I’m at that point in my 20′s where, even though I think it’s too soon to think about, I’m having to answer hypothetical questions like, “So, do you want to have kids?” or even worse, “When do you plan on having kids?”
I plan on having kids right around the time I plan on having tea with Michael Caine in a gumdrop palace on the moon. So, never. Never is when all of these things are planned.
But “I’m not having kids” is not a good response. Because when I say that, people take it as a challenge. Like I personally offended them or am asking them to convince me. “You’ll change your mind” or “You will” or, my favorite, “That’s what you think now, but you’re still so young.” Then why did you even ask me?
I don’t want kids and I have my reasons. Here they are. Note: none of them are, “Because I’m too selfish” because that isn’t a reason; it is in no way selfish to not want children.
10. Because this is how I would deal when my children misbehaved.
9. Because the one time I took a pregnancy test, even though I knew I wasn’t pregnant, but I made the mistake of watching that TV movie about Kirsten Dunst who didn’t think she was pregnant but she was, this is how I reacted when the test was negative.
8. Because being pregnant and giving birth is terrifying to me. Your body does things you can’t control. You may: piss yourself unexpectedly, lose your hair, bleed/and or produce discharge for possibly weeks after birth, experience swelling of your genital area, get hemorrhoids, develop dark bulging veins in your legs, and during birth you will probably shit yourself and tear your vagina so badly you need stitches.
7. Because I don’t want to become one of those people who talks about their kids all the time because even though you find your kids amazing, no one else is going to find the same joy in hearing that your son shared a cookie with your daughter. It’s like when I go on and on about some guy I met at a bar that my friends know I’m going forget about a week later.
6. Because I’m just beginning to build a career and I don’t want to ever put that on hold.
5. Because I’d rather be an aunt. My brother is going to be an awesome dad. I will be there to offer sterling advice and teach them super important things in life, because I am very wise.
(But really, in all sincerity, I would love to be an aunt.)
4. Because I like having the freedom to do whatever I want with my evenings and weekends (providing I don’t have to work).
3. Because in case you haven’t figured this out by now, I am not mature enough, and I am totally okay with that.
2. Because what little money I have, I like having it, and I’d like to have more of it.
1. Because I just don’t want them. If someone tells you this, accept it and move on. Not everyone wants the same things.
So there you go. People who want kids: go have them, love them to pieces, and never let them doubt it. People who don’t want kids: don’t have them and don’t ever apologize for it.
Photo of child by Wallace Kirkland for LIFE. Photo of woman on trampoline by J. R. Eyerman for LIFE.
Almie Rose is a writer from Los Angeles. She has a blog, Apocalypstick. In addition to Dating & Hookup she also writes for Hello Giggles, The Frisky, Thought Catalog, and Genlux Magazine. Her book, I Forgot To Be Famous, is out now. You can follow her on twitter @apocalypstick. Her favorite pastime is eating and drinking and sleeping and then eating again.
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