Taylor Swift. Taylor, Taylor, Taylor Swift. Swifty ole Tay-tay.
Dear, sweet Taylor Swift. You’ve taught us so much about men and break ups and bleachers. But you still have so much to learn — as do we. And we’ll all figure it out together. Don’t dismay, dear Taylor. We get you. Lots of us have been there.
Beyoncé and Jay-Z had a daughter named Blue Ivy Carter. If you didn’t know this, I’d like to hear more about this bomb shelter you live in. How’s your food supply? Is it comfortable? Do you have room for me?
Bey and Jay have spared no expense in raising their daughter. I wrote over here about how they went all-out for Blue Ivy’s 1st birthday, with an elaborate birthday party and the gift of an $80,000 diamond studded Barbie doll. This is one of those stories I hope isn’t true because of how insane it is, and yet, I also hope it’s true because of how insane it is. To reference Louis C.K.’s “of course…but maybe” bit, of course it’s their money and they can spend it how they please, but maybe you shouldn’t buy your one year-old an $80k toy.
A-list celebrities and their kids are probably the closest thing we have in America to royalty. The newer the baby, the greater the reign. The Jolie-Pitt kids aren’t our princes and princesses anymore. We are witnessing the rise of baby Blue. To say that she has a charmed life doesn’t begin to cover it. Oprah is her godmother. Before she turned a year old she’s experienced things many of us may never get to, like a private helicopter ride over New York City, a vacation in St. Bart’s, and VIP status at some of the biggest concerts in the world. None of which is unusual for a major celebrity’s kid until you stop and really think about how crazy it is. These people aren’t actually royalty. They’re entertainers. That’s great. I like to be entertained. But when I think about how much they get paid for doing this, it induces such heavy eye-rolling I get headaches. And then their kids get whatever sort of career they would like just handed to them, as if they were casually shopping for their futures on Amazon.com, adding whatever they wanted to their cart.
We could do worse than Beyoncé, though. At least we’re no longer obsessed with Victoria Beckham. Beyoncé offers a lot more. And now she’s apparently our new feminist icon. She was on the cover of Ms. magazine with the headline “fierce feminism.” That’s totally fine that she calls herself a feminist. I’m amused by the fact that we have to make the idea more appealing by calling it “fierce”. If Mrs. Carter wants to be a feminist, I’m behind her. Interesting though that she told British Vogue, “I guess I’m a feminist” — why is this something you’re unsure of? I guess she figured it out before she agreed to the Ms. cover.
I hope Mr. and Mrs. Carter use their powers for good and don’t Will Smith their daughter up.
Photo from Zimbio.
I think for my next relationship, and there will be a next relationship, just like there will be blood, I should date someone who is at least 50. Someone who isn’t really sure how to log into anything online. Someone who likes to spend money because they have lots of it. Someone who has grandkids. You know, that type of person. Here are my top ten old people I’d like to date.
10. The Monopoly Dude.
He’s a cartoon but man is he LOADED. With money! Well…Monopoly money. I guess he doesn’t have real money. OR real houses or hotels. He lives in plastic buildings and pays for things with brightly colored slips of paper. So basically he’s Canadian. Hey everyone, this guy’s a big phony!
9. Jay Gatsby.
And I don’t mean the Leonardo DiCaprio version, that’s just nonsense. I mean the Fitzgerald ink on paper version of the man. He counts because by this time he is now old. But he’s also dead. Sorry, spoiler alert, in case you’re one of the 15 people who didn’t read The Great Gatsby in the 10th grade. Also, Daisy turns out to be a robot. It was Fitzgerald’s commentary on the 1980s or whatever. And sharks, there were lots of sharks. I think. I also think maybe I should have paid more attention in high school.
8. Roger Daltrey.
Listen. I’m going to say something, and this may shock and/or alarm you, so be prepared: The Who are better than The Rolling Stones. But that’s for a whole other article. This article is about how hot some old dudes are. And this man is hot. I’ve seen him live twice. The first time was at a Who concert, which is kind of like saying “I went to a Beatles concert” when you’re really just seeing Ringo and Paul goof around on stage, but still. The second time I saw him was in a production of “My Fair Lady” at the Hollywood bowl and I’m not even kidding about this. He played Eliza Doolittle’s dad. John Lithgow played Henry Higgins. This was not a fever dream.
Warning: this is likely more than you’ve ever wanted to read about Amanda Bynes in your entire life.
Amanda Bynes has people talking, tweeting, and blogging, and not for her work. No. It’s for her erratic behavior. In case you’ve been living under a rock — and it must be an awesome, soundproof, really comfortable rock — Bynes started acting strange in the summer of 2012. This is when her good, wholesome, goofy, funny and sweet girl persona took a Lohan turn: a hit and run, photographs of her smoking pot in her car, and driving on a suspended license (a settlement for the hit and run was reached, and charges were dropped).
