking my soapbox back under the table to watch The Bachelor)
Newton figured out that for every action there is always an equal and opposite reaction. What a smart man he was. I rarely think about the negative consequences to my actions, though there have been many instances when something happens that I would have preferred not to happen.
Sexual promiscuity sometimes results in my least favorite human emotion: shame. Shame is that sickening sensation you get in the pit of your stomach that travels up to your heart and suddenly you feel like less of a person. It’s a horrible feeling that makes you want to hide in your bed forever and eat icecream. Shame can be coupled with guilt. Like the shame I felt waking up in the morning next to a man who was not my boyfriend with hickies on my neck. Or waking up next to a guy after a one night stand, only then remembering that one of my closest friends has the biggest crush on him and if she were to find out, she’d be crushed.
Shame can also come out of nowhere, as in the shame you feel when your skeletons decide to exit your closet and throw up all over your life. This is called “public” shaming. My first experience with this type of shame happened my freshmen year of high school. I was not the victim, but watching two of my very good friends go through it was awful.
I don’t doubt for a second that women are harder on ourselves than men. We’ll stare at our thighs and let out a stream of curse words that would make Joe Pesci say, “Whoa, chill out.” We’d stay stuff to ourselves guys would never even dream of saying to us. When men fail, they tend not to take it as personally as we do.
Let’s change that.
As someone going through what we call a “transitional period” (read: “I feel like a total fuck-up” period), I have some tips how how to not feel like a total failure, even though you may really, really want to.
I wasn’t surprised when my gal-pal told me her date with The Writer was textbook romance, breathtakingly lust-filled. He took her to all the best spots in LA. Wined and dined her. He kissed her in the rain, for goodness sake.
And then three or so days later, The Writer was struck with a brilliant idea that required him composing a short novel, disguised as a Facebook message, wherein I think he invited my gal-pal to visit him somewhere in Europe. He also said a bunch of other stuff. This was one of my favorite chunks:
“I really enjoyed my time with you. It was a small sample size, but I feel rather confident in saying that you’re unique. I’m normally a philanderer (*this is a fancy word for “womanizer”), and don’t put much care into the long term pursuit of a woman. There are two reasons for this. A) great men in history and fiction tend to be free and independent. B) American women tend to bore the very core of my soul. [...] I can’t even be bothered to chase my liquor. So I can’t very well be bothered to chase women. So I’m not asking you to come. I’m telling you.”
12 lengthy paragraphs filled with a bunch of other stuff just like that. Misogyny, wrapped in pretension, all intended to make the lady swoon. How lucky was she to have caught his eye.
They say when you want to get in shape, it’s best to find a workout buddy who can hold you accountable. And if that’s the case, who better to motivate you to reach your fitness goals than your romantic partner? This article at Psychology Today explains the many benefits of working out as a couple. Check it out and give it a try!
What if you ordered something really delicious and your date ordered something very average and you feel bad for them but at the same time you’re just full of disgust and annoyance, because why the hell would you order anything but melted cheese on top of something?
What if you were on a dinner date and suddenly someone came up to you and said, “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MICHAEL BUBLE!!!” and Michael Buble was behind you playing a piano and you were like, oh this is cool, and then you go to a bar after your date and then the same person comes up to you and says, “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MICHAEL BUBLE!!!” and Michael Buble was behind you playing a piano AGAIN? I think that would be too much. Am I wrong?
A note on spoilers: You don’t have to Google too hard (I won’t link to anything as it is just too tempting for the weak among us, and I am one of those weak people) to find some of the spoiler-related news that came out last week regarding this show. To which I say: You must go to your God with your need/want of this information and your willingness to enjoy my amazing, amazing recaps and the show itself. I am not saying I have looked at them (which is to say, of COURSE I have) but I will not reference any of them in my recaps because it ruins the fun (and since my brain is clogged with nonsense relating to Donna Martin, I don’t quite remember any of the spoilers anyway).
On with the show.
I consider myself an honest person. Open to all perspectives and frames of mind. Rarely am I shocked, offended, or bothered by the opinions of others. Opinions help you to gain knowledge and perspective and insight into things and people and that’s a good thing.
I received an opinion this weekend from a man that was quite different from what I’m used to hearing. He told me “Darling, I love who you are; I love everything you stand for and I wish you the best, but I think you just might be one size too big for me.”
datingandhookup.com is a website that explores modern romance in the Millennial era – which, let’s be honest, looks nothing like we were taught to expect. We feature essays, advice and social commentary with humor, compassion and brains, and we vow never, ever to publish a piece called “The 10 Best Ways to Satisfy Your Man in Bed”. Do click to submit your work to us. We love you.
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