True story: When I had sex with (the guy with the) smallest penis I’d ever encountered, I orgasmed almost instantly during intercourse, and it was awesome.
Small-penis-guy is no longer in my life, but I had learned the fun way that size doesn’t matter, and that smaller can be better. So, I was not at all concerned when I ordered the iPad mini as soon as it was available.
You see, as I had already explained on this blog, my iPad is the perfect man. Ergo, this brand, spanking (heh), new iPad mini is going to be my perfect man…wrought down to mini-sized perfection. Hooray!
And so, I present the longstanding and now-more-true-than-ever reasons my iPad is the Perfect Man:
I’m in love! The deep, profound, stirring, giggly, excitable, crazy, starry-eyed kind of love. I wasn’t expecting to find it when I walked into the new Apple store on 67th & Broadway – I certainly wasn’t expecting to purchase it for $499 – but there it was. Love at first site. Love at first (i)Touch. It was a magical and revolutionary feeling.
But what is the true test of love? How do I know this won’t be some kind of fleeting romance? Jess & I have spent a lot of time puzzling this one out. And I can tell you: I know I’ve found The One because in the past week and a half I have given up my dah – and replaced it with my iPad. As we’ve often suspected, Jess, all Dating & Hookup guys combined do indeed add up to The Perfect, er, Man!
Introducing: My iPad dah of One.
The Ex-Boyfriend Who’s Still Around – aw, shucks, he knows me better than I know myself. From iPod to iPhone to iPad, he always knows what song to play next on my shuffle mix. He’s a genius, and I love him for it.
The Ego Booster - Compliments abound when I’m in his company – I can’t take this fellow on the subway, or send an email “from my iPad” without people telling me how cool I am.
The Career Booster – All my reading, all my books, my calendar, my email, my contacts, ALL my favorite restaurants. He’s the world’s greatest assistant / errand boy / all-knowing-industry-guru. And he’s got my back (and the internet!) in every meeting.
The Accessory – ’nuff said
The Boyfriend Prospect – He treats me with respect. Whatever my heart desires, he’s there for me. Fun games? Financial advice? The news? Movie tickets? He has an app for that (and so much more).
The Super Horny Guy Who Happens To Be Around A Lot – Let’s face it: there’s no better device for watching internet porn in bed.
Of course it’s not all wine and roses. He’s a complex dude. I’ve had to get to know his quirks and idiosyncrasies.
The Prospect You’re Not Sure Is A Prospect – He’s has this girly side. His name sounds like a feminine hygiene product. Is my iPad kind of gay? What does it mean when he occasionally takes a bit too long to load Safari?
The Guy Who Just Blew You Off – Magically enough, he started off as TGWJBYO. He made me work for it. I had to re-install the new iTunes at least 3 times before he kicked into gear. At first, I thought he was going to shut me out for good. But I gave him the time and space he needed, and our subsequent relationship has only proven that, with Emotionally Unavailable Guys, perseverance pays off. I’m SO thrilled we have our fairy tale happy ending!
(This piece first published in Spring 2010) (and oh gosh is 4G now a thing!)
(Photo is my own – follow me on Instagram – @rebecca_wiegand)
Rebecca Coale - aka Becky - is a writer, musician and producer. She and childhood best friend Jessica Donalds created Dating & Hookup and founded J&R Creative Media. Becky blogs about love poetry and modern life & womanhood. She lives with her husband, Howard Coale, and their family in Manhattan and Philadelphia.
datingandhookup.com is a website that explores modern romance in the Millennial era – which, let’s be honest, looks nothing like we were taught to expect. We feature essays, advice and social commentary with humor, compassion and brains, and we vow never, ever to publish a piece called “The 10 Best Ways to Satisfy Your Man in Bed”. Do click to submit your work to us. We love you.
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