Hey ladies, yeah, I’m talking to you. So listen up… we all know how to hide. We all know how to throw our hair back in a messy bun or a ponytail, throw on an oversized sweatshirt and baggy sweat pants and hope that the world doesn’t notice us. We all know how to be quiet and blend in, solely to get stuff done. But what many of us women don’t know is how to do the opposite: we don’t know how to shine.

You know those girls. Perhaps you knew her in high school, or college, or she works with you. You might even be her… The girl who lights up a room when she enters it. A girl who, no matter what she’s wearing or what she does to hide or blend in, never really does. Her presence is always felt and her aura is luminous. Why? Because she exudes confidence.

I thought for a really long time about what confidence is and where it comes from. The dictionary defines confidence, specifically self-confidence, as the “belief in oneself and one’s powers or abilities.” I think this definition says a lot. Confidence is not just the belief in your physical appearance or belief in your mental capabilities. It is the trust you have in yourself because you know where you excel. 

First and foremost, we all have confidence. What we are self-confident about varies from person to person as we each have a unique set of skills and knowledge, and we each have physical qualities in ourselves that we like. True, some of us like more about ourselves than others, but we all have it. Then what’s the problem? Not enough women have mastered the skill of exuding this confidence.

Sometimes days and weeks go by and I can tell I’m letting myself go. I put on a couple extra pounds, refrain from doing my hair in the morning, eat crap that I know isn’t good for me. Why? Well, when I thought about it, all the times I’ve let myself go, I was depressed. I was lacking confidence.

Then I started to realize that my confidence is my motivation for feeling beautiful, for talking to every person who crosses my path, for taking risks, and for letting go of the shitty things that happen to me from time to time. Confidence isn’t my goal, I already have that. Confidence is one of my most valuable tools for happiness and peace of mind.

I accepted the things about me that I could not control. I accepted that I would never be model skinny or famous-actress beautiful. I have an average face, an average body, big feet and a big head (literally, my skull is large). I don’t have a six pack, I have big thighs and cumbersome tits that don’t make sense. However, I have great hair, I’m tall, and my smile is out of this world. It’s easy to recognize that there are enough to love about myself to keep me from thinking about the things that I dislike about myself.

Now, all this philosophizing is good and all, but how does it translate to my everyday life? Have I always been this way? No way! I grew up going to private school where all the girls had money and perfect clothes and whose parents drove fancy cars. I lived on the other side of the tracks and my family did not have money. I was also an ugly kid. I was fat, had braces starting in the fourth grade, and my father, being the conservative South American that he was, did not allow me to cut my hair, ever. Hence, I was the weird girl with hair down to her ass who lugged a cello to school every day so on top of being ugly and fat with braces and stringy hair, I was also an orchestra geek which is the equivalent to, if not worse than, a band geek. Guh!

Those years were so grueling. The teasing, bullying, the whispers and snickers from the popular girls. I hated life. I hated life so much that I began to make some poor decisions about my body. I went through hell yet made it out relatively unscathed.

Confidence, for me, was a decision. I made the choice in eighth grade (coincidentally the same year I discovered my sluty side) to focus on the things that made me feel good about myself instead of the things that caused me to put my health at risk.

Somehow, somewhere down the line, I applied this little secret to my love life (the little secret of deciding to become confident). I was always well received as a child for being happy, well-mannered and intelligent. People were nice to me when I smiled a lot or gave them compliments or lent an ear when someone was down in the dumps. Why not try it with men? What I didn’t realize at the time was that I was developing charm and charisma. It’s easy! Here, try it:

 Step 1: When entering a crowded room, smile at the first person you make eye contact with. Just do it. 90% of the time you will receive a smile back. Whether it be from an old man, a kid, a cop, or a receptionist, learning to smile at people as you approach them is a vital skill to master. Then, when you do see a man you’re attracted to, you will be able to smile at him with ease. And really, when someone smiles at you sincerely there is no better feeling in the world. Also, everyone looks beautiful when they smile and most people look ugly when they frown. So hello, it just makes sense!

 Step 2: Master the art of conversation. If you’ve ever worked the retail or service industries you can skip this part. I recommend that every girl age 16 to 19 spend some time working in a shop or a restaurant. Learning to communicate with all sorts of people from all sorts of backgrounds, on top of trying to sell them goods and services, is a challenge. It doesn’t take long to get really good at reading people and chatting with them appropriately. This also gives one confidence in approaching a man, or at the very least engaging a man when he approaches you. You learn wit, and again, charisma. Throw a smile on while you’re chatting and boom… instant charm.

 Step 3: Look good dammit! I swear, It’s like gals don’t get that a little make up, a curling iron and a great fitting pair of jeans do a lot for your confidence! When I’m having a good hair day I’m unstoppable. When I’m wearing a new dress, I might as well be the hottest girl in the world. Look out Kate Moss, J-Lo and Rhianna, there’s a new diva in town! When I take the time and put forth the effort to look my personal best, I gain self-confidence exponentially.

So smile, talk, and look good. Create your own definition of perfect because when you do, perfect is achievable everyday. And one thing that really helped me with the whole finding guys thing was learning that no matter what I look like, I am someone’s type. There are men out there who consider me their dream girl and then there are guys who would not look twice at me. It’s simply preference and at some point you will realize that you are genuinely some man’s preference, and likely, many men’s preference.

In conclusion, I am sweet, I am smart and I am pretty. I smile, I can hold my own in conversation and I take pride in my physical appearance. This may sound so simple to many of you. Many of you gals might be thinking “she makes it sounds so easy.” The truth is, it is easy! It’s easy to choose to like yourself. It’s easy to accept that you are unique and no one in the world is like you, and therefore you are special and worthy of being desired, respected, adored, and loved. Don’t forget that I get laid all the time so I promise you ladies, it works. It works maybe too well.