The first “sex thing” I ever searched online was all about oral. I had just come from a party where some jerk teenager was telling a room of other jerk teenagers the ultimate dear diary story about a girl who literally blew onto his penis in a failed blowjob attempt. Everyone (including me) laughed at this girl’s inexperience, but in my head I’m going, “Wait, what? Why is it called a BLOWjob? If you don’t blow on it, what do you dooooooo?” As soon as I got home I Asked Jeeves “how+to+give+fellatio.” This began my decade long hunt for the perfect blowjob.

Wrap it Up

Real talk. I won’t go into too much detail, but I will say pharyngeal gonorrhea (the kind that infects the throat) is an infection that may or may not be perpetuating drug resistant strains of the gonococci bacteria. When you’re unsure of your partner’s STD status, play it safe. What better way to be cautious than to wrap up that Johnson with a fresh mint flavored condom? Not only does this keep you and your partner safe, but it will get you so minty fresh you’ll feel like you’re the porno version of the Orbits girl.

Now that my safety PSA is done let’s get to the juice!

Make a Scene

Men are visual creatures. Although, I’m guessing you’ve already gleaned that from the existence of push-up bras and Coco. You don’t have to look like a porn star to get him excited, but acting like your own version of a penis-starved, zombie nymph doesn’t hurt. Treat him to a lingerie-clad or naked beej. Seat him on a chair while you get on all fours and arch your back so he can view dat ass. Act like his dick is the best thing that’s ever been in your mouth. Make some eye contact, give him a wink, and he’ll start to feel like he’s on the set of Throbbin’ Hood. Keep in mind – blowies are not JUST about HIM. What? You thought you were going to do all that hard work and wait around for your own pleasure?  Take some time to stimulate yourself. Most men will be put over the edge if they see and hear that you are enjoying everything just as much as they are.

Tease, Teeth, and Timing

If you’ve ever known a stripper or been a stripper or have watched a stripper, you’ll know that teasing is an art. Don’t just hork his wang down to get it over with. Take a minute to warm him up and slobber his dong! Sorry…lubricate his phallus from the testes to the tip with your tongue. If you want a little help with the lubrication process, check out a flavored lubricant to keep everything nice and juicy. After his member is prepped, the number one rule of blowjob perfection is to cover your chompers. No one wants his penis grated by your fangs, so open wide, and wrap your very lubricated lips around your teeth. Pace is also important. Start slow and play around before you build up to a quicker, steadier pace.

DID YOU KNOW: Vaginas and penises are anatomically equivalent. In utero, all fetuses begin as females until that Y chromosome kicks in and tells the clitoris to essentially extend into a penis. If you are the proud owner of a clit, think about what kind of sensations you enjoy.

Hand Jive

Hands are vital. Keep in mind that these smooth moves are to be applied with light pressure and heavy lubrication. Dry hands are no one’s friends. Here’s a few moves

Suck n’ Spin Grip your hand around his shaft at the head of the penis. Place your lips around the tip. As you stroke downward, spin your hand (like you’re closing a jar of pickles) down to the base of his penis. Use your mouth to follow your hand. As you come back up, spin your hand back around to your starting position.

Pepper Grinder With your mouth bobbing up and down on the head of his penis, grip his shaft with both hands and twist your hands inward like you’re cracking pepper over a nice wiener salad.

Never-Ending Gobstopper Vagina Keep your mouth stationary around the head of his penis while applying some pressure with the tip of your tongue to the tip of his dong and glide one hand at a time from your lips to the base of his penis, creating a never-ending-tunnel-of-love effect.

Trick-and-Treat

What makes a blowjob the best EVER? Having a little something special up your sleeve. The deep throat is the ever glorified, easy to fuck up move that most people try once and swear off forever.  Some people do it with ease, but others find themselves heaving. There are few things less sexy than vom in the back of your mouth. My advice to those of you who want to try is to start slow. Put his penis as deep into your mouth as possible. Make sure your chin is elevated so there is a straighter path from your mouth to your throat. Some say that squeezing your left thumb while doing it will help, but I’m not totally convinced.  If you feel that terrible gagging sensation, abort mission! If you’re in the clear, continue as follows. Once his penis hits the back of your throat, keep going. It will curve and continue to make its way down your throat even if it feels tight. If you have a particularly sensitive gag reflex, you can always use your hand around his shaft as a bumper to keep it from going too deep, thus avoiding introducing him to your lunch.

If the deep throat is not for you, try some of these other tricks submitted to me by some of my happy male friends:

Alan likes it when his partner puts on long fake fingernails and plays with his testicles. The middle seam between the testicles can be a really sensitive and erotic spot for your guy. Consider tickling this seam or gently tugging or holding his testicles while going to town on his dick.

Greg is a fan of an Altoid or a Halls throat lozenge in the mouth while performing oral. “It gives a cool sensation and then, Hey, fresh breath!”

Geoff explains the tricky yet satisfying move of exploring the anus with your finger or a toy while giving head. Not every guy will be on board for this, so Geoff suggests bringing it up in a casual way before sex like, “I read this article that said anal stimulation can be really thrilling for a guy during a blowjob. Mind if I try that next time, or right now?” (WINK.)

Brent is a fan of the SURPRISE, BLOWJOB! Not that anyone is suggesting doing something that will get you arrested, but Brent’s biggest turn on is when a girl takes him aside in an unusual or public place for some unexpected oral. He suggests, “make him think you might not do it or you might not finish him off before surprising him with your money move.”

Finish Him

Take your time and build up to the full throttle. When you can sense him getting close to climax, hit him with everything you’ve got and keep a steady pace with your hands and mouth. When it’s time to finish things up, make sure you’re both on the same page. If he’s wearing a condom already then the jizz is taken care of (another great reason to use condoms during oral sex). If you’re not using a condom and you don’t like surprise semen in your mouth, ask your dude to tell you when he’s going to cum so you can be prepared with a towel for him to finish in or for you to quickly spit into. If you are fulfilling your man’s porn star fantasies, then fuck yeah, swallow. I’m proud of you. Job well done.

Images via uuuhyeah, socialspice.de and pumpkincat210.