There’s little sadder than a budding relationship that’s come to an end – but when it comes to the lifestyles of the rich and famous, there’s countless celeb relationships we wish had worked out.
Britney and Justin, anyone?
Tara Reid, what the hell are you doing? I hate telling someone, “you’re too old for this” but really, Tara: you’re too old for this. You’re too old for acting like an irresponsible teenager who got a fake ID and has been abusing it like it’s her one and only job in the entire world.
Crushing on celebrities: a necessary coping mechanism for women everywhere. Am I right? I think I am. Whether you’re in recent-breakup/pint-of-ice-cream-on-the-couch mode, or sorry-I’m-not-sorry-I’m-a-busy-career-woman-now mode, you’ve got to feel your feelings about someone. Sure, you may never meet him in person, but if you let all that estrogen pile up in your body/vagina, you’ll probably get blue balls… er, blue fallopian tubes?
Sometimes, when you’re in between crushes, you need a little guidance. What GIFs do I search for? What movies and TV do I watch? Which fan fiction websites do I peruse? Well, I’ve consulted the experts (my friends) and I’ve come up with a list. Of all the celebrity crushes you could ever need, no matter what phase of life you’re in.
Jeremy Irons has some very interesting, possibly warped opinions on marriage. He raised many an eyebrow when discussing legalizing gay marriage on HuffPost Live, saying, “Could a father not marry his son? It seems to me that now they’re fighting for the name [marriage instead of union]. I worry that it means somehow we debase, or we change, what marriage is. I just worry about that.”
At first his comments seemed incredibly homophobic until I watched the rest of the interview and realized that, no, Jeremy Irons isn’t homophobic — he’s just fucking insane. At the end of the interview it seems as though he’s about to redeem himself by summing it all up with, “Everybody who’s living with one other person the best of luck in the world, because it’s fantastic.” The interviewer, with so much grace and mercy, tries to let Irons end his interview on a good note, by adding, “Spoken like a happily married man.” Irons then makes this face:
January Jones is awesome. I want to be January Jones. I don’t know why people hate her.
Okay, I kind of know why people hate her. They think she’s ungrateful. That she’s a bad actress who doesn’t deserve her job. That she’s cold. That she thinks she’s above everyone. Some don’t like her because they think she’s a slut. Maybe all of these things are true.
But maybe…just maybe…they aren’t.
And you know what? Even if they are, I don’t care. I still want to be her. My feelings only intensified after she told The Washington Post that,
It makes me laugh when the ‘Fashion Police’ hate what I wear. I loved my whole look that night [at the Screen Actor's Guild Awards]. It was really fun. And I just like people looking at me like I was crazy. [Fashion is] a fun way to express yourself. … And I sort of like not pleasing people a bit.
And she means it. She is one of three women who show up to stupid award shows in dresses that most women wouldn’t dare attempt. (The other two are Helena Bonham Carter and Bjork.) In a sea of boring beige, Miss Jones steps it up in all kinds of daring ensambles and doesn’t even care.
Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny, likely forever known as Mulder and Scully, were and still are rumored to be dating. I NEED this to be true. I NEED Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny To Be Together.
Why, right? That sounds insane. The X-Files television show ended eleven years ago and the 2 X-Files films were in and out of theaters faster than it takes to smoke a cigarette.
Admittedly, I wasn’t even a huge fan of The X-Files. I watched season 3 or 4 — can’t remember — while it was on, but switched over to Sex and the City, as they were on the same time and same night, in an era before DVRs where one had to make a very thoughtful choice.
The show lost me. I saw the first film because my mom happened to be watching it. I tried to back get into the show a few months ago, but thought it just dragged. I hear it improves after the first season though.
So why do I even care? Because…I want to believe.
Good golly, I wish I had said this first. But I didn’t. Some genius person who truly understands what it feels like to fall in love did.
Love is one of the easiest emotions to feel, yet is possibly the most difficult to describe—probably because it’s different for everyone.
Jerry and Elaine of Seinfeld are the ideal non-couple. What I can’t figure out is if they’re the most realistic example of a couple turned friends or the least realistic.
The greatest thing about Jerry and Elaine is their friendship. Underneath all of the sarcasm and cynicism, it seems like they genuinely like and care for each other. When one is having relationship issues, the other listens. Neither one ever tries to sabotage the other’s relationship for their own gain. This isn’t Friends. There is no “will they or won’t they?” They won’t. Ever.
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