That’s it, I’m through with this nonsense. I’m quitting cold turkey. (I just deactivated all of my online dating profiles).

Why? Because my online dating future is going nowhere. In the 6(ish) months that I’ve been playing the online dating game, I have gone on one date. One. It was totally pleasant! But I slow-faded and didn’t call back because a) I’m a big fat chicken and b) I’m not as invested in finding my soulmate as I am in watching Melrose Place on Netflix. Since then, I’ve scheduled six dates, and bailed on all of them because a) I’m exceptionally lazy and b) nine times out of ten, it’s not meant to be, and rejection/being rejected are things I like to avoid.

That said, I was getting (and sending) plenty of messages. I love messaging. It’s like AOL Instant Messenger, but without the abbrevs (Don’t get me wrong. I love abbrevs. Just not into people spelling “you” with a “u” or being called a “qt.”), the distraction of homework + Rollerboy 2, or the classic “G2G c u at skool tmrw!” → complete lack of attention on skool playground → zero making out behind lockers move.

But on AIM, you could just chat. Online, most people are actually trying to meet up and get a little laid. The pressure of having a steamy parked-car makeout is usually palpable by the end of the second date, at which point I usually totally crumble, because I remember that I’m with A TOTAL STRANGER WHO NONE OF MY FRIENDS HAVE EVEN VOUCHED FOR SO HE COULD BE A CRAZY SERIAL KILLER PATRICK BATEMAN-TYPE AND THIS COULD BE MY LAST DATE EVER AND I PROBABLY HAVEN’T EVEN HAD THE BEST SEX OF MY LIFE YET MEANING I AM DEFINITELY NOT READY TO DIE.

So, strangers, I give up on you. To all of those who chatted with me, thank you. It was lovely. To all of those who pressured me to “meet up” after a mere FIVE back-and-forth banter-chats, lo siento. I just want to chat. Reasons I just want to chat include, but are not limited to:

1. You don’t have to get off your couch/change out of pajamas to chat, as long as you have at least ONE picture of yourself NOT in pajamas to post on your profile. If you don’t: change out of your pajamas, go outside, snap a selfie, and get back to your computer ASAP. See? That was so easy.

2. If you’re feeling shy, you can hit the passive “I like you” / “I’m interested” button and wait for people to approach YOU, thus diminishing the pain of real rejection. If you indicate you are “interested” in enough people, you won’t even remember the ones who don’t respond. And you’ll surely find at least one troll (link to old OKCupid article) who wants to go to Bonetown enough to entertain you with 2-4 messages worth of banter before moving on to the next on on to the next. #selfpreservation. It’s a way of life.

3. Getting stood up hurts way less. Who cares if the 6’3” Brazilian gambler with an “Athletic” body type and an interest in “Travel” doesn’t respond to your message? You have an inbox full of those!

4. You can automatically filter out people with bad grammar/spelling.

5. You can ask supes awk queshes and don’t have to sit through any real-life awk silences afterwards. Also, you will never experience any “Oops! Just popped a tit reaching for my purse because I chose the wrong outfit for offering to go splitsies on burritos” moments which, speaking from personal experience, are not that chill.

6. You can take your time responding. No dramatic lashing out or throwing pasta in potential soulmates’ faces mid-meal, no accidental insults followed by “sorry that came out so wrong,” and no spitting water at your date when he/she makes you laugh too hard. Not to mention, emails are modern day love letters. Sign up for Gmail, guys. This is the future.

7. You never have to meet the parents / weird estranged relatives who only come into town for funerals and weddings.

So I guess what I’m wondering is, does anyone want to date me just online? I promise that, at some point, once I feel close to you, we can move past the OKCupid/HowAboutWe/Match.com phase toward a more emotional, empathic Gchat/Facebook Chat connection. If so, please provide one fun fact, A/S/L, and your preferred online dating website in the comments, and I will re-join immediately, because you might just be my soulmate.