My life is just like a romantic comedy. I mean, my current relationship basically mirrors the plot line from When Harry Met Sally, except instead of Mike and I having been friends for years and worrying if sex would ruin our relationship, we were friends for about a year during which time he had a snobby girlfriend with permo bitch face and I pretty much waited in the wings until she dumped him for a college in NYC, at which time I jumped his bones and made him fall in love with me.
But seriously, Mike and I are so rom-comy! For instance, I’ve gained some weight since we met, he’s not making enough money and we’ve been fighting over the pros and cons of dog ownership, you know, normal relationship stuff. So last week we decided to spice things up with a good old fashioned, romance-oozing, poem-worthy, Lover’s Pact. The idea came to me in an almost magical way…
Blue Waffle Disease is NO JOKE, you guys. I once knew a girl, who dated a guy whose sister contracted this sexually transmitted disease (STD) and died. In case you didn’t know, Blue Waffle Disease has telltale symptoms of turning one’s vagina a blue tint, creating waffle-like growths and causing the vagina to discharge pus. All of this information comes from a very reputable news source called, uh, knowyourmeme.com.
Blue Waffle actually is a joke. The “disease” is a myth that has been circulating high school classrooms for a long time. Unfortunately for Kathy McBride, a councilwoman from New Jersey, some April Fools prankster decided to bring this urban legend to her attention and she ordered for an emergency meeting with the state’s health department. Embarrassing. While she has since realized that it was a prank, this should have been a great opportunity for her to bring attention to the fact that April happens to be National STD Education and Awareness month!
Instead of talking about blowjobs, I’ll be using this month to discuss some of the lesser-known STDs and how only you can prevent them. Even though there are no STDs that can turn one’s genitals blue, there is one that most people don’t know about, yet there are more cases of it than chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis combined. Whoa.
If you’ve played “Never Have I Ever” as a drinking game with a group of close friends, you’ve probably been exposed to some pretty intimate details of where your buddies have gotten it on in public. My friends have revealed places such as their neighbor’s pool, seedy bathrooms, the beach, put-put golf courses, Disneyland’s Pirates of the Caribbean ride… I think I have a group of exceptionally perverted pals, but at least they make for an excellent evening of TMI! But getting down in a space outside of your bedroom isn’t ALL about bragging rights. A change of scene might be a way for you and your partner to reboot your sex life and get an easy thrill from the chance of getting caught. Askmen does say that exhibitionism happens to be the second most common sexual fantasy for women, by the way. But if defiling a children’s theme park ride isn’t your speed, you can still take the bedroom aerobics somewhere with a smaller calculated risk.
It seems that lately everywhere I turn stories about 3-D printing and how it will soon be revolutionizing our world are flooding my news feed. Most recently I saw the first ever, 3-D printed dress made exclusively to conform to Dita Von Teese’s bodacious bod – complete with 13,000 Swarovski crystals as only Miss Dita would have. We are very likely looking at the beginning of a new technology that will be used in countless ways that we can’t even predict yet. These articles say it will make breakthroughs in not just fashion, but science and medicine and education, oh my! But before this technology goes to save the world let’s talk about the real reason any of us are interested in 3-D printing. Dildos. Yep. Print-a-Prick. This is our future, people, and it’s a hot one!
Even though female condoms have been around for nearly 30 years I would make a bet that you’ve never seen one in person. Blame it on poor marketing or their lack of availability as compared to the male condom, but one HUGE reason they tend to be harder to find than Carmen Sandiego is due to the incessant misinformation floating around and perpetuated by (of all places) Jezebel. This stunningly, shortsighted article did nothing but carry on the tradition of blasting female condoms because of the privileged point of view, “It just puts the onus completely on women when it comes to safe sex” and the never-welcome, disdainful judgment of “ew.”
I felt really ugly in January. I woke up one Tuesday morning and felt like five pounds had just decided to camp out around my belly button over night. I felt greasy and gassy and bloated all the time and the last thing that was anywhere near my brain space was sex. I had absolutely zero desire to jump my partner’s sexy bones and the hardest part was that I knew I was supposed to care, but I didn’t. I am a sex academic who extols the virtues of regular humping sessions to everyone I meet, yet I couldn’t manage to even pretend that I was in the mood for my partner even if I tried. Blame it on the season, the cold, gray winter, or blame it on various stress factors that had been circling around my head. One thing was for certain, I felt ugly.
Valentine’s Day is here and let’s face it – times are tough. If you’re in a relationship, you’re probably brainstorming ways to be thrifty yet still show your partner just how much you care. If the thought has crossed your mind that you could shape that topiary between your thighs into a heart then you and I have a lot in common (we’re poor and sooper sexy). While this may be an economical option compared to the traditional lobster dinner, Hallmark card, roses, See’s candy, sweatshirt for two, there are some things to take into consideration before you make an appointment with your wax technician or razor to take care of the hair down there.
Even if you’re not in a relationship, or planning to surprise anyone with their initials emblazoned in your bush, pubic hair removal has become ubiquitous especially with women. Sure, some men are starting to jump on the bandwagon (brozilians, anyone?), but the ladies are really bearing the brunt of it and turning your grassy field into a slip n’ slide can have some negative health consequences.
The first “sex thing” I ever searched online was all about oral. I had just come from a party where some jerk teenager was telling a room of other jerk teenagers the ultimate dear diary story about a girl who literally blew onto his penis in a failed blowjob attempt. Everyone (including me) laughed at this girl’s inexperience, but in my head I’m going, “Wait, what? Why is it called a BLOWjob? If you don’t blow on it, what do you dooooooo?” As soon as I got home I Asked Jeeves “how+to+give+fellatio.” This began my decade long hunt for the perfect blowjob.
Sex toys are great! However, just like yummy little oysters, they don’t suit everyone’s taste. Some folks who have never tried one probably think they are weird, gross and a little slimy. Although if sex toys are for you, you’ve likely run into a situation where you didn’t quite know how to seamlessly incorporate your bullet into your bedchamber without it backfiring.
Dildos, vibrators, handcuffs, strap-ons and anal beads can be necessary tools for women, in particular, to climax. 8 out of 10 women don’t attain orgasm with penetration alone. However, these toys might seem intimidating to the uninitiated. You think about making the introduction between, say, you’re battery operated boyfriend and you’re real life boyfriend, but you can almost see your partner pointing to their genitals and saying “is this not good enough for you?” After 15 minutes of consoling a deflated ego, you tuck your Rabbit back in the top drawer only to be resurrected next week after a particularly steamy episode of Girls while no one is watching. But this isn’t the way it should go, and it doesn’t have to if you follow a few easy suggestions.
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