Good news friends, are you in the market for a new neurosis? Here’s how to have the perfect vagina.
1. Revoke all traditional insecurities dating back to adolescence, breast size, braces, french kissing technique, bad breath, gag reflexes, virginity. Accept that these are out of date.
2. Watch porn with your insensitive or perhaps slightly misogynistic significant other. Allow him the opportunity to verbalize your thoughts exactly: “Yours doesn’t look like that.”
3. Let it occur to you that if only your vagina was prettier, then you could relax during sex.
4. Know that fake breasts are passe. Delight in your judgement of women who inflate their chest with silicone, saline, etc. See their boyfriend’s True Religion jeans. Avert your eyes from the tackiness. Thank god you’re not those people!
5. Own that the word vagina is an ugly, gross word, and the actual thing is just as icky.
6. Google “ideal vagina” and find out what that is. Measure yours. Debate inside yourself.
7. Wax it, then realize that perhaps a little bit of hair will hide your flaws.
8. Decide labiaplasty is a the best decision. Other people are doing it. It’s the fastest growing plastic surgery in the UK. Really, its something you’re doing for yourself, like a gift.
9. In order to get the whole story, watch this amazing / scary documentary from the BBC called “The Perfect Vagina.” Be charmed by the smart, compassionate British documentary filmmaker who calls your ladyparts “bits,” yet remain unswayed. Rationalize that your case is different.
10. Feel the relief that comes from knowing that your vagina will soon be a delicate, lovely flower.
Alison Steedman is the editor at Dating & Hookup. She lives in Los Angeles with her boyfriend and their histrionic cat, Charles Dickens, where she still carries on a nostalgic and long-distance love affair with her 20's in Brooklyn, NY. You can follow her on Twitter and Instagram @yosteedman, and you can also send her your writing at [email protected], both of which make her very happy.
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