Here are some things you should know about me: I could eat nachos every day, I have eight tattoos, and I do yoga most mornings. Oh and also, I’m married. In fact, I’ve been coupled with my husband for almost 11 years now (and we’re not even 30 yet!). So, you’re thinking, what in the world is she doing writing for WTF?! How could she possibly know or relate to the madness that is the post-dating world?
Well, my fellow WTF fans, I have a different role – I am the friend who is up at 3 am on a weeknight while my best friend’s boyfriend just broke her heart; I am the wing-woman in the bar on Karaoke Wednesday at the firefighter bar; and I am the one willing to make the often awkward leap into conversation with a Hot Sex Prospect so as to segue way for my single sistas.
I can dish about whether or not it’s a good idea to sleep with that new co-worker you hit it off with over tapas and can tell you when, yes, your butt looks too fat in that outfit, but this one will be perfect. I am here for the tears, the cringes, but also – the romance.
I cherish my gal pals. But it seems like I’m the exception, not the rule. Time and again, I’ve seen girls alienate and drive away their Single Gal Pals the second a semi-serious guy enters the picture. Sound GOOD to you? Here’s a Handy Guide on what to do if you’d like to make The One your One And Only!
(and by now I’m hoping you realize this is a How-To in reverse a la How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days…Oh dreamy McConaughey… even married girls can dream…)
Picture this scenario with me: There you are staring over a hot plate of artichoke (artichoke and a poke anyone?) and you realize – this is it! This guy is hot/smart/awesome/funny/enter your lust-worthy adjective here. You might just have him stick around.
Fast forward some time now and bam – somehow you’ve landed yourself in, gulp, a relationship! You go to brunch on Sundays with the cute couple you met at Trader Joes, you have guaranteed weekend plans, and you’ve even joined a cooking class together.
Then it happens. (Enter Single Gal Pal’s name here) calls. She wants to hang out! How could she expect you to pry yourself away from your loverbunny?
Here are 10 Easy Steps to help you rid yourself of Single Gal Pals in 10 days or less…
1. Invite said Single Gal Pal over (henceforth to be referred to as SGP) for some “girl time”. Girl Time actually means a couples-only dinner party. Surprise her with a date! SGPs love unknowingly being set up on random dates with dudes you’ve never mentioned to them. Sound like a lot of work? Hell, don’t stress out about her date – it could be anyone: that guy at your office that hoards Hello Kitty posters in his cubicle, that dude you see holding a sign up in Union Square – something about Jesus coming? He seems friendly enough. Whoever! Then let the magic unfold.
2. Sign your SGP up for Match.Com with out telling her. Put up a lot of pictures you have of your SGP especially the ones from drunken late nights when she’s puking in a bush, or her muffin top is hanging out- guys like comedy right? Then chat with potential dudes you deem worthy. Tell them all her secrets- it’s like fast-forwarding through a year of the relationship for them. Wow, what a good friend you are!
3. Whenever your SGP is over make sure and sit on your sig others lap. Really pour on the PDA in front of her. Eskimo kisses and pet names preferred. This will make her realize what she’s missing and then she’ll go out and find a man too!
4. Invite your new sig other out with you and your SGP. Even when he wasn’t invited. Because it’s a bachelorette party.
5. Constantly point out your SGP’s single status. When you’re at a restaurant and the server asks how to split the check make a big production of how you and your sig other are on one check and your SGP is on her own check. By herself. Because she doesn’t have anyone. And will probably grow old living with 14 cats, 12 of which are called Snowball.
6. When at dinner with your sig other and SGP talk the whole time using only inside jokes between you and your Sugar Muffin. Then when your SGP asks what you’re talking about, wink at your sig other and tell your SGP: “Oh you’ll understand someday” or “It’s a couples thing.”
7. Have an opinion on every guy your SGP meets. In fact, it’s the same opinion, “he’s perfect!” Even if he’s passive aggressive, suggested they dine and ditch and he showed up wearing jean short cut-offs. In January. The idea is to get this girl coupled up already!
8. Always use the statement “we” instead of “I” when speaking to your SGP. For example “We would like to start with the caesar salad” or “we think you’re getting too old to not be settling down” or “we would like you to meet our friend Harold- um, yes, that’s a walker and a hearing aid.”
9. Invite your SGP over for movie marathon night with your sig other. Pop popcorn, cuddle on the couch and start the romance fest. Make sure to include: Bed of Roses, Untamed Heart, and of course, your wedding video!!
10. Remind your SGP that she’s not getting any younger. Or thinner.
About the Author: Besides the aforementioned yoga and nacho-loving, Miss Stevie also loves getting pedicures with her gal pals (coupled and not), drinking sangria, and has never entered a Fred Savage look-alike contest but thinks that would be awesome. She met the lovely Becky on a rooftop in SpaHa many years ago and has since enjoyed her company (along with the ever wise and gorgeous Jess) at movie premieres, family get-togethers and Kanye West look-alike competitions. You can find out more about Miss Stevie on her art blog I Adore Inspiration or at Personal Listologies which she co-blogs with one of her oldest friends.
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