how to
There are lots of guides on the Internet about how to dump someone like a responsible adult. This is not one of them.
This is a guide on how to dump someone like a total jerk. Because sometimes, knowing what not to do can help you just as much as knowing what you should do. So if you want to be a jerk, do this. If you want to be a decent human being, do the exact opposite.
Just Disappear
Instead of actually going through the proper motions of dumping someone, throw all that out the window in favor of doing nothing at all — you know, ghosting. Don’t call, text, email, message, anything. Just pretend that they don’t exist, and have never existed, ever. It’s the jerk way. The jerk way is to completely avoid any kind of confrontation at all. As far as bad breakups go, this one is the worst.
Sometimes an apology is necessary. If you’re not exactly sure what to say, when to say it or even how, here’s a little refresher.
Apparently I was trying to dole out hard hitting advice about love, relationships, and dating…before I even had any experience with any of it. I found a journal of writing from seventh grade and uncovered a plethora of early essays and self reflection. For the most part it’s cringe worthy, but also somewhat endearing. One of my favorite finds is an attempted humor piece entitled, “The Do’s And Don’t When You Meet a Boy.” It should be noted that I was at an all-girls school at the time. I have transcribed it for your entertainment:
The Do’s And Don’ts When You Meet A Boy
12/15/97
Maybe I’m writing this because Pharrell’s “Happy” is stuck in my head, but I’ve been thinking a lot about happiness and relationships. I believe that if a relationship doesn’t add happiness to your life, it’s time to get out of that relationship. But sometimes, it’s not that we’re deeply unhappy; we just know we can do better. So for those times, here’s some tips on how to have a happy relationship.
Know how to communicate.
I think that communication is the most important thing in a relationship, and I know I’m not alone on that one, but what’s important is how you communicate. Good communication doesn’t mean never fighting ever. There are ways to fight fair. Good communication means never being surprised. So if you’re upset about something, you should absolutely bring it up to your partner, in a clear, calm, and concise way. And once you hash it out, it’s done. Don’t go back to it, and don’t bring it up again once you get closure. Otherwise you’re just, to quote David Bowie, “always crashing in the same car.” By all means, if something is bugging you, bring it up; then, put it to bed for good.
Yes, relationships can be hard work, but I think we forget that at the core of our relationships should be fun, otherwise, why else do it? It can’t be all complications and pathos. So here are some ways to have fun in a relationship, because it’s so important, and it’s easy to forget.
Try New Things
It could be that new restaurant you’ve always wanted to check out, or maybe your partner’s never been to Disneyland — if it’s new to either of you, give it a shot! Doing new things can be exciting and can make for many new adventures and memories. And don’t be afraid to get out of your comfort zone. Maybe you can try a class together — like cooking, or improv. Whatever it is, explore it together.
The lovely ladies here at Dating & Hookup asked me to participate in this blog roll about my writing process. And I said yes. So here are some questions about writing, along with my answers. I want you guys to answer them, too!
Some background: I’ve been blogging on my blog, Apocalypstick, since 2009. I also write for HelloGiggles, Dating & Hookup (obviously), Thought Catalog, XoJane, and We Love Dates. My work has also appeared on The Frisky, This Recording, and in Genlux magazine. I’ve been published in Indie Chick magazine and in the books The Jewish Daughter Diaries and my own book, I Forgot To Be Famous. I tend to write about dating/relationships, living in Los Angeles, and pop culture.
Okay, now that that’s out of the way, let’s get to the questions, shall we?
Jess & Becky here, harkening back with the title of this post to our original blog, WTF Is Up With My Love Life?! which spawned Dating & Hookup and led us to becoming writers.
We are psyched to be participating in a “blog roll” of authors contributing insights on the creative process. We were invited by our friend and author of chick lit with a brain, Maria Murnane, whose most recent book, Cassidy Lane was just published. And in a 21st century twist, you can friend the heroine, Waverly Bryson, of her Perfect on Paper book series on Facebook here.
So…how, what, when, where and why does writing work for us?
Sometimes in life, you have to reject someone. It’s awkward and it can suck, but it’s necessary. And it’s far better than just ignoring the person. We’ve all been that person who got ignored, and we’ve all wondered, “Why? What is it I did?” In most cases, I would prefer to know what happened.
So here’s how to reject someone, with minimal hurt feelings.
Packing for any vacation can be exhausting, but it gets even harder when you’re deciding what to take on your first trip with your new flame. But just like in relationships, when it comes to packing for a trip, it’s best to leave all extra baggage behind! To help you “pack for success,” here are the top 10 things to take with you whether you are hitting the wide-open road together, or jetting away to somewhere exotic!
1. Comfy Walking Shoes
Start your trip off on the right foot with a good pair of walking shoes. While you may want to look good in front of your new love interest, it’s important to bring a reliable pair of sneakers “so you can walk and explore together,” says author Carrie Knowles.
2. Picnic Provisions
What’s better than a romantic meal for two? A romantic picnic for two! “Bring a small backpack with a corkscrew and knife for an impromptu picnic,” suggests Knowles. This way you and your new suitor can enjoy some alone time in the great outdoors!
I figured it out — it’s possible to be friends with an ex. Sometimes it feels like you’ll never get there — there’s so much hurt and pain — but if you really want to, you can. Here’s how to be friends with an ex.
Give it time.
I was never one to bow to the “time heals all wounds” cliché because there are some wounds that time will never heal, but I found at least with my exes, time really did fix a lot. Sometimes you just need something to distance yourself from a situation, and that something is time. It’s great. Once everything settled down, once we both started our “new lives” and got into the swing of things (as they say), time did indeed heal the wounds.
This week, I discussed how to stay friends after the friends with benefits relationship ends. Now I’m focusing on how to keep the benefits, AKA, how to have a successful friends with benefits relationship.
First, as with any relationship, and you’re gonna hate me for saying this but, YOU GOTTA HAVE “THE TALK”. Both parties need to know exactly what’s up. It doesn’t have to be a long and serious talk; a general “Hey, so this is what I’m thinking, how about you?” sort of talk will work.
Then, you have to let your expectations align with what you discussed. Do not expect a relationship if it was made perfectly clear that this will not lead to that.
And that’s the hardest part about friends with benefits relationships and where they go awry: people tend to catch feelings, and rarely is it at the same time. Not many true FWB situations turn into a Barney and Robin relationship. (Really old How I Met Your Mother spoiler, sorry). Most of the time, the friendship and the FWB relationship is destroyed.
So in order to keep the benefits going, you have to know what to expect, and what not to expect. If you think you can handle this type of relationship, and you’re both consenting adults, go for it. If you think there’s even the slightest chance you’ll develop deeper feelings, this is not for you. Don’t lie to yourself.
Don’t make the mistake of referring to your friend with benefits as your boyfriend or girlfriend. You may say that because it’s easier to explain, but it’s very confusing.
You want to keep things light and fun. That’s what the relationship should be about: fun.
Photo: Nina Leen via LIFE photo archives hosted by Google.
So, you did it. You had sex (or some form of sex) with your friend. You’re bangin’ buddies, now. Friends with benefits. Special friends. That whole thing.
But for whatever reason, it’s over now. And you wanna stay friends with your friend. Can you do that? Is it possible?
Yes, you can, and yes, it is. I have some suggestions.