Let’s be honest: coming up with pick-up lines can be a big fat struggle. From literary references – “Did you survive Avada Kedavra? ‘Cause you’re drop dead gorgeous.” – to math jokes – “I’ll take you to the limit as X approaches infinity.” – to the more brand name - “Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you’d be guilty as charged, girl!” - game spitting attempts, most efforts simply don’t help you Get Ur Freak On.
And online game spitting is a whole ‘nother ball game! It’s like the difference between an in-class and a take-home final essay. Just your average garden variety pick-up line may have worked, had there been beer goggles and an impatient bartender to obscure your hasty efforts beneath the guise of limited time and messy handwriting, but you had time to proofread and type that shit up. You had time to backspace, spell check and fact check your references on Wikipedia dot com. And in that kind of environment, the ladies expect more from you.
Your message is the definitive link that connects Profile Perusal to First Date, so unless you’re just here to troll (in which case, GTFO), you best be crafting it with care.
So, for those of you who didn’t become experts at online flirting over AOL Instant Messenger in middle school, or have other explanations for your struggles to hit on the women of the WWW, your resident adviser returns to help you snag mad babes.
Below please find a list of the top 5 ways to improve your OKCupid Messaging Skillz/make your stalky Internet self seem like a modern day William Shakespeare:
1. Don’t be a troll.
Nothing worse than that Just-Your-Average-Troll guy on OKCupid sending the same message to every girl on the interwebz. “Hi ” and “Hey there, cutie =D” don’t exactly send a “You’re an individual! I picked you!” message, and that’s what girls (I) are (am) looking for.
I’m not asking for a personal essay, but 2-6 well-crafted, proofread, spell-checked, emoticon-free sentences can’t be that hard to come by, can they?
Dating is, first and foremost, a matter of ego. Make me feel like a) I’m harder to get than “Sup boo :-p” and b) you aren’t some creepy redditor who just likes to see your immediate reactions to photos of whatever-the-fuck etched in the 1’s and 0’s of the Internet forever, and who knows, I just might consider adding you to my dah.
2. Conduct a thorough background check.
Or at least make it look like you did your research. And by did your research, I mean bothered to read my profile.
Unless betches are being super long-winded, it doesn’t kill you to read the whole profile page. Maybe even skim the graphs and do a quick once-over of the questions, if you’re so inclined. Also, if you do this, the number of women you will actually want to message will probably severely decrease. Which is awesome. Because we will all be wasting a little bit less of each others’ time.
Then, having done your research, you can tell her how much you love David Sedaris, too!
Other things to maybe not bring up: salary, drinking & drug habits, masturbatory habits, the fact that we’re only a “47% match.” While founded in super-graphable and totally interesting-to-think-about data, nothing is less sexy than a dude referencing the percent chance he has of getting in your pants.
Which brings me to, the number one thing you should maybe not reference…
3. Don’t comment on my appearance.
You saw my photos. Now you are messaging me. You therefore do not object to the way I look.
“I love your smile.” No. You love my smile in that picture I carefully selected where my smile looks effing awesome.
“What pretty eyes you have.” Okay, now you sound like Little Red Riding Hood, and it’s making me want to eat you. And not in a sexy vampire way. In a filet mignon on a bed of mashed potatoes with a side of green beans way.
“You’re unbelievably sexy.” Seriously? Don’t do that now. Save that. That’s the type of thing I want to hear when we’ve gone on a few dates and we’re dry humping down the road to bonetown and you have to stop for a second because you’re overwhelmed by my physical being. Then you’ll to look deep into my eyes and smile a little, perhaps even prop yourself up on your elbows to caress my face with your recently washed/soft hands. Then, and only then, will you tell me I’m unbelievably sexy. At which point I will so totally melt like a popsicle in July.
Okay, so it won’t definitely happen exactly like that. But it definitely shouldn’t happen
via chat, where there is literally nothing I can say to you except “Um, thanks?”
4. Ask me a question.
FACT: the women of OKCupid are busy people, and their time is precious. So respect it. (I, personally, am not very busy, as evidenced by the fact that I’m writing about OKCupid in m’sweatpants right now. However, if I were, hypothetically, a woman of the World Wide Web you might be attempting to get in contact with – for to take on dates and spoil rotten with diamonds? – it is likely that I would be offended if you assumed I weren’t busy.)
Fact about busy women: they have plenty of other emails to respond to, and therefore could easily forgo answering your emails until you’ve given them reason to. So ask a question, preferably a good question, with a cute little turn of phrase in it. In iambic pentameter? I wouldn’t object.
5. Don’t play all your cards at once.
The most beautiful, horrible thing about the Internet is that it allows you to know so much, all at once. But in the real world, it’s often beneficial to save some knowledge for later. Especially when it comes to dating. Whatever you do, don’t let her know everything before you attempt to bone, because that spoils all the fun.
Women like to be made to feel special. So show us that you’re paying attention, flirt, and make us try a little harder than “Yes, you can take me to dinner.” After approx. 3 back-and-forths, come up with c001 id3a for an in-person adventure – something specific! – and run it by your lady date.
Oh, and one more thing. Don’t do this:
Grace DeVoll is currently working as an assistant on a TV show about superheroes, and sometimes confusing it with real life. When she isn't pretending she's Wonder Woman, she enjoys making lists, late night adventure-driving, and dressing up like a princess. You can follow her on twitter @offtothegraces, which would really make her day, or learn more about her here.
datingandhookup.com is a website that explores modern romance in the Millennial era – which, let’s be honest, looks nothing like we were taught to expect. We feature essays, advice and social commentary with humor, compassion and brains, and we vow never, ever to publish a piece called “The 10 Best Ways to Satisfy Your Man in Bed”. Do click to submit your work to us. We love you.
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