SUMMER! HOT DOGS! SANTA MONICA PIER! UNIVERSAL STUDIOS! ARTIC KISS COCKTAIL (CHAMPAGNE WITH VODKA)! STRAPPY HEELS! INDIE BANDS IN CONCERT! DIRTY SUNGLASSES! WHERE DID WE PARK THE CAR! SUMMER!
Every day is a chance to have the best day of your life. So why not have the best summer of your life? NO ROXY BOARD SHORTS ALLOWED (unless you surf) — THAT’S NOT HOW WE’RE GOING TO DO SUMMER 2013!
In this first part, I’m going to advise you on how to handle those summer parties. You know the kind: there’s like 200 kids from 200 different social circles and there’s a DJ but he’s basically irrelevant because the party is so loud. HELL YEAH!
The most important thing to keep in mind at these parties: BRING YOUR OWN ALCOHOL. Yes, they will provide alcohol, but by the time you get there, it will likely only be keg beer. Don’t have a problem with that? THEN GO FOR IT, STAR! But if you’re like me and would rather not waste the calories, then you’ve GOT TO PLAN AHEAD. Had I realized this I would not have been culminating a buzz on Malibu Rum — THAT SHOULD NOT BE STRAIGHT UP, UGH. Bring little adorable bottles of alcohol, like the kind that Jack got on the airplane before the whole series culminated in a stupid-ass finale that disappointed millions! WE HAVE TO GO BACK, KATE — to drinking stylishly! And what better accessory is there than an adorable little bottle of Southern Comfort?
Now keep in mind that these parties are more often than not going to look like an Urban Outfitters expo. THAT’S OK, FUCK THAT, DRESS LIKE A SUCCESS. Wear that cocktail dress with that cocktail ring and put on those Vera Wang heels — HOWEVER, DO REALIZE THAT IT WILL BE HARD TO WALK DOWN AND UP HILLS AND STEPS AND THAT YOUR HEEL MAY GET CAUGHT IN BETWEEN THE SLATS OF A POORLY MADE WOODEN BALCONY AND YOU MAY SEE YOUR LIFE FLASH BEFORE YOUR EYES AND ALL YOU’LL SEE IS THAT TIME YOU DIDN’T BUY THOSE PAIR OF KILLER MARC BY MARC JACOB HEELS AT DSW AND IF YOU’RE OK WITH SEEING THAT, THEN GO FOR IT, SUPERSTAR!
Now here comes the fun part: socializing! Be sure to go a party that is full of struggling actors and/or comedians because the best thing about this group is that they NEVER ask you what you do for a living because everyone is so insecure and so worried that you’re doing better than they are that they don’t even want to know! It’s awesome!! It’s also best to go to these parties not holding grudges. Because it’s summer, and you’re young and attractive, and grudges just aren’t becoming. Who cares if you’ve screwed the entire ’09 Groundlings Comedy Troup? GET OVER IT, IT’S SUMMER! (I haven’t done this, btw. I don’t usually dig improv guys. SORRY!)
And finally, stay true to yourself. If you feel like Cher Horowitz at a Valley party, just say so! Which is what I did last night and inadvertently said it in front of one of the hosts — BUT GUESS WHAT, HE’S INTO IMPROV, SO HE TOTALLY RAN WITH IT! HUZZAH!
I’m not saying you should be ungrateful, I’m just saying, don’t be fake. If you’re going to be fake you may as well just sit at home. HAVE FUN, DON’T DRIVE DRUNK, AND BE KIND!
P.S. Sorry if it’s not summer where you live! You can still apply these ways of thinking to any other social event. Because any way you want it, that’s the way you need it — any way you want it! ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCINO!
Originally posted in Apocalypstick in 2010 and I have no regrets, I stand by all of this.
Almie Rose is a writer from Los Angeles. She has a blog, Apocalypstick. In addition to Dating & Hookup she also writes for Hello Giggles, The Frisky, Thought Catalog, and Genlux Magazine. Her book, I Forgot To Be Famous, is out now. You can follow her on twitter @apocalypstick. Her favorite pastime is eating and drinking and sleeping and then eating again.
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