So Marni writes: “WOMEN DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH THE BAD BOY!!!!!!! They want to be with a good man who does possess some of the qualities the bad boy pretends to have.”
Well put. She and Carlos Xuma from Dating Dynamics also draw an interesting distinction between Good Guys and Nice Guys. “Nice” according to Carlos is the kiss of death (forgive the clumsiness of the phrase, because the point is that Nice Guys don’t get any). “Nice” guys have a ulterior agendas; they seem calculating and the niceness feels like a ploy. So “Nice” guys are off-putting to the ladies.
“Good” guys on the other hand, have self-respect, consistency, and a backbone. They are leaders. They don’t take shit from anyone. Women, so it goes, are attracted to these qualities, which “Bad” guys ALSO seem to possess. But *everyone* knows that Bad Boys have deep-rooted insecurities and are only going to break your heart.
I remain interested in the element of fantasy at play here. Sure – no woman actually wants to be with a wife-beater or a total douchebag. But I think women’s desire is more complex than just wanting to be with a guy who’s a leader and won’t stand for her PMS. We don’t love the Bad Boys because they seem so strong and tough. We love the Bad Boys because we want to believe we are (or will be) The Woman who can understand and change them. How sexy is that?!
Rebecca Coale - aka Becky - is a writer, musician and producer. She and childhood best friend Jessica Donalds created Dating & Hookup and founded J&R Creative Media. Becky blogs about love poetry and modern life & womanhood. She lives with her husband, Howard Coale, and their family in Manhattan and Philadelphia.
datingandhookup.com is a website that explores modern romance in the Millennial era – which, let’s be honest, looks nothing like we were taught to expect. We feature essays, advice and social commentary with humor, compassion and brains, and we vow never, ever to publish a piece called “The 10 Best Ways to Satisfy Your Man in Bed”. Do click to submit your work to us. We love you.
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