For the couple that has everything and does everything splendidly, I give you a chance to change things up: this how to guide on how to have the worst Valentine’s Day ever. It’s not as easy as you think it is. There’s an art to George Costanza-ing up the holiday for lovebirds everywhere. Here’s how you do it.
Start early. Serve breakfast in bed. Spill the breakfast. When your lover freaks out that you spilled breakfast all over them, don’t offer an apology. Don’t even flinch. Instead say, “Have fun cleaning this up, I gotta work on my glutes” and bounce.
Send embarrassingly large amounts of flowers to their work every hour. Don’t stop at flowers either; go for Teddy Bears, fruit bouquets, maybe even some nice pies. Send anything and everything that you can send. Make sure their name is spelled wrong on all the cards. Be creative with spelling their name wrong. Make sure you add “P.S. You owe me” on each card.
Don’t bother to make dinner reservations. Insist that you don’t need them, because you’re “so money.” Just show up. Insist on getting a table. When you can’t get a table, threaten the host/hostess. When they become alarmed, take off your pants/skirt and tell them you’d rather not go to an establishment that lets people walk around without pants/skirts. Loudly tell your lover you’re going to the Outback Steakhouse instead. Shove a plant on your way out, if you haven’t been escorted out.
Wind up at the Outback Steakhouse. I have no beef (haha I’m hilarious!) with this place, but I know it’s not the most desirable V-Day location, so make sure that’s where you wind up. Applebees’ is also acceptable. Insist to the waiter/waitress that it’s BOTH of your birthdays and demand free food.
Talk about yourself and only yourself throughout the entire dinner. Be sure to mention how awesome you are, and how great it is that you chose to be with them. Literally pat yourself on the back, and more than once.
Argue in the car on the way home about whose career is more important (hint: yours). Say things like, “I’m sick of being the captain of this sinking ship” and “I make five hundies a week!”. Do not back down.
Have zero sex. Obviously.
What are YOUR Valentine’s Day plans?
Photo: Peter Stackpole, 1943, via LIFE photo archives for Google.
Almie Rose is a writer from Los Angeles. She has a blog, Apocalypstick. In addition to Dating & Hookup she also writes for Hello Giggles, The Frisky, Thought Catalog, and Genlux Magazine. Her book, I Forgot To Be Famous, is out now. You can follow her on twitter @apocalypstick. Her favorite pastime is eating and drinking and sleeping and then eating again.
datingandhookup.com is a website that explores modern romance in the Millennial era – which, let’s be honest, looks nothing like we were taught to expect. We feature essays, advice and social commentary with humor, compassion and brains, and we vow never, ever to publish a piece called “The 10 Best Ways to Satisfy Your Man in Bed”. Do click to submit your work to us. We love you.
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