Like many other mid-twenties bachelorettes with a summer birthday and a few post-college years under her belt, I have recently begun to experience the phenomenon that is Wedding Instagram Overload. As in, my friends and/or distant acquaintances are popping the questions and the marriage cherries (maraschino, soaked in fine bourbon and used as a garnish, perhaps?) all over the Internet. It happened for the first time, last year, on my 24th birthday: my worst frenemy from high school took my birthday and turned it into her goddamn wedding anniversary.
And that was when I realized that the next ten years of my life, minimum, and by extension, birthday (parties), are about to be overshadowed and under-appreciated because SUMMER IS WEDDING SEASON AND SOMEONE IS GOING TO BE GETTING MARRIED ON MY BIRTHDAY EVERY YEAR, AND THAT’S WAY MORE IMPORTANT THAN MY STUPID NON-MILESTONE OF A BIRTHDAY. To make things worse, I wasn’t invited.
Sure enough, it happened again this year. An old friend turned acquaintance–you know how these things go, people drift apart when they don’t have frat parties at which to run into each other and casually high five a few times per month!–got married this time, and I was much happier to let him have my birthday as a wedding anniversary. Again, I was not invited. There must have been some mistake! We ate vegetarian food together at that restaurant one time! Cue: FOMO.
I decided I had to find a way to deal with this, and have since compiled the following list of coping mechanisms, because desperate times call for desperate measures, and also I am a writer, so.
1) Chalk it up to a “small wedding,” even if it isn’t.
2) Start making your own wedding guest list, realize how quickly it gets way too long and expensive, begin crossing off names of already-married acquaintances who didn’t invite you to their weddings. Feel vindicated.
3) Peruse bridal magazines, print out some selfies, and tape yourself into people’s wedding photos like a creep. I’m not saying I’ve done this but it’s really cathartic.
4) Eat whatever you want. BECAUSE WEDDING DIETS ARE FOR SUCKERZZZZZZ.
5) Do something else. Like maybe go outside or get off of Instagram! Facebook too. And maybe stop using the bride emoji so you don’t have to look at it in your “Recently Used” section.
6) You know what color dress you need five of this summer? White. Can’t go wrong with it! Who could you possibly offend? Hell, why not say YOLO and bleach your entire wardrobe white?
7) If all else fails, binge-watch Say Yes to The Dress until you can’t anymore, then solidify your resolve with my three favorite TV pilots, all of which include disastrous weddings in some form or another: Friends, Happy Endings, and The Mindy Project. If you are more of a bookworm than a binge-watcher, read this excerpt from How to Be A Woman by Caitlin Moran, about her terrible wedding, instead.
Okay, that’s all I’ve got. How do you guys deal with wedding season FOMO?
Grace DeVoll is currently working as an assistant on a TV show about superheroes, and sometimes confusing it with real life. When she isn't pretending she's Wonder Woman, she enjoys making lists, late night adventure-driving, and dressing up like a princess. You can follow her on twitter @offtothegraces, which would really make her day, or learn more about her here.
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