HEY LADIEEESSSSSSSSSS [AIR HORN, AIR HORN], YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS! That’s fucking right, babes de moderne, bikini season is just around the corner! If you haven’t already, it’s wise to start thinking about how to sculpt that perfect beach bod that brings all the boys to the yard (or beach). Tired of the gym? Sick of pretending yoga is real? Try these alternative methods to regular exercise and shed those unwanted pounds in no time! Trust me. I’m a scientist.

ASTRAL PROJECTION

People always say to me, “Hey scientist! How can I lose weight while doing absolutely nothing?” and my answer is always “astral projection.” Astral projection is the art of separating your mind from your body and traveling to exotic locations like Thailand or Boise or my ex-girlfriend’s underwear drawer. Have you ever heard the phrase “mind over matter”? Me too! That’s so cool. We both know a thing. ANYWAY, if you send your astral body to the gym while you chill on the couch you’re bound to lose weight. You can do literally anything you set your mind to. Once, a friend of mine willed himself to ejaculate without touching his penis. And he totally came. So there you have it! Proof!

VODKA MASTER CLEANSE

My besties are always like “shots! shots! shot shot shot shots!”, I guess it’s a song or something. But you’re never gonna get anywhere taking baby steps. Here’s what you do: throw away all the food you own. Dispose of any beverage that’s not cheap, charcoal filtered vodka. Now chug that vodka. Yeah. Yeah, chug it real nice. You’ve got it. Almost there Open up that throat. Nice. Great chug, babe. Do you feel like puking? I bet you do. Repeat until skinny or dead.

MURDER IN THE FIRST DEGREE

Remember Jeff? And how he used you? And ran off with that wretched secretary who wore Shape-Ups? And how even after all that he asked you to watch his dogs? And you did it because you still loved him? And how you still have the spare key? And know the security code? And just happened to purchase a shovel and some heavy-duty tarps at Home Depot earlier today? And how the beautiful metal blade of the kitchen knife glinted in the silver moonlight? And how their screams were muffled by the pillows and how you made his dogs watch?

Burying two bodies deep enough to never be found sure is a work-out!

ANAL SEX

Imagine: you go to the doctor. You get a check-up. The results come back positive for an age-old disease: flabby white girl butt. Now look, honey, we’ve all had a case of FWGB at some point in our lives. It’s nothing to be ashamed of! But here’s the secret remedy most people don’t know: do it in the sphinct. I know this because when I was fifteen a girl on the bus told me “black girls have better booties because black girls fuck in the butt way more…all that pounding? Makes the booty round. Plumps it out.” Now, I haven’t seen any scientific data to back this theory but I believe that girl, Myaj, because she seemed very confident and sure of herself. And she had a great ass. Thanks Myaj!

MAKE A SEX TAPE WITH RAY J

Picture Kim Kardashian today. Now picture her in the sex tape with Ray J. See?

(SEE ALSO: ANAL SEX)

BLACK MARKET CALCIUM TRADE

Sell yr bones on Craigslist. Get those bones out of here. This summer is all about being boneless. Just chillin’ in the sun, big ol’ bag of skin. Sexy skin. Folds. So many new folds. All kinda places to put a dick.

RAD OUT

Buy every magazine that tells you to lose weight, trim up, slim down, buy new titties, re-structure your vagina, or tells you how to have slave-sex with your man, or mentions flicking your tongue on a penis head, which isn’t a real thing, alright everyone? Put all these magazines in a pile and light them on fire. Put on a Van Halen album. Light a blunt. Shotgun a tall can. Kick-flip over the pile of burning garbage while flipping two birds to the heavens and ripping mid-air farts. Repeat until you die from being too gnarly for this mortal coil. Punch god in the dick. Namaste.