In my life, I’ve had a lot of boyfriends. Not real boyfriends, though. Real boyfriends have flaws. They can let you down. When I say boyfriends, I mean “totally fictional dudes on TV shows or boy band members that I stanned for over a prolonged period of time and so now whenever I see pictures of them online, I feel like they’re my ex-boyfriends.” Men I’ve shared hefty emotions with, but never actually met, and have since parted ways with, amicably and mutually (or one-sidedly and creepily). While the men may not be real, my emotions for them were. Take a walk with me down the totally normal memory lane of my imaginary boyfriends.
Backstreet Boys era Brian Littrell
Brian Littrell was probably my first boyfriend. Something about him just moved my 10-year-old soul. I felt like we really connected, especially when he sang. That was before the days of YouTube so I couldn’t sit there and watch him jump around with the other Backstreet Boys, I just had to like, stare at his motionless face on a page. (NOT CREEPY AT ALL.) Our love was a quieter love, one that played out on the pages of J-14 and YM magazines. One wall in my room was literally covered in Brian pictures and posters. COVERED. I dreamed about him. (Actually, one day I was riding in the car with my mom and daydreamed an entire makeout sesh with Brian, but then I quickly ended it because I was afraid my mom could read my mind, like literally read my mind, and I’d get in trouble. TWEENS!) Then one day he branched out and started doing Christian rock CDs and I was like, “I can totally support him through this!” But turns out I couldn’t support him through that. Because they were terrible. So the Brian wall is no more, but THE MEMORIES ARE FOREVER.
Troy Bolton era Zac Efron
Do you remember where you were when High School Musical came out? Because I sure do. I was screaming and kept excitedly asking my sister if she was seeing what I was seeing. It was so delightfully terrible! All the singing! All the dancing! Zefron’s stupid mop of hair! When HSM came out, I was old. Like, too old to be watching it. But has that ever stopped me before? HELL NO! I watched it 100 times and then I told my friends they all had to watch it because it was hilarious and then we watched it together 100 more times. Once HSM3 rolled around, I was totally and unironically into Zefron. He looked REALLY GOOD for a period of like, 3 minutes. For the past couple of days I’ve been watching “Scream” from HSM3 on YouTube and it. is. so. good. He dances so hard. He does like, a sexy rope dance at the end, and he doesn’t even smile. He is dead serious, guys. But all good things come to an end, and HSM The Franchise is like dust in the wind now. He broke up with V Hudge, did some terrible (yes, more terrible than HSM) movies, and now he looks like a big moon head on top of a square body. He’s like the famous version of that cute jock in high school who then went to college and got bloat face. RIP, ZEFRON’S CUTENESS.
Ben Covington era Scott Speedman
Scott Speedman is still a little raw for me, guys. I watched Felicity for the first time a couple years ago when it came on Netflix and I think I actually, for real, fell in love with Scott. When the show ended, my heart felt empty. LIKE I HAD LOST MY BEST FRIEND. I was adrift in the universe, nothing to hold me down. NOTHING MADE SENSE ANYMORE. I mean, did you ever watch Felicity? You know what I mean, then. He’s so broody. And sensitive. And hot. And has amazing hair. And he says “anything” like “ennuhthing” and they even make a joke about it on the show and oh god. I just wish I could go back in time and fall in love with him all over again. To this day the show’s intro credits make me feel incredibly nostalgic, like that late ’90s theme music makes me feel more deeply than any heartfelt love song. (I AM WATCHING THE CREDITS NOW AND CRYING A LITTLE, IS THIS NORMAL?) Like, I don’t think I’m being hyperbolic when I say that I feel like Scott Speedman is The One Who Got Away. Felicity creepily followed Scott Speedman’s character, Ben, to college from high school, where she didn’t know him, and to this day I nod sagely and am just like, “I understand you, girl. This makes sense.”
Pacey Witter era Joshua Jackson
Dawson’s Creek’s Pacey Witter is the greatest character ever to be put on television and sometimes I forget he’s not actually real. Sometimes I think back fondly on certain memories and then I realize they are just Pacey centered Dawson’s Creek episodes and not memories at all. He should be real. It’s kind of cruel that he’s not real, actually. Why is no one as amazing as a fictional TV character? REMEMBER HOW HE LOVED BOATS? AND HE WAS ALWAYS TOUCHING JOEY? HE WAS SO GOOD AT TOUCHING. I think I’ve written at least 10 blog posts on Pacey and they’re basically all the same but I love him. I miss him. Whenever I see pictures of him with Diane Kruger, I can’t help but get salty towards her because in my brain, I feel like she stole the greatest boyfriend I ever had. And that’s probably not healthy at all? But seriously. His stupid Caesar haircut won my heart. I would tenderly brush that hair for him for the rest of my life.
All of One Direction
I literally can’t stop watching YouTube videos of Harry Styles and all the other infants in One Direction. Go ahead, scoff at me. Because I am Really Old. But every other Old Person I’ve shown videos of One Direction to also see how adorable they are. Someone once described them as a basket of puppies and now that’s all I see whenever I watch videos of them. Just adorable, tiny, puppymen leaping all over one another, having the times of their lives. I kind of hope their “band” lasts until their mid-20s because like, what will they do then? Will “adorable” still be their schtick? How will they make music videos if they can’t roll around in giant plastic balls, squirting water guns at each other? It won’t be as precious to watch a bunch of mostly-grown men jump on top of each other. (OR WILL IT?) They’re like the tiny freshman you accidentally crushed on when you were a senior in college. You know they’re useless and pointless and probably dumb and will grow up to be not as cute, but they sure are fun for the time being. What more can a girl ask for?
Katie is a 25-year-old blogger who lives in Philadelphia, PA. In her free time you can usually find her sobbing over mid-'90s teenage dramas or writing for Winebibber.wordpress.com. Add her on Twitter @KTGL.
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