I’m looking for casual sex. At least according to my OKCupid profile.
Also according to the profile, I am 5’4 (1.63 m), Gemini and it’s fun to think about, graduated from college/university, and Artistic / Musical / Writer. All those other attributes are true, so when it says I’m looking for casual sex, that also must be true. Right?
Surprisingly or not, that tiny little phrase way down at the bottom of my personalized profile full of descriptors, ruminations, quips and favorites has elicited the most notable comments and queries from men in my experience so far on OKCupid.
Here’s a smattering.
I see you’re looking for casual sex—well that’s the part I gravitated to anyway— and I must say after looking at your pictures that sounds pretty good to me. You will see on my profile that I’m looking for something long term, but don’t be put off…
Hey how are you? I’m just lounging around watching Monday Night football today and thinking about casual sex LOL…would like to step out on a limb and open my mind up to having casual sex with a stranger (something I’ve never done before).
I find it kind of curious why short term dating is missing in your profile. Of course that begs the question, what exactly IS short term dating anyway.
whats your number- we are going out. i am certain you will want to have my babies.
i want to have a totally amazing, erotic, orgasm filled rendezvous. interested?
hey u r there?
(ok I’m just assuming those last three dudes were prompted by the casual sex line!)
What was I thinking when I listed “casual sex” as one thing I was looking for? Was I asking for the sketchiness? Inquiring minds (apparently) want to know!!!!
an important question. ok, not really but I’m deathly curious. First, let me preface it by saying that Im NOT looking to hook up with you because I don’t really feel like trying to compete with all the other guys you probably get to choose from (although you do get points for listing Enders Game)…BUT…whats with the casual sex thing in the looking for section? isn’t that sort of thing just begging for a shit ton of spam and weirdos? And if a girl is looking to hook up with someone isn’t it easy enough to do in public, especially if they’re at least reasonably attractive? I’m not attacking you at all, I’m just really curious about the motivation.
This dude wasn’t propositioning me (or was he?) but of everything on my profile, he still felt the need to pinpoint those two tiny words. In any case, his message made me feel like an idiot. Especially given all the other sketchy messages I was getting. What WAS I thinking???
Well, for starters, I’d had the crazy notion that the online dating universe should reflect reality. When I sat down to create my account and fill in my profile (which I did in less than 10 minutes), I decided that I was going to respond to each section with what first came to my mind AND what felt most true to ME. I wasn’t going to finesse my profile for any person or any idea of what would attract the most attention. Even if it made me sound lame to admit I spend most Friday nights at home watching House, it was the sorry truth… I wanted my online dating profile to reflect who I really truly was.
I was really proud of my profile as I was writing it. I found it clarifying – and fun – to straight-up say whatever I wanted about myself and my passions and how I spent my time. So when I got down to the “I’m looking for…” section, I didn’t think twice. In my real life, I love meeting fascinating people. So I’m always looking for new friends. I also cherish true connection and strive to create meaningful bonds with people I love. Of course I’m looking for “long-term dating” ie – love, if I should be lucky enough to find it with a life partner. But relationships take work and time and must be built with someone who is truly worth the investment. So in the meantime – before I find that worthy guy? Well. When it feels right, I just might enjoy some casual sex with a Hot Sex Prospect in my dah.
I checked off the “casual sex” box because sex is a wonderful part of my life. In our post-modern, post-dating world, sex can be Casual. Fun. Not fraught. Respectful. Clear. Indulgent. Mutually satisfying. Unlike the rest of our f*cked up love lives, where ambiguity and confusion rule the day.
Makes sense to me. But maybe that’s…just me?
Maybe the problem is with semantics (as is so often the case these days). It’s not so much that “I’m looking for casual sex” as it is that “I’d be down for casual sex.” With the right guy. In the right setting. Given the right vibe and mutual expectations.
But that’s the whole point. In friendship, love and casual sex, the stars must align in just the right way so that you guys hang out and become besties…or you fall in love…or you find that you have great chemistry at 10:30pm and no pressing need to re-cap over brunch. We’re all subject to the whims of Fate in all areas of our lives. WTF?! (for example!) has band camp to thank for me and Jess, South Africa and the film industry to thank for Loren and a coffee shop in SoHo to thank for West.
So I could totally meet my latest, greatest HSP on OKCupid, just as I could meet my future husband. Or a Career Booster. Or any dah guy for that matter. Or a friend. Why should I have to play this coy, bullsh*t, faux-feminine game and not admit to any slight sexual possibility on my online dating profile? Why does my openness to casual sex have to feel like such a shocking revelation? Why do I have to write a whole blog post feeling defensive? What will my grandmother think when she reads this?!
In true Millennial fashion, my stubbornness has taken over. The more sketchy sexual propositions I receive ok OKCupid, the more I am determined to keep “casual sex” up there staring everyone in the face.
Some things are impossible to find even when you’re looking for them. We’re all better off seeing what we can make out of what already exists. God created the world out of a void, but since then, we humans can only work with what we’ve got. And thanks to Adam and Eve, “what we’ve got” includes unsanctified sex. When we choose. Let’s stop acting like the concept is so damn revolutionary!
Rebecca Coale - aka Becky - is a writer, musician and producer. She and childhood best friend Jessica Donalds created Dating & Hookup and founded J&R Creative Media. Becky blogs about love poetry and modern life & womanhood. She lives with her husband, Howard Coale, and their family in Manhattan and Philadelphia.
datingandhookup.com is a website that explores modern romance in the Millennial era – which, let’s be honest, looks nothing like we were taught to expect. We feature essays, advice and social commentary with humor, compassion and brains, and we vow never, ever to publish a piece called “The 10 Best Ways to Satisfy Your Man in Bed”. Do click to submit your work to us. We love you.
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