We open with a shockingly brief “What to expect tonight” – it clocks in at a minute, which means the chaff is ALL on the inside in episode 3.  And again, the first shots are of Sean engaging in athleto-porn, stairmastering and saying, “I’m really digging a lot of women, and it’s blowing me away.” Color me stunned by this revelation.

Chris Harrison greets the ladies in the house, whose enthusiasm is now on par with a level called “world weary streetwalker” (down from last week’s “cartoon bunnies.”).

The rules this week are, 2 individual dates and 1 group date. And not everyone will get a date. So, as Chris says, “Whenever you see [Sean], make it count.” Tonight’s “Can I just steal him?” count prediction: about 6,000.

Lesley M. – the feisty gal getting daggers from Tierra for kissing Sean on last week’s episode during the Harlequin group date – gets the first solo date. The clue: “How long can this love last?”

“Long” means a visit to the Times Square of the West, Hollywood Blvd., specifically, the Guinness World Records Museum. They’re going to attempt to break the record of 3 minutes, 16 seconds (initial fear: this was going to be the Deer Hunter of kisses and “3:16” on the clock meant 3 hours, thus explaining why they were so brief at the front of the show).  Spoiler alert: They do. Second spoiler alert: They show it in real time with Chris Harrison narrating the action. It is unbearable.

It’s exactly like Thomas Crown Affair.  Except it’s not.

The Guinness judge – who has the best job ever, which is adjudicating lunacy – is as serious as a brain surgeon with his stopwatch and his stern expression.  It is another brilliant, and I am not being sarcastic, score for marketers everywhere and I applaud it.

Lesley and Sean have the conversation that everyone has every time they go on a single date in the early episodes of the show. Some takeaways:

• “Sometimes my family is more fun than my friends are.”
•  “It was awesome. I loved junior high and high school.”
• “I was kind of a nerd.”

This goes on for a bit and then they make out and then the tropes come out:

• “I didn’t think I would have feelings this fast, but I do.”
• “The day has been out of control unbelieveable.”
• “He’s perfect.”
• “You make me so nervous.”
• “I feel like I’ve known you for so long.”
• “We’ve connected on so many different levels and I have high hopes for our future.”

Lesley M. gets a rose, as confetti bursts out of nowhere. SCENE.

Back at the house, the date card is here! Disney Princess Selma snatches it. Cut in an interview where she says that she misses him.

Group date invitees are: Kacie (Ben’s Season), Robyn, Leslie H., Kristi (the Harlequin cover winner), Catherine, Desiree, Taryn, Amanda, Drunk Bride Lindsay, Daniela, Jackie, and the Villaness Tierra. Not going on this date are: Disney Princess Selma, One-Armed Sarah, and AshLee, who I know nothing about.

The group date commences. It’s at Zuma Beach! It looks like a Frankie-and-Annette video for a bit.  Then there is some The Room-style football throwing.

Chris Harrison shows up on the way home from an insane work party, in suit pants and an untucked dress shirt, and explains the stakes: the twelve women will divide into two teams and play a game of volleyball. The team that wins gets more date time. The team that loses will be executed sent home and will sob hysterically in the van and then continue to sob when they arrive at the house and claim that it is not fair. Indeed, it is not.

The girls play like it’s the Hunger Games, albeit with absolutely zero skills.  And I am pretty sure that it was Mike from Breaking Bad shows up to be the ref. The game goes on for what feels like days.

Each of the girls, in interview segments intercut with this terrible volleyball game, feature increasingly desperate comments about why each girl wants to win. “I NEED TIME WITH SEAN.” “I don’t just want more time with Sean, I need more time with Sean.” “This volleyball game is the most important game of my life.” “You’re talking about more time with a guy.”

The team that wins – which consists of at least Insane Amanda, Drunk Bride Lindsay, Katie Holmes-esque Desiree, and Kacie of Ben’s Season (and two other girls who made zero impression on me).  The date is more a location somewhere with many couches where each girl gets five minutes on the chaise longue with Sean.

Lindsay gets five minutes alone with him, says a bunch of horribly revealing things, and then she makes out with Sean. Following this, Desiree does the same. Following this, Amanda does the same. And then it’s Kacie’s turn.

Kacie feels compelled to tell Sean about the tension between Desiree and Amanda (who has said that she will do whatever it takes to get a rose that night, and that she WILL get it). Desiree has commented in interview that Amanda is dark and creepy – which she totally is.  Because…I don’t know. Kacie explains that the drama between them is causing her to not be herself.  Codependency, thy name is Ben’s Season Kacie.  Sean looks mesmerized by this and tells her she is being crazy. Kacie interviews later that she would like to erase the evening then bursts into tears. I am not entirely sure what just happened.

Back at the house: a date card is delivered. Tierra jumps to read a double date card: AshLee and Selma – oh, wait, Tierra was just messing with the girl with the most naked ambition to be a princess! It’s just for AshLee. That is cold.

Sean shows up to take AshLee on her date but first Tierra has to fall down the stairs. All of the girls interview about how they hope she’s okay and not one is even slightly convincing. Tierra whines to the paramedics who show up – after she is showing signs of concussing – that she doesn’t want to “do this,” “I want to be left alone,” “let me out of here.” So just to be clear, she shrugs off medical attention and a backboard because Sean is there.

Sean mentions that he has had several concussions. I will leave this alone.

Sean brings AshLee (yes, I am spelling that correctly) eventually, after comforting Tierra, to Six Flags Magic Mountain. They have closed the park down for them for their date – which he would like for her to share with two chronically ill young women.  Fortunately AshLee is not put out by this (and he should be glad he didn’t invite Tierra, who totally would have been).

I don’t really have much to add about this segment, that showcases The Bachelor’s unique dexterity in moving from to ridiculousness to sweetness. So I just say, STOP BRINGING TEARS TO MY EYES, THE BACHELOR. AshLee’s been through some real, not-falling-down-the-stairs-not-getting-enough-Sean-time stuff. And Sean gives her a rose, as well he should.

I am not saying it’s a contest, but Tierra better bring it better than walking off a neck injury if she wants to land him.

Time for the Week Three World’s Worst Cocktail Party™. Let the bat-shittery begin, as the girls jockey for time, as Tierra opens a conversation with, “My back hurts” and follows this with demands for more time with him. Single ladies: try this.  She also introduces us to this new idea of “Karma being a bitch.” I look forward to coming to understand this notion of karma that has never been introduced before. What is this karma is a bitch?

Finally we move into the Rose Ceremony, where Sean first pulls Kacie aside and tells her that it’s not there between them and spares her having to stand through the rose ceremony.

Sean is not a bad guy, between this and surprising Sarah with a visit from her French bulldog, Leo.

Our remaining ladies are:

Tierra

Leslie H.

Katherine

Daniella

Robyn

Disney Princess Selma

Sarah

Jackie

Amanda

Desiree

AshLee

Catherine (who will still know nothing about)

Drunk Bride Lindsay

Lesley M.

Leaving us:

Taryn

Kristi the Harlequin Cover Contest Winner

Kacie

Taryn’s parting words: “I would have loved to have been married, however that’s not my card. That’s disheartening.”

Hey, Taryn: Meet Match.com. There are literally millions of other dudes who you could marry.

Next week: Cars, planes, rock climbing with Disney Princess Selma (which, honestly, given her Princess status, I am so excited to see), roller derby, fake and real crying with Tierra, and everyone hates Tierra.