At the end of last week’s episode, all of our beloved Girls were climbing into bed with their respective men… er, not theirs per se, at least in Marnie’s case, but hey, it’s not about possession, it’s about sex. And also some other stuff, like maybe insecurity, loneliness, or a simple craving for a little spoon kind of night. At the end of this week’s episode, we saw some of those sex[ual relationships] disintegrate, and we saw the after effects of others. But mostly we just saw Hannah behaving like a stubborn, dissatisfied brat.

Let’s start with Marnie and Elijah, who, last week, had impulsive (and weirdly competitive) sex that turned flacid in about thirty seconds. Or, as Elijah would put it, three “pumps, thrusts, whatever.” And that’s how he put it to his wealthy, older boyfriend George, who didn’t take it as lightly as Elijah hoped. George tells Elijah he’s spent too much time confused, and doesn’t want to be with someone who’s confused. This is unfortunate for Elijah, considering George is paying for everything (including his rent), but I’m curious as to why Elijah didn’t ask him, “Then why the hell are you dating a guy in his twenties with no job who just moved in with his female ex-girlfriend?” or something along those lines. Instead he begs. Understandable, but unsuccessful. Elijah = dumped. And by the way, he’s not planning on telling Hannah the reason why.

Hannah is doing a workout DVD in her room. “Don’t worry about messing up. Just keep jumping,” says the fit lady on the computer screen. But Hannah is messing up. She’s floundering around like a klutz, convinced she’s on a “self improvement” kick, but she just keeps jumping. Sounds about like how she’s going through her life right now, no? Elijah comes home to discover that Adam has sent Hannah a breakup album, music and lyrics by… Adam:

Standing outside
Not making a sound
Creeping around
You destroyed my heart.
Thanks.

…Aaaand at the sound of Adam’s voice, some little part of me melts, even while the rest of me cringes. Because no one can doubt that Adam loves Hannah. Adam acts with only brutal honesty and weirdo animal instincts, and has absolutely no concern for propriety. If he didn’t love her, he wouldn’t know how to pretend he did. And that’s beautiful! But Hannah is really into being disagreeable lately, so of course she didn’t like his lyrics. Of course she called him “murdery in a murderer way,” then got mad at Elijah for saying Adam wouldn’t murder her, because that would mean Adam didn’t love her enough to murder her.

Hannah’s usual stubbornness and self-centered attitude – what she calls “marching to the beat of my own drummer, ever since I cut my camp shirt into a halter top” – really start to blossom in this episode. She is aggressively disagreeable with Elijah when he calls Sandy out for being a Republican, comparing Sandy’s Republicanism to George’s use of hotmail. She’s aggressively disagreeable with Marnie about Marnie’s pretty person job. And then she’s aggressively disagreeable to Sandy. When he tells her he didn’t like her essay, she immediately turns the conversation towards his political beliefs. Trying to justify it as an open “dialogue,” she begins attacking the beliefs of the Republican Party, specifically those related to women’s rights and gay marriage, then telling him to “lay that thing down, flip it, and reverse it,” before asserting that she has no idea who Missy Elliot is and didn’t “even notice” that Sandy was black.

Yeah. Okay, Hannah. Can we all agree that you were just offended that he didn’t like your essay? But it was sweet of you to say you didn’t believe in blue balls! I’m sure men watching Girls everywhere really appreciate that.

Meanwhile, Marnie is getting the short end of the stick in all areas of life. Last season I thought she deserved a lot more of what befell her, especially relating to her breakup with Charlie, but this season I’m finding myself more and more aggravated at the Pretty Girl vs. The World (including her not as pretty ex-roommate with chips on her shoulders) story lines. Everywhere Marnie goes, she’s surrounded by uppity betches. In the first episode of this season, she gets fired by her cougar boss, then called “prude-ish” by her mother. In this episode, Lena Dunham’s mom (Laurie Simmons) is interviewing her for a new job, in between her requests for Juice #5 and #6 for the day. Lena Dunham’s mom tells Marnie that she just doesn’t see her in the art world, which is why Marnie has to go get the pretty person job in the first place.

Shoshanna and Jessa both seem blissfully in love. Shoshanna and Ray are starting to discuss bathing a pig together. Next step, marriage? No, that’s Jessa, who is already married, and also got a primitive tiger tattoo to match her husband’s, even if he doesn’t know her friends’ names. But he is impressed by Hannah’s “shorteralls” and what she does with she’s got. Not enough to get to know her, though. So he leaves Jessa a present – three puppies: Garbage, Fucker, and Hannukah – and leaves her to lecture Hannah on Hannah’s tendency to “overthink things.” “This is what it’s like when the hunt is over,” she tells Hannah, for some reason I have a hard time believing this marriage lasts through season two.

At the end of the episode, Hannah is in bed watching YouTube videos about how to cut her own bangs when Adam shows up, miraculously cast-free. Story-wise, I totally get that peeing in a bedpan isn’t that funny a second time, but Adam’s sudden ability to walk seems like a crucial plot flaw, no? He asks for some milk, and Hannah calls 9-1-1 while she’s getting it from the fridge. Also while Adam sings “yo milk maid, milk please!” from the other room. She brings him his milk and they discuss his manhood: “As a man living my man life, my love for you cannot be repressed,” he tells her. She responds that she said to go away, and he is not going away, and that is space rape. The popo show up, and Hannah tries to excuse her way out of her 9-1-1 call: “He didn’t do anything wrong, I just wanted to take out a restraining order.” She tries (and fails, because of his two unpaid parking tickets and a failure to appear at court for his public urination citation) to keep Adam from the cops, and the episode ends with her shouting after them as they take Adam away, wondering where they are taking him.

Personally, I hope that the ostensible voice of my generation has something more mature to say than “Can you just tell me where you’re going? I might come, later!” Because jail is a not a party and, in my world, you aren’t allowed to get FOMO re: your ex-boyfriend’s whereabouts when you’re the one who called the cops on him. But hey, lots of different types of men love Hannah, “black men, Republicans, et al,” so she’ll probably be on to the next by episode three. Meanwhile, we are left to wonder about the other girls’ relationships: Will Marnie climb back into Charlie’s nice-guy arms? Will she spill the beans to Hannah about Elijah’s brief journey into her vagina? Will Shoshanna and Ray stay in love? Please dear god I hope so they are my favorite. Will Jessa’s marriage last through the season?

If anyone wants to make bets on the life expectancies of these relationships, please contact me. I have about five dollars of honest money in my wallet.