Boys, boys, boys. You know I love you; most of the time you are my favorite thing! However, we need to talk about your online dating profile picture.
Itʼs not good.
In fact, I hate it. We hate it. But, letʼs try to fix this! Because I want to meet you for a drink and maybe make out with you afterwards.
Here are a few changes you can make so that I will find you interesting enough to swipe right.
I, for one, donʼt want to see you with your car. I mean, I do not care. I have a car too. Itʼs very cute, but I doubt you really need a picture of me standing awkwardly in front of it. So just delete that one. Oh, and while you are deleting that one, please go ahead and delete the selfie that you took of yourself in your car. When I see a selfie of a man in his car I can only think two things: 1. Gross a selfie. 2. KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD YOU IDIOT. Clearly you didnʼt sign the Oprahʼs Texting and Driving Pledge, like I did.
While we are at it, I would love it if you would stop taking selfies in your dirty bedroom and/or bathroom. It just makes me feel like you live at home and your mom hasnʼt been in to pick up your laundry this week. For instance, I will not take selfies in my apartment, because you donʼt need to see the alarming amount of laundry Iʼve accumulated. Letʼs save that for a little later in the relationship, a girl has to have an air of mystery about her.
I also donʼt care about your abs. I mean, I do but not enough to see them online, before I see your face online.
Another thing I donʼt want to see right off the bat is you and your hot non-girlfriend girlfriend. I donʼt care that itʼs platonic. I donʼt care that you “hooked up once.” I donʼt care that sheʼs your sister. Showing me a picture of you with some really attractive girl makes me think you arenʼt taking online dating seriously, or you are trying to tell me what kind of hot chicks you can get.
I promise you this, I have some really hot guy friends, but I donʼt really have a need to show them off on a dating website. This isnʼt a contest to see who knows hotter people. And, while we are on this type of picture, please delete the ones where it looks like you are in a club, unless of course thats your thing, then I am sure you will someday find your Snookie.
And, not to sound like a jerk, but I also donʼt want to see you with a baby. I have nieces and nephews too. I don’t need to parade them on my dating profile. You donʼt have to either! However, I realize that you may want to show me that you have a kid. If thatʼs the case I am still swiping to the right, because kids arenʼt for me, so maybe you should be on a different website.
Extreme sports, skydiving, rock climbing, runners, I GET IT. Professional head shots, NEED NOT APPLY.
Itʼs funny that men choose these pictures to woo women, when really Iʼm more likely to read your short “About Me” blurb and hope that it makes me smile. Then, if I can get through that, I will look at your pictures.
Online dating is still such an interesting concept to me. I donʼt really think itʼs for me. But I have many close friends who do it and three friends who have gotten married to someone they met online.
I see all of the bad pictures and swipe left. I see all of the good pictures and think that guy is just too cool for me and I swipe left. I would much rather troll someone in person at a bar than sit on my couch with my phone in my hand and make snap judgements. Unless I have chips, then yeah, Iʼll sit at home and judge you while I eat a bag of chips.
So boys, as a single lady who’s looking to date you, please pull your shirt down, step away from your car and put that baby down. Relax, be yourself, be honest, buy me a glass of red wine, make me laugh and we will get along just fine.
Rebecca Edwards is a writer and improviser. She has trained at The Improv Asylum, Second City Chicago, iO Chicago and The Nerdist. She loves dogs, drinks and napping. She is also probably in love with you. Follow her @BecsBecRebec.
datingandhookup.com is a website that explores modern romance in the Millennial era – which, let’s be honest, looks nothing like we were taught to expect. We feature essays, advice and social commentary with humor, compassion and brains, and we vow never, ever to publish a piece called “The 10 Best Ways to Satisfy Your Man in Bed”. Do click to submit your work to us. We love you.
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