Okay, so the episode opens on Ken driving a car of wasted dudes around and they’re like, “LOL, we’re having the best time!” And then they cover Ken’s eyes with their hands and the car crashes. Way to go, everyone.
At SCDP/whatever else it is now, we find out that Chevy has asked for like, a zillion pitches and keeps asking them to redo them. Ken comes in and has a cute lil cane because of the car crash. He’s like, “Chevy is ridic. They don’t like me, and then they crashed my car.” Don is like, “I’m going to be outraged about this!” and talks about how Chevy can’t keep making them work like this, and how Ken’s job is making people like things so he better get on it. The one dude at the office is like, “I’m gonna bring in my doctor and get everybody fixed up.” They decide to work through the weekend for Chevy.
Don gets a phone call from Dr. Arnold and he’s like, “OH SHIT!” when he goes to pick it up, but turns out it’s just Sylvia. She’s like, “That’s how that would feel!” She tells Don she’s been getting super close to telling her husband about them, because apparently Don has been creeping around in their hallway, smoking cigarettes. C’mon, Don. Get it together. Why do you have to be such a weirdo? Why can’t you just be handsome? She ends up hanging up on him after telling him to just cool his jets.
Don is full of sensible decisions, so he smashes his entire bar to the ground and then starts wildly coughing for some reason? He like, dramatically tells Dawn he’s fine, and then he’s like, “I’m going to take a nap.” We flashback to Don having the same cough when he lived in that brothel. He sure was a dopey looking kid.
We find out Ted’s partner dude died from cancer, so Ted is going to the funeral. Everyone is really sad, but then that one guy is like, “My doctor is here, go get some shots, everyone!” The doctor says that the shots are a special blend of vitamins, but we all know they’re just speed. Stan takes one and is like, “I don’t think it worked,” but then he’s literally sprinting through the office. Don decides to get a butt shot too, and then when he leaves the office to go downstairs, he starts tripping balls. He stares at Peggy touching Ted’s arm in his office for awhile, and then has a conversation with Ted’s secretary. EVERYTHING IS REALLY LOUD.
Don is in like, speed-time tailspin, and Ken comes over and is like, “WATCH ME DANCE, IT’S MY JOB, MY FOOT FEELS GREAT!” And Don is like, “That is the best thing I’ve ever seen!!!”
I actually drank two Red Bulls as I was watching this, so it’s like sort of the same.
They’re all trying to think of more ideas for Chevy, and people are literally sprinting around the office. Peggy is totally not on board with the whole thing. A hippie girl is now in the offices for some reason, being a weirdo. She ends up in Don’s office and he’s all tripped out, like “how did you get in here,” and she’s like, “you told me you were getting ice.” Then she listens to his heart with a stethoscope and she’s like, “I think it’s broken,” and poor sweet baby Don is like, “You can hear that?” But she just meant the stethoscope. NOT YOUR HEART, DON. After that Don kicks her out of his office and is like I have important speed work to do.
Don goes to his apartment building and starts tapping at Sylvia’s door. She never answers. He passes out on Sylvia’s door because he’s a creepy weirdo forever.
Back at the office, Peggy is drunk, everyone else is on speed. They all start throwing shit at a paper apple taped above Stan’s head, and then he gets a pencil in his arm and starts bleeding. Peggy takes him into his office to clean up the blood (like, what is this episode?). OMG WAIT. STAN IS KISSING PEGGY. I AM INTO THIS. He is kind of touching her waist a little, IT IS PRETTY CUTE. I WANT THEM TO GET TOGETHER! Peggy stops him, though, because she’s like, “I have a boyfriend.” Stan then tells her she has a nice butt and she says thank you. So polite.
Don and Megan are like, too busy to watch the kids ever, so they just leave Sally in the apartment to watch the other kids. Sally wakes up all alone at night and there’s an African-American woman going through their cupboards, so Sally is like, “Yo?” And the woman is like, “I’m your daddy’s mom! I took care of him!” And Sally is like that literally can’t be possible. But this woman semi-convinces Sally that she’s legit, and Sally realizes she knows nothing about her dad anyway so she’s like, “Eh, for all I know this is the truth.” (I thought Sally was dreaming the woman at first because she was the most pleasant burglar ever.) Bobby ends up telling her where Don keeps his watches, and when the woman is in his room, Sally calls the police. THIS IS SUCH A WEIRD EPISODE? The woman catches Sally on the phone and is like, “You shouldn’t have done that,” but then she just leaves.
Don thinks long and hard about that time a prostitute nursed him back to health in his brothel home, and then also gave him a boner. Neat. After he pops back to the present, Don is like, “Woohoo, I’ve got it! The answer to all our Chevy problems! Call everyone into my office!” But luckily only Peggy and Ginsberg come in because I think he’s lost his marbles finally. He’s so sweaty. He also kept looking at like, an oatmeal ad for the past 3 days because the woman in it sort of looks like the prostitute that gave him a boner. Peggy thinks he has a Chevy pitch but he keeps saying “her” and Peggy realizes that he’s locked himself in his office for 3 days and hasn’t done shit and is talking about nothing. He’s actually just been planning how he’ll get stupid Sylvia back, and is like, “DON’T SHUT THE DOOR, SYLVIA.” Peggy walks out of his office to see Stan having sex with that hippie girl and she’s like, “I’M GOING HOME!!!!”
I would too, sister, because everyone has lost their minds in this episode.
Don goes home and he’s like, fucking amped on life and so ready to get Sylvia back, but as soon as he gets into his apartment, Megan and Betty and everyone are there and Betty’s like, “Your house was literally robbed with all your children inside, you are the absolute worst.” And then Don passes out on the carpet because he’s been on a speed bender for 4 days.
After Don wakes up, he mopes in bed for a while and Megan tells him he shouldn’t work as hard or something, IDK. I would be so over Don’s shit at this point. I don’t know why sweet Megan even bothers. Don is probably thinking about how Sylvia is dead to him or something.
Oh, yep. Don is in the elevator the next day and when Sylvia comes in he is The Ice Queen to her. Yeah, way to go Don. You’re really keepin’ it cool. Once Don gets to the office he calls Sally to tell her it’s not her fault that the house got robbed (duh) and that he was the one who left the back door open. She’s like, K. Ted comes back from his BFF’s funeral and is like WTF WENT ON HERE THIS WEEKEND?! Don tells him to call him in 1970, when Chevy is ready to make an ad. Ted is like, WTF. And then Don storms out and he’s like, “Whenever we get a car, this place turns into a whorehouse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” And then he slams his door because he’s an adult.
Katie is a 25-year-old blogger who lives in Philadelphia, PA. In her free time you can usually find her sobbing over mid-'90s teenage dramas or writing for Winebibber.wordpress.com. Add her on Twitter @KTGL.
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