We join the program immediately where we left off. Like Star Trek III: The Search for Spock. Mercifully, this episode is only one hour long.
Everyone’s just like, “What’s going to happen oh my God.” Chris Harrison immediately cuts to the chase and goes to Britt and tells her that she will NOT be the Bachelorette. Unhelpful Therapist™ Chris Harrison crafts every sentence for maximum run time, a quality I admire in a man.
Britt: there’s a place for your Gelfling beauty…it’s called Bachelor in Paradise. Don’t worry about it. See you a in a few months.
Britt holds it together and then…she doesn’t. Britt asks the camera, “I don’t know how many times you have to go out there…” Oh, honey, STAHP it, you’ll be fine, with your beauty and willingness to hug. Then she whimpers a few things.
So…Kaitlyn wins. Chris Harrison assures her that there will be wonderful footage of Britt in the limo, crying. (He didn’t actually say this, but it’s like reality show jazz: I’m hearing the words he’s NOT saying.) Kaitlyn is informed that she still has to do a rose ceremony this evening. Ryan, the drunk junk yard expert who insinuated that he wanted to have non-consensual sex with Kaitlyn, Britt, and fellow contestant Canadian Steve Sanders, has already been forcibly removed by security, so that easy decision has been made for her. The rest is pretty much a dice roll.
(His parents must be proud.)
The Cocktail Party Continues
Chris lets the men know that they have chosen Kaitlyn. I am waiting for Kupah to decide on screen whether he can accept Kaitlyn as his equal.
My husband and I spend an enormous amount of time debating which of these men are actually responsible for their own wardrobes. He does not think Joshua the Welder can tie a dimpled Windsor knot. Joshua gives her a welded rose – welding is something he indubitably knows all about.
Side note: It appears the Queen of Versailles will be on the newest season of Celebrity Wife Swap. Keeping it classy, network television.
It’s fun to watch the men who were obsessed with Britt scramble to make a good impression on Kaitlyn. Jonathan, Kupah, and David (who I have never seen before) are all panicked.
Tony sits in the courtyard, alone, devastated, misled by the good vibes he was getting out of Britt’s rose box.
He is downright mournful. “This hurts me…there is only one drinking fountain, and we all must stand in line. I think I want to go home and dig my own well.”
Jared the Love Superhero is not coping well either, but he’s straight up with Kaitlyn and says he’d like to stay and get to know her, even though he voted for Britt. She appreciates this. I appreciate this as well.
Brady is forced to choose between his initial like for Britt and his desire to have a national platform for his music career. I wonder what he’ll do.
J.J. the Former Investment Banker decides to blame Kaitlyn for the fact that he initially went for Britt. Listen, I GET it. The road to love is filled with all sorts of nonsense. No need to hold her responsible for your bad wager.
Chris the Dentist goes in for a kiss. And he GOES for it. Shawn B., who looks like a young, blond Nic Cage, gets the First Impression rose. Kaitlyn makes out with him, also.
At LAST the Rose Ceremony
A LOT of debate about whether or not the men who picked Britt should be kept around.
Chris the Dentist
Ben H. the Software Salesman
J.J. the Former Investment Banker
Joe, the Southern man who is discomfiting but handsome
Kupah, the one who wasn’t into her
Daniel the Fashion Designer
Ryan D., the one who is not the terrible Ryan
Joshua the Welder
Tony the Healer
Clint who bothers me for some reason
Corey who looks like a Missing Romney
Jonathan the automotive spokesman who voted for Britt
Cory, the Other Cory
Tanner, no specific qualities
Ian, the runner who was injured
Justin, no specific qualities
Jared, Love Superhero
Canuck Steve Sanders
Before it’s over, Brady takes himself out, and says he is “going to go find Britt” to see if she would like to find love.
This season: More confusion, more making out, drama, Nick from Andy’s season returns, and Kaitlyn gets physical with someone too soon. And Brady goes to see Britt over the credits (Britt is in her hotel room crying). More to come on that, I am sure.
Sara C.'s crafting career began when her grandmother sent her to lessons at age nine. Public relations, show tunes, Beverly Hills, 90210 and Tuesday Weld are among her areas of expertise. She will put anything on a canvas for you. www.etsy.com/shop/CarsonZickersham
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