Apparently, people care about The Bachelor again. And apparently, I suddenly care about The Bachelor. I’d never seen an episode of the schmaltzy show before this season, but somehow the lure of red roses, romantic waterfalls and teary confessions of love were just too much for this post-dating chick to resist. All the shirtless shots of Jake the Pilot weren’t so bad, either.
So now that I’ve already forfeited your respect, I’d like to share the following impassioned conversation that occurred over my Facebook wall after tonight’s finale. In between all the Bachelorisms, you’ll discover a fascinating psychological theory on how to find true love. Don’t say Vienna never taught you nothing!
Jessica: Gotta jump on the bandwagon. Bachelor Jake is an idiot.
Ana Elisa: No he isn’t. Tenley is boring and I don’t think there was one episode that she DIDN’T mention her ex husband…that’s so annoying!! It’s like…just get over it already!!
Jessica: Yeah, she kind of sucks. But why not Gia?? Or he could’ve dumped both of them!
Ana Elisa: Ahhhh Gia…Yes I liked her:)
Deddeh: Jessica! Did you learn NOTHING from Average Joe?!?!? Aside from the obvious fact that she was trashy and has a “hot body,” Jake bonded with Vienna when they bungee jumped together. The adrenaline rush caused by and mixed with this life threatening experience prompted Jake to have emotions towards Vienna that he confused with affection and (gulp) love(?). Maybe extreme sports on dates is a good way to find true love.
“Oy-on man Oy am not.”–Brian, from Average Joe.
Ana Elisa: Deddeh…You are a genius!
Jessica: AVERAGE JOE!!!!!!!! No reality show will top that. Ever. Except for maybe Joe Millionnaire.
You’re so right, D. And the sick thing is that I actually thought of that when I watched them jump off the bridge together. I had flashbacks to the social psych class where our prof advised us to take dates on adrenaline-inducing outings to incite arousal.
But then I thought, NAH. Vienna still looks like a man, dilated pupils or not. Turns out I was WRONG!
Deddeh: Well, your prof was right. Once again, adrenaline-induction trumps gender ambiguity…
Jessica: I am only hanging out with boys in life threatening situations from now on.
UPDATE: The Bachelor strikes again! I just received the following voicemail, verbatim, from my mother. I haven’t gotten a call like this since Adam Lambert lost American Idol.
“Hi honey, just giving you a call to touch base about going to see Fela! next week. Also, Dad wants me to tell you that he just finished watching The Bachelor. He’s very upset with the way that it turned out. Yeah, he’s really disgusted by the girl that he chose. It’s all very disappointing. Let’s talk tomorrow. Love you.”
Jess is the co-creator of Dating & Hookup, alongside her childhood best friend Becky Lynch, and is the author of the book - yep! - Dating & Hookup. She never tires of hearing your post-dating stories. She wants you to enjoy your love life, and is full of advice on how to do so.
datingandhookup.com is a website that explores modern romance in the Millennial era – which, let’s be honest, looks nothing like we were taught to expect. We feature essays, advice and social commentary with humor, compassion and brains, and we vow never, ever to publish a piece called “The 10 Best Ways to Satisfy Your Man in Bed”. Do click to submit your work to us. We love you.
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