And when most bitches remember that fact, they do this:
Granted, I also do that when I get a triple word score on Words With Friends. I’m like, “Ohhhhh, Karen gon be mad when she logs into Facebook today. Heeeeeeeey!” Anyway, the point is you’re dancing like that because you’re stoked that you don’t have to go through that exciting yet stressful time of losing your virginity ever again. Like finding that perfect Sarah McLachlan CD to play for mood music or find you’ve lost it for good, DVR’ing her SPCA animal cruelty infomercial, so you can play Angel during the sexy times later on that evening. That’s some super stressful stuff, folks, right? Well, Hong Kong is like, “You know what else is stressful? Your man finding out you don’t have a vacuum-sealed fresh vagina, so he whips out some spray paint and writes the letter “S,” which stands for Slutty McSlut Slut, on your forehead.” So to avoid that nightmare of a situation, Hong Kong came up with the HymenShop.com, which is exactly what you think it is. That’s right, #TeamBlaria, some women are basically purchasing McDonald’s ketchup packets and sticking it up their chochas, as Missy Elliott calls them, to fool their mates into thinking they’re getting a virgin. THANKS, HONG KONG! This is like the dumbest shit I’ve heard in weeks, which means that I, of course, am going to do a full investigation and breakdown of this bullshit. Let’s go!
#Realtalk, this hymen looks a damn Rorschach test. Like after sex, your man is going to look down there and see cats, bats, and the love that he never got from his father. Talk about a buzzkill. This fake vagina Tupperware lid is a Hot. Mess.
Looks aside, how the eff do you use this damn thing?
So what exactly does this imposter hymen look like? Glad you asked:
WHAT. THE. FUCK? This mess can dissolve inside your vajayjay like Listerine breath strips dissolve on my tongue if you don’t use it fast enough. Eww. But more importantly, what if the foreplay is taking too long and your fake pussy hymen detonates inside you like this fish tank in Mission Impossible?:
JUST KIDDING! Guys never take too long with foreplay. So I’d say the amount of time it takes to toast a Pop-Tart is all you need, ladies. Fifteen minutes is overkill. But maybe you need that time because you’re getting nervous with all the lie telling your cooch is about to do. Maybe you need those fifteen minutes to give yourself a pep talk or what if when you’re inserting the faux hymen, you mess up? Fear not because…
I’m sorry, am I trying out for a role in Jesus Christ Superstar? No? Then why the hell do I need to have a rehearsal with my vagina like it’s my understudy? This is too much work!!! Just be yourself. If your vagina is like a used Ziploc bag then so be it. Don’t stand in your bathroom trying to shrink wrap that shit shut. Just live your life.
Here is my favorite part of the HymenShop.com website:
Gee, thanks!!! Because when the sender is a vague name like “Magazines Online,” which doesn’t exist, the mailman doesn’t think the contents of the package are dildos, vibrators, guns, or fake vagina seals. WAIT, ACTUALLY, THAT’S ALL THE MAILMAN THINKS IT IS. He’s not going, “Oh, I guess she just ordered a neck pillow and socks.” He’s going, “This bitch just got herself a VIP backstage pass to Fuckapalooza.” Fuckapalozza is a lot like Lollapalooza except instead of socks on the peens of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Fuckapaloozza is just lavender candles and Tony! Toni! Toné! iTunes playlist. Okay, okay, I’ll be serious for a second. Virginity is a touchy issue all over the world and HymenShop.com found a way to make money off it, so I can’t knock the hustle. However, I can’t help but think that fake hymen insertions or hymen rejuvenation surgeries do nothing but promote the Madonna/Whore complex. In the past, it was, “Don’t have sex before marriage!” And now it’s like, “Sure, have some sex, but when you’re ready to settle down, you better get your hymen reinstalled because no man is gonna want to marry a used broad.” But even if you take marriage out of the equation, women can still be slut shamed. Heck, Rush Limbaugh called Sandra Fluke a slut because she has sex, which he called “too much sex” aka you’re not a virgin, so it’s too much. It’s 2012 and this is the kind of thinking that women still have to combat. And even though that kind of thinking is annoying to me, I’m well aware that in America, women have it better than in other countries. I’m very appreciative of that. At the same time, I think there really needs to be an universal overhaul in how women are viewed. Newsflash, guys: a woman is not a slut, not dirty if she has had sex before you met her. She is just a grown ass woman who is living her life. So get over trying to be the first. Quit desiring to puff your chest out and stick your flag in something and claim it as yours. Quit acting as though a woman only good enough to marry if she is a virgin while you have passed around your sauseege to various women like it’s an appetizer at a 4th of July barbeque. WOMEN ARE MORE THAN JUST THEIR VIRGINITY!!! Both fellas and ladies need to hear that and understand that. Because “hymen lying” to your future husband to be considered marriage material is pretty insane and also sad and goes to show how much we need to change the way we perceive women and what their value is. Obviously, it can’t be done with a simple blog post. But a good first step is finding a man who will judge you for not being a virgin. Let’s start there. And if you live in a country where not being a virgin will get you ass beat, then you’re probably not reading this blog anyway and stocking up on these fake hymens like people stock up on non-perishable food before a tornado hits. But to all you other bitches, be proud of your sexually active vadges!
Phoebe Robinson is the proprietor of Blaria.com (that's Black Daria, for those not in the know). She's performed stand-up at several major festivals, including the Bridgetown Comedy Festival and the Eugene Mirman Comedy Festival, and she's written for the New York Times, Time Out New York and The Smoking Jacket. She's also appeared on TV Guide's "100 Shows to See Before You Die" and "25 Biggest Reality Star Blunders." She frowns upon you following her in real life, but totally feel free to track her every move on Twitter: @PRobinsonComedy.
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