Kim Kardashian & Kris Humphries. Dennis Rodman & Carmen Electra. Jennifer Lopez & Chris Judd. What do these former couples/publicity stunts have in common? They all used the gift receipt on their relationships to trade in for a different peen or poon of equal or lesser value after less than one year of being together. And it’s not just celebs. It seems like everywhere we turn, relationships are ending as quickly as they began. Sure, plenty of times, those two people probably didn’t belong together, but a lot of times, relationships don’t have to end or be as difficult as they are if people only knew certain things. So on the eve of celebrating my one year anniversary/X-mas with mah boo, I’d thought I share some Blaria-fied tips on how my boo and I have managed not to send each other to the left (well, technically, one of us would have to go stage left; otherwise, we’d be going in the same direction, but you get the point).
DO: Fart around him once, but no more than thrice, to normalize things. Look, farting around your man is like using sick days at work. You only get a certain amount and you need to use them wisely like for a mental health day or if you’re too hungover from last night’s shenanigans. The same holds true with breaking wind. You got your “I’m not perfect; can I just live” fart when you’ve had a stressful week at work and you emotionally ate that spicy meatball sub, knowing that your body can’t handle it, the “tee-hee, that was a surprise” fart, and the “tooting like a jazz solo on the HBO show Treme because I’m sick and can’t control my bodily functions” fart. In all three instances, you’re showing your boo that you’re comfortable with yourself and not high maintenanced. He will appreciate that you’re okay with being your real self around him. But be sure not to get too comfortable with it. Like don’t maintain eye contact with your boo as you toot out your butt:
And take a sip of your orange juice like, “Yeah, there’s more where that come from. Don’t wake me up at 8am on a Saturday to make your ass some home fries.” No revenge farts allowed, y’all! There can be no evidence that you are enjoying the fart. Like you still gotta do the “oopsie” face and shit:
And let him know that you’re not going to pop on off whenever you feel good and ready.
DON’T: Get sloppy like a torn Ziploc bag full of Hamburger Helper. Meaning (and this is true for both sexes) that you absolutely CANNOT take for granted that because your significant other was attracted to you on Day One, that s/he will be attracted to you forever. Too often, people behave as if to say, “I got you. My work here is done. I can just chill.” Um, no. Your boo isn’t like “Software Update” notification that pops up on your computer screen where you can be like
and click “Remind Me Later.” Your boo is someone you care about and hope to love and will love you one day. Act accordingly. Btdizzle, when by “sloppy,” I don’t just mean looks. I mean all of it: planning an evening together, not treating each other like old college roommates, doing shit on your own, so you have interesting stories to tell one another, etc. In short, all the things you did get your boo, you gotta still do, to varying degrees, to maintain the boo. Otherwise, s/he may stamp RETURN TO SENDER on your forehead and ship your ass back to your parents’ house.
DO: Have platonic friends of the opposite sex. Emphasis on platonic:
That means no dudes who you keep in your back pocket and flirt with in case your current relationship doesn’t work out. That’s like going to Walmart and putting that Sony plasma TV on hold for when your paycheck comes through. I’m NOT talking about layaway peen. I’m talking about if you were asked the following question: “Would you be totes fine with double dutching with XYZ as well as oven dutching him,” you would answer, without hesitation: yes and yes.
DON’T: Go to your girlfriends with relationship issues because they will fuck your shit up. I repeat, YOUR GIRLFRIENDS DON’T KNOW SHIT: “He’s probably just busy. I would text him. Again,” “He’s scared, so give him time and he’ll come around,” and “You should [insert the thing that most guys hate women doing] to resolve the problem.” Oy to the fucking vey, y’all. This is where having a male platonic friend comes in handy because he can give you perspective. Below, you will see that listening to your girlfriends can make things between you and your boo get RILL while listening to a male friend can make things between you and your boo and things get REAL.
REAL: Your platonic male friend’s advice are the hands in this gif:
RILL: The fight is now worse because you took your girlfriends’ advice and now you’re like:
And he’s like:
DO: Remember that shit is supposed to be fun:
And not like:
Yes, relationships are work, but don’t forget to laugh, be lighthearted, and easygoing when you can. It will make your relationship and life that much easier to navigate.
DON’T: CAPS LOCKS your man during a Gchat fight:
Not only is that shit mad ignorant, but you can only use the excuse, “Sorry, I was working in Excel,” two times before he’s going to be like, “Is this bitch yelling at me?”
DO: Remember: TheOutsideWorldDoesNotCareAboutYourHappy.gov. Yeah, I’m talking about you former Ms. All My Friends Are Relationships & I’m Not, So Fuck Love. Now, you have somebody, you want e’erybody to know. Just calm the fuck down and act like you’ve been there before and stop with the constant status updates, instagrams, and tweets. Act like you’ve had a guy buy you a Hallmark card before. Act like you’ve unlocked a dude’s car door before. We’ve all seen A Bronx Tale. No one cares. And he definitely doesn’t care because if, unfortunately, he wants to break up with you down the line, he’s not going to be like, “Man, I really do want to leave you, but you’re so good at unlocking car doors that I’mma give this another shot.”
DON’T: Forget that it’s not that you get jealous, it’s how you handle your jealousy. Understand that he (and you) will find other people attractive. Do. Not. Lose. Your. Shit. Over. It. The next time a good looking lady is talking to your boo, be calm, have faith and trust that he’s not going to leave you for her, and hold up your forkful of scrambled eggs and say to yourself:
And if you don’t have a forkful of scrambled eggs, then just whip your hair back and forth. It’s basically the same thing.
DO: Threaten to do this:
Anytime someone tries to reenforce any and every ludicrous expectation that has been programmed into your brain since childhood. The Prince Charming fantasy, the unnecessarily expensive engagement as proof that he loves you, the mindset that the guy must deem that he’s worthy of you while you have do nothing but show up, etc. Most, if not all, of that kind of thinking can lead to the demise of your relationship.
DON’T: Feel the pressure to have sex every time you spend time together:
For reals, you don’t need to have your legs spread out in the pre-pap smear stirrup posish. Having sex all the time isn’t realistic and feeling like you SHOULD actually takes the fun out of doing it and makes it more like a chore. Sometimes he’s tired. You’re tired. It’s not the end of the world if you have the night off. So put down your legs, open you mouth, put some cake in it, and know that you will live to rub genitals or denim genitals (if you’re still into dry humping, I’m not going to judge) another day.
This post originally appeared on the fabulous, Blaria.
Phoebe Robinson is the proprietor of Blaria.com (that's Black Daria, for those not in the know). She's performed stand-up at several major festivals, including the Bridgetown Comedy Festival and the Eugene Mirman Comedy Festival, and she's written for the New York Times, Time Out New York and The Smoking Jacket. She's also appeared on TV Guide's "100 Shows to See Before You Die" and "25 Biggest Reality Star Blunders." She frowns upon you following her in real life, but totally feel free to track her every move on Twitter: @PRobinsonComedy.
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