“Today, I went to eat with him. I wasn’t ready. But I couldn’t say no. I am still drastically and disgustingly in love with this guy.” – Kristy
That’s the story of Kristy. She was in a relationship for eight years. She got a message from her boyfriend that was meant for some other girl. She confronted him and he left without any explanation. When she wrote this, she was still not sure whether he cheated on her or not. But she did know that the breakup was driving her crazy and she couldn’t continue to live like this.
The truth is, Kristy was trying to get back together with her ex. Not because she thought that the relationship with her ex was great, but because she thought she loved him. There is nothing worse than being in love with someone and wishing every moment that you weren’t.
Things are a lot easier when you decide you want to let go of someone compared to when you are still trying to reconcile. But in most cases, it’s hard to let go of the idea of getting back together, especially if you have been together for as long as eight years.
Let’s not get into details about getting over a breakup. There has been plenty said about that. Instead, let’s just concentrate on eliminating the desire of getting back together. Because as long as there is hope or desire to get back together, you can never truly move on.
1. Go Cold Turkey
If you stop all communication with your ex, you are going to get better eventually. But when you still have hopes of getting back together, one phone call or text message from your ex might just revive your love that you want to end so badly.
What do you do when you get that hopeful phone call from your ex? It’s simple: don’t answer. Remind yourself that you are better off without them. Remind yourself that if you pick up the call or reply to their text, you will again go back to the miserable state where your ex controls your emotions.
It’s OK to feel tons of different emotions after a breakup. However, you must realize that all these emotions do not mean that you are still in love with your ex. This is how a human mind deals with loss. All these emotions just mean that your ex WAS important to you. Do not take it as a sign that your ex was the ONLY one for you.
3. Learn to Be Happy By Yourself
If you think that you need your ex to be happy or to be “complete,” you can be sure it’s not really love. Use this no-contact period to do things that make you happy. You must realize that life without your ex is still great.
Unless you can be happy again, you are not in a position to decide whether a relationship is good for your or not.
4. Start Dating
On one hand, you hate that you are still in love with your ex. On the other hand, you are still in love with them and don’t want to screw up the chances of getting back together by dating someone else. Let me solve this dilemma for you: even if you still want to get back together, it’s OK to date someone else. In fact, it’s encouraged. It will give you a new perspective on life, especially if you have been in a relationship for a long time.
There are, of course, dangers to dating after a breakup. A bad date might make you crave for the good times you had with your ex. If you find yourself missing your ex after a date, remember that dating is not a chore you must complete to meet the right person. It’s an experience on its own and you should enjoy every aspect of it—the good, the bad and the ugly.
The best time to start dating will be when you have gone through the grieving period and have started to feel at least a little bit “complete” without your ex.
5. Contact Your Ex
You have to give yourself enough time without your ex and you will probably have fallen out of love. If you still want to get back together, even after following all the steps above and giving enough time to yourself, then there is something in your mind that can only be eliminated with an interaction with your ex. Go ahead and contact them; you can even mention getting back together. Sometimes, seeing your ex after a long time breaks the perfect image that your mind has built. As for Kristy, this is exactly what happened to her. She contacted her ex and realized how mean he was after he shouted at her during a family crisis. She no longer has any desire to get back with him.
Thank you, Neal., for the image!
Kevin Thompson is the author of “The UnBreakup Guide.” He has helped many people get back together and many more people eliminate their desire to get back together.
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