Do you need help finding a man? Joe Bonomo would like to offer his dating advice with his 64 page book titled How To Find Your Man from 1954. Want to find and keep “Your Man”? Follow these tips!

1. Start by filling out a handy chart of “yes” or “no” questions.

Here are the questions (and Joe asks that you fill them out twice. First before reading the book, and then after.)

1. Sure you want to find him? (Sure.)
2. Are you ready for him? (Oh yeah.)
3. Are you mentally relaxed? (Hahahahahaha.)
4. Are you honest with yourself? (Sure.)
5. Can you be honest with him? (Oh yeah.)
6. Are you feminine in appearance? (…what?)
7. Do you look happy? (Well not when I’m having panic attacks, which is fairly often.)
8. Can you share? (Yeah unless it’s my stuff.)
9. Want a guy who’s not quite perfect? (Are you hitting on me, Joe?)
10. Are you prompt for dates? (I try my best, I swear!)
11. Is your outfit complimentary to him? (Yes, I spied on him before our date and matched my outfit accordingly, down to the tie.)
12. Do you want him tailored to fit your idea of Mr. Right? (Who is Mr. Right, really?)

So how did you do, ladies?

2. “Thank your stars”

Joe suggests thanking your lucky stars and basically chilling the fuck out. “Have you ever noticed, that often, when you try to play the hardest…you can’t win the game you’re playing? But, when you don’t give a darn, it falls into your lap? That a job promotion…a salary raise…a nice present comes expectedly? When you’re relaxed, you’re more attractive to your friends, your boss…and the guy you’ve just met.” Hey, maybe it’ll happen to be all three! I gotta give Joe props for assuming that some women actually have — gasp — jobs.

3. Be feminine.

This one is very important to ole Joe. You’ve just got to be feminine or you’ve got no chance, no matter how many lucky stars you’re thanking. Not sure if you’re feminine? Here’s a handy checklist!

• “Do you remember daintiness, at all times?” (I knew I forgot something, I thought it was pants, turns out it was daintiness!)
• “Can you wear slacks or shorts and still be girlish…and do you avoid them otherwise?” (I regularly avoid pants, yes.)
• “When you’re dressing for an evening date, do you avoid mannish suits?” (No, I like to wear my gigantic David Byrne suit.)
• “Do you always remember that white gloves, or a white collar, should be spotless?” (Great, now I need to buy white gloves.)
• “Do you take the time to use a drop of perfume…to put on a piece of jewelry…Not too much of it please!” (Shut up, Joe.)
• “Do you watch your posture…never sprawling or slouching?” (I’m actually trying to improve my posture, yes.)
• “Do you remember not to stride…to walk with a spring that looks as if you like to dance?” (I’m pretty sure only Disney Princesses can walk this way and get away with it.)
• “Do you watch the way you use your voice in conversation?” (No I CANNOT CONTROL THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE.)

The book also suggests that you should look happy. “…You actually have to learn to live happily as a single person before you can expect to live happily married.” That’s actually good advice! “On the other hand, don’t go overboard!” Damn it Joe, we were so close.

4. Don’t be late on your dates. But if he is, try to deal with it.

Joe points out that some rascally girls love to be late for dates, so as not to appear “too eager.” But Joe thinks you should be courteous. If you wouldn’t want him to be late, then you shouldn’t be either. But what if he is late? “Give him a chance to explain. If he is never on time, you’ll soon decide whether you want to be bothered with him…or whether you’re so far gone for him that it’s part of his nature you’ll learn to put up with.” So basically, deal with it, gals.

5. Dress to impress.

To find your man, you’ve got to look good. Like, really good. Before going on dates, you need to ask yourself, “Do you look as though you have taken care with your grooming? And your dress?” (NEVER SLACKS, LADIES.) “Or do you look as though any old thing would do? Of course it’s best never to overdress…but don’t be timid either! Look special so he’ll know you think he’s something special.” Buddy Joe notes that “dressing appropriately doesn’t necessarily mean expensively. Like all gals today, you already know that.” Hey, thanks for giving us the benefit of the doubt. For once. Just don’t you dare forget that, “wearing clothes that are fresh and spotless is a compliment to Your Man!” (And yes, Your Man really is capitalized in the book.)

Oh and in case you were worried about this, the book assures you, “you don’t need mink!” But you should know how to sew. “Wait until he admires your bouse…and then let him know you’re pleased he likes it, because you made it yourself.” Don’t bother with fur, learn to sew, got it.

6. Follow and memorize these “six simple rules”:

• “Be lovely to look at…at all times.” (ALL times? Aw, man.)
• “Have a ready smile. He may see it…even though you haven’t noticed him yet.” (What? Is he hiding?)
• “Budget your times to include Your Man…whether you’ve met him yet or not.” (Joe, you cray.)
• “Budget your energy…in the same way.” (k.)
• “When you meet him…charm him with sincerity and your own natural sweetness…accented with care for your appearance and disposition.” (UGH, WE GET IT JOE, WE ALL NEED TO LOOK HOT AND HAPPY.)

7. Wear a lot of makeup, wash constantly, and worry about your neck.

Guys, Joe is OBSESSED with ladies’ appearance. He thinks women should wear makeup and be very clean, always. Want to follow his skin regimen? “Twice a day, give your face a bath…using a soft washcloth. [...] Never wash your face with hot water! Use lukewarm water to start…and finish with cold. Cold water makes a velvet skin!” Okay I’m totally pro being clean and washing your face, but the way he describes. the whole thing is a little, “it puts the lotion in the basket”. Check out his makeup tips: “When you’re applying foundation cream…remember the way you do it is important. Rubbing around and around, or carelessly up and down…won’t do anything to prevent sagging and stretching. [...] move up the neck, never down.” NEVER DOWN, NEVAAAAR!

He is also very obsessed with ladies’ necks. “A man looks at a horse’s teeth to tell his age…he often looks at a woman’s neck to see how wrinkled or dried up it is…for the same reason.” Wow! Charming!

There are more pages spent on appearance in this book than on anything else.

8. Say “yes” to everything.

I get his point here: “You won’t find him by sitting home alone.” So what can you do? “Be available. Try having a Yes campaign! Say ‘yes’ when knock-kneed Susie at the office asks you home to dinner…her brother Joe may be handsome!” (I’m dying here. “Knock-kneed” Susie? And we get it Joe, you’re a catch.) “Say ‘yes’ when boring cousin Kate asks you to a party at her house…it may turn out to be the time when you meet That Guy who definitely doesn’t bore you!” Who the hell are these people??

9. “Budget your energy”

Joe is getting up in our face here. “Must you really spend Saturday afternoon window-shopping…when you have no intention of buying?” The hell do you care, Joe? Well his problem is we could be using that time to find Our Man! And by the way, you should take his advice as soon as possible. Joe suggests you even do it “today“. And don’t waste your “emotional energy” either. If you break up with some clown, buck up and get it together so you have good energy for when you meet Your Man.

10. Go out more, do more things, meet more people.

Joe suggests that in order to find the man you want, you have to go where he wants to be. So if you want a man who likes music, go to a concert. Joe is even forward-thinking enough to suggest that women can be interested in politics and that you should “join your favorite political party and attend meetings and rallies” if that’s what you’re and your dream man are into. But he also suggests folk dancing and attending church regularly, so he’s keeping it balanced. And if you have a dog, use it to your advantage. Take it to a dog park and get the dog to hit on a guy for you.

 

Ultimately, though some of these tips are horribly old-fashioned to the point of being offensive, some of them make absolute sense. What do you guys think of these 1950′s dating tips?